Thursday, January 29, 2009


I have had a very hard day today. It wasn't one or two things that set me off, it was a build up of so many things because of so many people and it built and built until I finally just exploded. Sadly it was to my brother, he and my father take a brunt of my anger, I'm not sure why. I talked to him later about it and apologized and told him he didn't deserve to take the brunt of it for everyone I was angry at, but for some reason I'm more comfortable taking it out on him and I was sorry for it. He told me he's strong enough to take it and knows why he takes the brunt of it, and if it keeps me sane he'd keep his shoulders broad and strong to take whatever I can throw at him because he knows I don't mean it.

It's the deepest conversation we've had in over a year, it was pretty freaky. But I felt better after I apologized to him and things went back to normal. I've apologized to my dad many times as well. Why is it I take out my frustration and anger out on the people I love the most? Why do I feel the need to empty my heart of the hurt and anger on those that don't always deserve it? Why can't I stand up for myself and tell those who have hurt me that they hurt me? And why is it that these people I unload on are the ones I'm most afraid of telling the truth? Is it because I'm afraid they won't be there anymore when they know about me? I don't know.

The other thought that came across my mind while dealing with this neighbor issue is what if it's not concern for respect for his family? What if deep down I'm just jealous that if he's sleeping around that it's not with me? I've been wondering that today, but I don't think that's what it is, because I don't look at him the same anymore. I know that not only did he spend the night with the whore, but he used one of my best friends to be able to do it. I have to bury my anger when I see him because everything around here is teetering on such a fine point I'm so afraid of rocking the boat. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know yet, but I also know he goes through phases. That's no excuse though, he's 35 years old, it's time to grow up already.

But anyway, I have gotten through Prayers for Bobby for the third time and pulled out as many quotes as I could right down, and I'll probably go through them as they seem relevant or as I can expand enough on my thoughts for a blog.

Tonight though there is a quote that is powerful because it's what has been running around in my mind for years now and I have a hard time getting people to even understand what I'm saying, and a part of me has felt so guilty for thinking it because of my upbringing.

Bobby's mother met with a preacher at a church that she says supports homosexuality but as the pastor tells her "I believe God loves people for who they are"
That quote is good too, but the one I want to repeat is the one when they are debating the various bible verses that refer to the condemnation of homosexuality, and he's got some great answers and or come backs to whatever she has to throw at him.

The quote that spoke to me was this:
Bobby's mother: "Are you saying the bible is open for interpretation for anything you are trying to prove?" (not an exact quote but the pastor's reply is)
Pastor: "The bible was written by mortal men based on the times in which they lived"

I really believe this is true. Leviticus alone is great example of this. As the years have gone by the interpretations have been taken out of context based on misguiding because language as well as behavior was very different back then and as time went along and the bible was interpreted over and over again more mortal men put things into their own words and their own interpretations of times they did not live in.

Soddam and Gamorra is a good example. When I learned of this story it was all about homosexualtiy and I've read from more than one reliable source that the original story of Soddam and Gamorra was about greed and was not labeled as homosexuality until hundreds of years later. It was not about homosexuality, but instead about the greed of promiscuity, the enslavement of others, and just the down right horrifying actions the people of the community were committing.

I realize not everyone will agree with this, but to know that more than 5 people on this planet think this way makes me feel less alone in this world, it makes me stop thinking that everytime I'm in a church everyone is staring and condeming me. Perhaps this will help me attend church more often.

Well anyway before I lose it anymore, I better quit and go to bed. There are more quotes from this movie to follow....on a good note I was able to download this movie from Lifetime! Woot!


  1. "I know that not only did he spend the night with the whore..."

    This sentence is a little harsh. defines whore as:
    a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money

    Was she an actual prostitute? Even if she was do you know why she is in prostitution? So many women are in that industry because of such terrible addiction or brokeness, no one ever said when I grow up I want to be a prostitute or "whore".
    I'm really not trying to chap your ass about this, but if she wasn't an actual prostitute then you need to apply that whore label to the neighbor too.
    I do think this was a great post (I keep wanting to type your name dammit). I know that the majority of people that you've run into in churches are the way you've described, but I know a lot of people that love Jesus and are not like that. They put grace first. Some of them may not agree with your contentions on homosexuality this is true, but that doesn't mean they are sneering at you out of the corner of their eye. Most of them love Jesus and therefore love people period. (BTW, Jesus loves that woman from the bowling alley (was it a bowling alley?) too and his heart is broken for her as well as for your neighbor.)

