Sunday, August 30, 2009

Today

Today started as any ordinary day, forced myself out of bed, got ready for work and went to work.

Today was a day I felt self concious, I don't know what brought it on. I was in a comfort zone, a place that doesn't normally trigger this feeling.

Today was the day I constantly pulled at my shirt because I felt my bulges were too defined by the tight shirt I'm forced to wear.

Today was the day I wouldn't pick things up off the floor because of how I think I look when I bend over in these pants.

Today was the day my feet reminded me how much weight I carry around on them all day long.

Today was a day I felt customers staring at me thinking "Poor guy in his thirties and this is the best he can do"

Today was a day that I felt customers thinking "Hey buddy, just because you work here doesn't mean you have to eat everything, looks like you could put the chicken down"

Today was a day that you looked at me and I couldn't speak because I didn't think I was worthy.

Today was a day that you joked with me, and I thought you were making fun of me.

Today was a day you laughed about something out of hearing range and I thought you were laughing at me.

Today was a day I felt inept to do a simple task.

Today was a day I felt useless and unworthy of my skin, all 500 pounds of it.

Today was a day I felt lazy because I took a nap after work.

Today was a day I felt like a hog because I had a can of soda.

Today was a day I felt everyone staring at me judging every choice at the grocery store.

Today was a day I felt you staring at me wondering how fat could someone get.

Today was a day I felt as if you wondered how much fabric it took to make enough clothes to cover me.

Today was a day I felt as if I haven't done anything with this life.

Today was a day I felt as if you were watching me feeling sorry for me, the lonely guy alone at Chipoltle.

Today was a day I felt you judging me for eating the entire burrito and snacking on the chips.

Today was a day I could feel you staring into my soul, knowing the thoughts I'm having and laughing because you know you would never lower your standards enough.

Today was a day I felt you watching me drive by thinking you were in college so you didn't end up driving the beat up truck you see before you.

Today was a day I felt you watching me and laughing at how I walk.

Today was a day I felt like the worlds largest man still able to walk.

Today was a day I felt you judging my clothes.

Today was a day I felt every choice I've made in the past was wrong.

Today was a day I felt as if my choices for the future may be wrong and that's why the future is not happening.

Today was a day I felt so distant from everyone else on the planet.

Today started out as any ordinary day, today was a day that wasn't really bad. Today was a day that nothing out of the ordinary happened, but today was the day I couldn't escape my head.

Tomorrow though, is a new day.

6 comments:

  1. Today is the day I remember to tell Pete I love him despite how he feels about himself. And sometimes because of how he feels about himself.

    Because he knows what means to not be able to escape his head, regardless of how together you appear on the outside.

    Because he knows that sometimes the skinny bitches are just as f'ed in the head as the rest of the world.

    Because he loves me, despite me not having my shit together either.

    Love ya, buddy.

    It IS a new day! Start it with a hug!

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  2. Ditto Jake.
    I've been having that week all last week. I wish I was closer so I could hug you and tell you how loved you are.
    So I'll do it here. You are more loved then you could possibly imagine. (((((((HUG)))))))))

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  3. Dearest Pete...
    remember, that today is the day that you can look all those people in the eye and say (well, okay, really you will think it) fudge you... I'm loved by people because of who I am.

    Not to mention... I think you're hot!

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  4. Thanks guys, I wasn't able to put it to words until I read Bethany's post, and for some reason the words came to me.

    As much as I hate for others to have days like yesterday it helps me sadly. lol.

    But today IS a new day and your love always helps. :)

    Love you guys too!

    And katy.......ditto you sexy beast you. ;)

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  5. that was a beautiful post. Thank you. I enjoyed every word, and in a sincere (not entertaining) way. Being a human is difficult, and know you are not alone, only the details differ. Love the honesty of your words. Thats a gift in itself. Keep shining.

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  6. uh-oh... spam!

    Time to enable capthca!

    ReplyDelete