Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm still alive

I think I've used this title before. I've been withdrawing from my online community lately. I've tried to withdraw from every day society as well, but it seems like there is something happening every minute of every day that someone feels I need to be a part of.

I withdraw at times of depression, I didn't even want to write this blog because I'm not sure what anyone can say to bring me out of it. I know it's myself keeping me in it, but I can't see the forest through these damn trees these days.

I don't know if I'll be able to keep my doors open much longer, things have hit some really bad spots and I'm not bringing in even 1/2 of what I need to bring in everyday to pay the bills. I can't just close up shop because the bank will take the store and I won't be able to pay back any of they money I owe to people. I've been looking for full time third shift work so I could do the store part time and work full time third shift to cover the bills, but our unemployment rate is about to reach 16% which means there is no work here.

I had to write a check when I know there is no money in the account today just to keep my electric on, I hope I'll make enough by Friday to make the check good, but I just don't know. The only way to lower my electric bill is to shut down the one cooler I have left that houses all items that are refrigerated in my store, and I just can't do that if I plan on keeping the doors open as long as I can. I've been in tough spots before, I know that somehow it will work out, but I have a hard time seeing that right now. I can't talk to my parents about it because they'll want to help and they can't so then they'll just lie awake every night worried about me, and I don't need that on my mind.

I know there are people in worse positions in life than me, I know everyone is having a hard time right now, I know I'm not alone, and yet I don't feel any better. I've tried to forget about it, I've tried to turn my attitude around, but this is always around me, here suffocating me and dragging me down, I just can't seem to escape it. I have to have humiliating conversations with vendors about not placing orders and spreading my bill out over several weeks and I wonder, how long can this go on? How long can I struggle before it all collapses over me and there is nothing to bargain with? How can I just close the doors and still repay those whose shaky financial future is in this place? If it were just me it wouldn't be so bad, but it's not. People loaned me their money, money that is supposed to be their future, I just can't walk away from that, it's not who I am, and it's not what I do. As long as I still have breath in my body, I have to get out from under this thing, somehow.

I didn't want to write a blog because it's depressing and people just end up feeling sorry for me, and I'm so tired of being that guy. I did this and I have to find a way out of it. I wrote this blog to inform people why I'm withdrawing from everything. I'll work my way back into society, I'm trying, a post here and there, I'll keep trying until it works.

Dear God,
Help me out of here,
for my sake and the sake of my family.


  1. You know, when I read these blogs it doesn't make me feel sorry for you, it helps me know how to pray for you. Please keep us updated, I'm going to keep pulling you through the trees so you can see the forest mmmkay.

  2. Makes me feel bad for thinking my problems are problems. My problems are so petty. :-( I have no desire to try any more -for anything. I hope, though, that you do.

  3. just because we don't have the same problems doesn't mean yours are any less.

    I haven't lost my will to try, I'm just super frustrated and not sure how to fix it.

    Don't ever think you're problems are petty.