Monday, September 10, 2012

A moment in my mind

I have spent the last 6 months purposely working on my self esteem, especially when it comes to my own thoughts and my internal monologue.  I have been getting much better at not talking myself down and finding self worth in myself, appreciate myself and just generally being nicer to myself in the hopes that if I found love with myself, perhaps I would be ready to let others love me. 

Six seconds into a conversation with a cute boy who was interested in at least getting to know something about me and I completely mentally melted down back into the person and the thoughts I was over six months ago.  I had problems keeping a conversation going because in my head I kept asking why a cute boy would talk to me, why he would even move seats to talk to me.  I couldn't understand anything that was happening.  I faked it as much as I could to keep the crazy on the inside, but I was just a hot mess inside. 

Ug.  Why can't I just live in the moment and meet new people like the normals?  How is it I can see value in myself until someone else tries to?  How do I get this to stop?  Perhaps I just need to jump into these situations more until they feel normal.  I don't know, all I know is it's just time for this to stop, it holds me back so much, it just needs to end.

1 comment:

  1. Ummm, did you not see my text? Cute boy thought you were hilarious and interesting.