Saturday, October 3, 2009

Past coming back to haunt me.

It's nothing really major, it's more or less thoughts and behaviors of the past haunting me and I'm not sure how to get past it. It seems every week God brings something to my attention and as the weeks go by it's becoming so overwhelming to realize how much is wrong inside of me!

So here's the story.

So today I was unfortunately placed on front register for supper rush. I don't like front register in this store. In the old store the counter was taller and hid more of my body and I felt less self conscious and enjoyed the customers. In the new store the counter is lower and smaller and I am closer to the customer and more exposed and it's unnerving for me. But I had had a fairly decent day up unto this point so I didn't have a melt down or anything lol. I had served a fairly large amount of people and it slowed down and people were coming up for refills. One particular handsome young man, about the age I would say about 25 or so came up for a refill. I'm rather shy I keep chit chat to small talk with all the customers and it was the same with him. He started to ask questions like "how's your night going" and things like that but said it like it wasn't just small talk to him and I instantly froze up.

My mind instantly switched to defense, I kept wondering why he would ask me that, were him and his friends trying to get more information to make fun of me from their booth? Were they laughing at me and making up things about me while eating dinner? Were they just trying to get me to say something stupid, or any number of other thoughts that were running through my mind at the time. I instantly knew it was ridiculous for me to be thinking this, I knew nothing about this guy, he could just be a geniunly nice person just asking about another human being, and a part of me thought, what if he was hitting on me? I knew it wasn't the situation, but I thought to myself, What if someone WAS hitting on me, or trying to get to know me and I pushed them away and got defensive just because I couldn't believe that anyone as cute as that would ever want to know me without knowing something about me or someone I knew before hand?

I began to think back to a party I attended at college. It was a "frat" party at the only frat house near campus. I was with some friends of mine having a really good time and this hot girl came up to me. She was the kind of woman most men drool over and try and try to get them to talk to them, you know the type, tiny, blonde, big rack. I really couldn't have cared any less about her looks, but it's setting up the story here. These parties were BYOB and I had a cooler of beer under the bench that Leigh Ann, Rianna and I were sitting on. So anyway this girl walks to me and asks where the beer was at. I looked at her and told her it was a bring your own kind of party. She looks at me and starts to twirl her hair and says, "Well do you know where me and my friend could find some beer?" I just looked at her and the defense went up because I knew if a pretty girl or boy was talking to me it was because the wanted something. I told her "So I suppose you think that since you think you're so hot and I'm over weight that I would be drooling and think that if I gave you beer you would be my friend or hang out with me and I would do whatever it took to keep you happy and you wouldn't have to run down to the store and buy yourself your own beer? Well I hate to disappoint you but you're barking up the wrong fat tree, this fat man is not nearly as desperate as I might seem" I turned back around and continued my conversation with my friends.

I look back now and think what an asshole thing to do, I knew she only wanted beer, it's not like I even wanted to talk to her, or want her attention. At the time I had a very nice man named Danny that was trying to get to me, what did I need with her? I think why didn't I just do the nice thing and share the damn beer? At the time I knew that if I did she would think that every overweight guy would bow to their every need just because she twirled her hair, or batted her eyes and I couldn't let that happen. I look back now and think I could have just offered her a beer and been nice about it and just not give her the kind of attention she wanted, but I could have still been a nice guy.

The defenses I have in my head are scarry at times. I wonder how many nice people I refused to talk to, or shoved away from my life just because they wanted to talk to me, or wanted to ask me a question. How many great experiences have I missed out on? How many great potential friends have I missed out on? How many opportunities have I missed out on? All because I thought I wasn't worth enough to talk to someone? It makes me really sad to think about. Could I have pushed away someone that loved me? Someone that wanted to love me? Someone that tried to love me? There are times in this life I feel like a horrible person, no matter how much love I try to share with my friends and family, why can't I share that love with strangers? What is it that makes me so uncomfortable? Could it really just be me?

At what point in my life did I decide I wasn't worth it? Was there one particular point in my life that these gaurds went up in my head? Or is it the years of torment and letting people tell me who I was? Letting people decide how I felt about myself? How does one go about lowering these defenses? Is it like a 48 hour stand down like potential nuclear wars? I'm just not sure what to do about it but work on it. I'm starting to think that the first thing I need to do, the core of all these issues is spend more time believing in myself and like Bethany keeps telling me, stop letting others let me decide how I feel about myself.

It sounds so easy when I type it, it sounds so easy when people speak it. The hard part is listening to it and following through with it.

They always say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Why do my feet feel like they are made of lead?

On a completely unrelated note, I'm suddenly hungry for Resee's cups. It's probably a good thing I ran out of them in the store otherwise I might horde them for myself. lol. Yeah I know Jake knows where I'm coming from. lol.


  1. You bitch! I was gonna leave you a nice, heartfelt and supportive comment, but you just triggered my Reese's button at 6am!!! Argh!!!!!!


    Anywho... I think that while it's important to forgive people for what they've done to us, it's also important to learn from it. It's completely logical that you would have built up a wall around anything that has been used to wound you in the past.

    Problem is, our first instinct when someone seems to be attacking that wall is to immediately go on the defensive. Sometimes we go on preventive offense before they get a chance.

    I think it's okay to have defenses, but how we use them is key. We need to protect ourselves, but be gracious doing it.

    To borrow your example from the party, you were onto that girls scheme, and while you didn't have to say what you did, you also didn't have to go to the other extreme either. You can stand up for yourself and be gracious at the same time. "I'm sorry you don't have anything to drink, but my friends and I only brought enough beer for ourselves."

    Now I feel like a filthy hypocrite and must shower! (I'm so not gracious as I need to be in these situations. I'd a cut the bitch down, too...)

  2. Pete it's so hard to see you like this, because I know exactly how crazy your head can seem when you're caught between the wall you've built and the life that you long for.
    I'm stuck in between different walls now, but I've been on the side that you're on before and I made it to the other side of the wall. There's hope, the other side of the wall is totally worth all the pain and sorrow you have to trudge through to get to it.
    I promise.

    Also, I'm writing a poem using this line, it is so beautiful.

    They always say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Why do my feet feel like they are made of lead?

  3. Bam!

    Here you go :)