    :steps off soapbox and gets back to work:

  2. I know, and in all honesty she seemed like a really nice person, but sleeping with married men just really irks me. I know he's just as much to blame because if it wouldn't have been her it would have been someone else.

    Whore was a bit strong, I was angry. It wasn't until I read your blog that I really started to think about it all.

    As far as people sneering at me at church, it hasn't happened it's just how I feel when I go into any church. It's hard to explain why I needed to hear these things from a lifetime movie for them to make any difference in my head, but sometimes it's just what it takes.

    :) Thanks for the comment! :)

  3. Not to say that whore is the proper word, but being from that town, I can say this: the word whore is the same thing as the word slut or tramp or a slew of other words. When someone is having sex with multiple partners in that town, everyone simply says "whoring around". Yes, I know that it's stretching the word, but ... I understand why he chose that word. My big fat Webster actually has a third definition that simple says "unscrupulous person"... which of course means lacking moral integrity. And I have to agree with (I want to type his name too) that she's a whore. Sleeping with a married man lacks moral integrity. However, I also think the man is a whore as well.

    I'm glad you are a MAN who can apologize to his brother and father when you are in the wrong. Mucho respecto! :-)


  4. Oh, and I did finish watching Prayers for Bobby. I started the movie out thinking that mother was just awful, and she was. But the keyword is WAS. I was crying by the end of the movie. I'm glad I finished watching it.

    And I do believe we've had conversation on the Sodom and Gomorrah story. So...

    ... I'll leave you with ...

    "Viva la vie Boheme"!!!


  5. Oh Lord, G quoted from RENT. How do I compete with that?

    First of, I have to say I don't really agree with B. I think I might agree with her on a basic level of them both being at fault, but that's about it.

    I think in the grand scheme of things, you were venting and called this woman a name. When I read "whore", I thought "woman who is putting her own physical and emotional needs at the forefront to the point that she would step between a man and his wife in order to satisfy herself". The question of money didn't cross my mind. Though someone mentioned to me once that we all sell ourselves for sex at some point. We just charge a different kind of currency. For some it's money. For others it's love or lust or acceptance or defiance....

    Maybe you shouldn't have called her a name, but (and I'm sorry to call you out in a comment B, but it's how I feel) maybe we don't need to be so P.C. as to worry about the semantics of which word to throw around when we're ranting about the little homewrecker that has us so pissed off.

    Whore, slut, tramp.... there are tons of words that all have subtle differences, but the same core meaning.

    *sigh* Sorry 'bout that...

    I can totally see your point about taking out your frustrations on the people you know versus the random people that pissed you off in the first place.

    I think we're all more reserved with people we don't know than those we are intimately connected to. (Not THAT kind of intimacy, you perve!)

    I'm so glad you had such a nice conversation with your brother though. They seem to be so rare, and I know I treasure all those deeper moments I've had with my brother over the years. It's nice to be reminded that we love each other for more reasons than shared DNA!

    I nodded my head through pretty much the whole post. I you're starting to gain a little confidence in who you are in Christ, and it's beautiful to see!

  6. It's ok that you disagree with me Jake, I still love you :)
    My point wasn't really about semantics, I suppose putting the definition out there didn't really clarify that point. I just think that whore is a harsh word. I also think that slut and tramp are harsh words. My distaste for them has nothing to do with P.C and more to do with common courtesy and grace.

    But I do agree with you that we all whore ourselves out, but not just physically. We do it emotionally and psychologically too.

    P didn't really have an opportunity to speak to this "whore" about her behavior and how it affected the husband and wife, but he certainly has the opportunity to speak to the husband who is equally whorish according to all sorts of standards. Calling names and bitching about it on the internet are all well and good, I do it to. It's just not productive and most likely won't help P remove himself from that situation or speak into the relationship/life of the man.

    Now, I'm not saying that it's P's responsibility to fix their problems. Lord knows that P and I have our issues with relationships. But is anyone else telling this man the truth in his life? Is anyone else speaking to him the cold hard truth about his actions?
    I'm rambling and now Sharen and Matthew are here, all I'm saying is that sometimes people just need someone to tell them what they're doing isn't right. I know I did.