Thursday, March 27, 2008

It's a dark cloud Charlie Brown

So the last several days or weeks even I’ve been battling with this dark cloud above my head. I think it was sent to me from B who seems to be finally seeing clear skies again. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is and I just can’t lock in on the cause or the problems. When this cloud arises in my life it shows me all the bad in my life, how I’m so old and so alone, how financially unsecure I am at an age where I should be comfortable, how unhappy I am becoming with my surroundings and so on and so forth. For those of you who are regulars here, you’ve been following the tale, for those new people here, well just read the archives.

Last night I was talking to a friend at work and it dawned on me about what part of the problem is. I am surrounded by doom and gloom. In one week I have had three women crying on my shoulder about their horrible lives. One who’s marriage is on the rocks, one who had to end things with a great guy because they saw different futures, and one who got trapped in a marriage early on and feels she has no one to talk to, or anyone to help her out of the hole she’s finding herself in financially without yelling at her. I have also had a friend last week who is going through a very hard financial time herself, but seems to be pulling herself together and regrouping. It’s just been horrible for everyone around me.

I’m the type of person who feeds off of others emotions, good, bad or ugly, I feed off of them and my mood and demeanor is based on those around me. When people are up, I’m up, when people are down, I’m down. It’s not a healthy cycle, but it’s who I am. I like to be able to fix things, to give good advice and bring people back to help them repair those things in their life they are unhappy with. Yea, I know, hello Pot, I’m kettle, but I digress…..

Why is it everyone is feeling so down right now? The economy around here is in the toilet so even my customers are miserable. Many of them getting laid off, losing their houses, having their services cut off, and who listens to it all? Yep, me. I enjoy being a good listener, I feel that’s the talent God has bestowed upon me so I listen because for the most part, I really do care. I care about people I hardly know because they are having a rough time, I care even more deeply about people I love because I can’t do anything to help, just sit and watch and listen. It just seems like there is a dark cloud above the world right now.

I look around at the injustices across the world and things just seem to be getting worse and worse and I have no idea how to stop it or even how it will end. I look around for someone to blame, but there is no one. Could satan really be this powerful that he can destroy everyone at once? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the phrase: “Why is God punishing me?” this week. It’s so hard to hear when for the last six months I’ve been asking the same questions. If I were to take my own advice I would know that’s not the case, I would know that everyone has to go through some rough times to really appreciate the good times. But when will this end? When will the economy get better? When will the men in my friend’s lives learn to appreciate who they vowed to love forever? When will the lonely single people of the world finally find peace and happiness and be able to share that with someone?

I don’t know, but I think this is a big part of the cloud. I find myself struggling everyday to get out of bed. At work last night I was just so mad at the world when I got there and a friend of mine asked me what was wrong? The words “I just don’t feel like being alive today” came out of my mouth. He was kind of taken back by that, but it’s really the way I feel anymore. I don’t want to die, I just want to take a day off of life. I need a day to regroup, to come up with a plan, for the phone not to ring, for the bills to not come in, for a day not to count towards a late payment, for one day. One day of peace and quiet and time to figure things out, time to reorganize, to really think about what’s important and figure out how to stay focused on that one thing.

Life anymore has been nonstop. I read a phrase on a blog the other day and I think it was “settle down restlessly” and that’s been me for years. I can’t seem to stop and be happy with where I’m at for too long. There are so many parts of my life in each place I’ve been that I loved so much, but it’s never enough. Will I ever find the place where I can say that I don’t feel the need to keep looking? Or is it my perpetual need to have more bigger goals? Like I get bored if I don’t have something to achieve, big or small I feel like I’m working on my 31 years of to do lists, and I’m not even started! It’s a very strange feeling. Where did I get this idea that I have to be so much to so many, or this imaginary place I call success in both personal and professional life? Why is it I’m not happy doing just one thing? Why do I feel the need to overwork myself to the point of exhaustion? I fear failure. But failure of what is the mystery, if the store fails I feel like my life will come to an end, and I know in my heart I would get through it.

Someone once told me “it’s just money, don’t worry, tomorrow they’ll print more” It’s so true, but it’s hard to say that to the bill collector. It’s not to that point right now, but I feel it going there, most days I feel the world is against me and the whole town is laughing at me for doing this. But I keep going, not for them, or to prove them wrong, but for the people that believe in me. The people that come in and talk to me and tell what a great thing I’m doing and how they appreciate all my hard work and sacrifice, I do it for them. Someday I’ll get to the point I’ll do it for me, but I live my life to serve and right now, I guess that will work.

1 comment:

  1. Ok:
    B) Sorry about the cloud, I'll take it back Saturday when we hang out

    Furthermore, I absolutely believe that Satan is powerfull enough to affect all of these people at the same time. I was talking to Justin the other day and he had the same observation as you, that there are a lot of people in spiritual warfare right now and it's the most he's ever seen. But our God is bigger and stronger then that serpant so fear not.

    If it is to much for you to hear the troubles of other people then you need to set clear boundaries. I had to do that several years ago and yes, I lost some friends, but I gained more friends. Honestly, the friends I lost only kept me around as a therapist of sort and I didn't and don't need friends like that and neither do you.
    It is a lovely and honorable thing for you to want to take care of all of these people emotionally, but who is taking care of you while you're expending all of your efforts on others?
    Now you know I'm all about serving other people, you know that. But I also had to learn the hard way that if I don't take care of myself then I CAN'T help anyone else.

    The grass is always greener. It just is. If only we could get, do, move, say, feel, have, whatever it will be better. But when you get there there's something else that you need to have, get, do, etc. and so on and so on. I have no clue how to get over that syndrome, as you well know I'm in the throes of it as well.

    Finally, it's not your job to fix things. You know I've told Tony this before too. Sometimes the best gift you can give people (and you ARE giving this already) is to just sit with them in the moment and breathe with them. Let them know you love them, let them know you give a damn. Sometimes when I talk to Tony it can be frustrating b/c he always wants to fix fix fix, and honestly, sometimes I just need to face my brokeness for a minute and then move towards a solution.

    I love you baby, I'll see you Saturday for a extra large supersize hug...that'll get my parents tongues wagging!