Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Dear Grandma

It is not necessary to visit me in my dreams to tell me you want me to go to Thanksgiving, you do this every year, but this year I'm fighting you.

That daughter of yours seems to love to make me feel like a failure and this year grandma, I don't need that because I already feel like a complete and utter failure.

I already believe that as a professional I've failed and those people that say I'm family (once a year) just thrive on helping me feel that even more. I don't need that this year and I'm sorry if you think I need to be there. I think of you often and if you were there I wouldn't fight it because you were the only reason I went for the last 10 years of your life.

I know they're family, but I have to draw a line this year. Perhaps next year if I'm in a better place I will reconsider your plea, but this year I have to say no. Those people do not treat me like family and will not miss me one bit, they haven't missed my siblings in the last 7 years, they will certainly not miss me this one year.

If you wish to spend thanksgiving with me, I'll be here at home cooking for dinner with people who do consider me family and treat me as such as well.

This has nothing to do with you, these were choices your daughter made and you alone can not unthaw her frozen bitter heart from the pain of years before. They were her choices and I refuse to take the brunt of her anger and sarcasm when I'm in my own fragile state. For just one day I'm going to try to not feel like a failure, like I haven't failed you, that I haven't failed my parents, and I haven't failed myself, just one day is all I want, just one stinking day.

I'm sorry and I love you, and I hope you understand when I'm not there this year, and I can only hope you won't punish me in my dreams for the next year.

2 comments:

  1. Honey you are NOT a failure. Professionally, personally or relationally.

    You have a right to choose yourself, to choose happiness and to choose to engage or disengage (as it were) anger and bitterness.
    Are there times to engage it and fight against it? Sure. But there are also (and I think more often) times to walk away, disengage from poisenous people and engage with those that build you up not tear you down.

    Finally, don't ever EVER mistake the way poisoneous bitter people treat you, what they say about you, and how they act to replace in your head and heart the way that a BIG GOD with a BIG HEART and an ENDLESS SUPPLY of love loves you. Because you are not a failure to him.

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  2. ^^^^^
    What she said!

    I'm in the same boat with Christmas this year. I refuse to step foot in the home of people who treat me the way my Uncle treats me. I'd love to see my family, but not at that price.

    I think if you and I were the type of people to tell everyone the REAL reason we don't see them when they're at these functions with the "bad" family member, they would support our decisions 100%.

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