It is not necessary to visit me in my dreams to tell me you want me to go to Thanksgiving, you do this every year, but this year I'm fighting you.
That daughter of yours seems to love to make me feel like a failure and this year grandma, I don't need that because I already feel like a complete and utter failure.
I already believe that as a professional I've failed and those people that say I'm family (once a year) just thrive on helping me feel that even more. I don't need that this year and I'm sorry if you think I need to be there. I think of you often and if you were there I wouldn't fight it because you were the only reason I went for the last 10 years of your life.
I know they're family, but I have to draw a line this year. Perhaps next year if I'm in a better place I will reconsider your plea, but this year I have to say no. Those people do not treat me like family and will not miss me one bit, they haven't missed my siblings in the last 7 years, they will certainly not miss me this one year.
If you wish to spend thanksgiving with me, I'll be here at home cooking for dinner with people who do consider me family and treat me as such as well.
This has nothing to do with you, these were choices your daughter made and you alone can not unthaw her frozen bitter heart from the pain of years before. They were her choices and I refuse to take the brunt of her anger and sarcasm when I'm in my own fragile state. For just one day I'm going to try to not feel like a failure, like I haven't failed you, that I haven't failed my parents, and I haven't failed myself, just one day is all I want, just one stinking day.
I'm sorry and I love you, and I hope you understand when I'm not there this year, and I can only hope you won't punish me in my dreams for the next year.