I have had a very hard day today. It wasn't one or two things that set me off, it was a build up of so many things because of so many people and it built and built until I finally just exploded. Sadly it was to my brother, he and my father take a brunt of my anger, I'm not sure why. I talked to him later about it and apologized and told him he didn't deserve to take the brunt of it for everyone I was angry at, but for some reason I'm more comfortable taking it out on him and I was sorry for it. He told me he's strong enough to take it and knows why he takes the brunt of it, and if it keeps me sane he'd keep his shoulders broad and strong to take whatever I can throw at him because he knows I don't mean it.
It's the deepest conversation we've had in over a year, it was pretty freaky. But I felt better after I apologized to him and things went back to normal. I've apologized to my dad many times as well. Why is it I take out my frustration and anger out on the people I love the most? Why do I feel the need to empty my heart of the hurt and anger on those that don't always deserve it? Why can't I stand up for myself and tell those who have hurt me that they hurt me? And why is it that these people I unload on are the ones I'm most afraid of telling the truth? Is it because I'm afraid they won't be there anymore when they know about me? I don't know.
The other thought that came across my mind while dealing with this neighbor issue is what if it's not concern for respect for his family? What if deep down I'm just jealous that if he's sleeping around that it's not with me? I've been wondering that today, but I don't think that's what it is, because I don't look at him the same anymore. I know that not only did he spend the night with the whore, but he used one of my best friends to be able to do it. I have to bury my anger when I see him because everything around here is teetering on such a fine point I'm so afraid of rocking the boat. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know yet, but I also know he goes through phases. That's no excuse though, he's 35 years old, it's time to grow up already.
But anyway, I have gotten through Prayers for Bobby for the third time and pulled out as many quotes as I could right down, and I'll probably go through them as they seem relevant or as I can expand enough on my thoughts for a blog.
Tonight though there is a quote that is powerful because it's what has been running around in my mind for years now and I have a hard time getting people to even understand what I'm saying, and a part of me has felt so guilty for thinking it because of my upbringing.
Bobby's mother met with a preacher at a church that she says supports homosexuality but as the pastor tells her "I believe God loves people for who they are"
That quote is good too, but the one I want to repeat is the one when they are debating the various bible verses that refer to the condemnation of homosexuality, and he's got some great answers and or come backs to whatever she has to throw at him.
The quote that spoke to me was this:
Bobby's mother: "Are you saying the bible is open for interpretation for anything you are trying to prove?" (not an exact quote but the pastor's reply is)
Pastor: "The bible was written by mortal men based on the times in which they lived"
I really believe this is true. Leviticus alone is great example of this. As the years have gone by the interpretations have been taken out of context based on misguiding because language as well as behavior was very different back then and as time went along and the bible was interpreted over and over again more mortal men put things into their own words and their own interpretations of times they did not live in.
Soddam and Gamorra is a good example. When I learned of this story it was all about homosexualtiy and I've read from more than one reliable source that the original story of Soddam and Gamorra was about greed and was not labeled as homosexuality until hundreds of years later. It was not about homosexuality, but instead about the greed of promiscuity, the enslavement of others, and just the down right horrifying actions the people of the community were committing.
I realize not everyone will agree with this, but to know that more than 5 people on this planet think this way makes me feel less alone in this world, it makes me stop thinking that everytime I'm in a church everyone is staring and condeming me. Perhaps this will help me attend church more often.
Well anyway before I lose it anymore, I better quit and go to bed. There are more quotes from this movie to follow....on a good note I was able to download this movie from Lifetime! Woot!