Saturday, December 8, 2007

Happiness

I just thought of something to blog about so yes, two blogs in one night.

I have been thinking about telling everyone how happy I am with my life right now, but the more I think about it, I'm not. I'm getting to the point of misery. I work three jobs to not even make ends meet, I'm surrounded by people that I really don't want to be around, those I do want to be around have lives outside of this one. My best friend can't seem to show emotion about anything and it drives me crazy. How can I open up to someone who can't show emotion? I've never even seen him pissed off, well I know I've seen it, but he doesn't scream, he doesn't do anything but throw anyone off with his sarcasm. I know he's unhappy. I know he loves his job, but he's unhappy with his love life, with his financial situation, with a whole lot in his life. He and I are so simlar and yet we never talk about it. These are just observations I make from what seems like a distance. I used to think he didn't pay attention to me either, but the more and more I realize he knows me better than I think. He knows how I'll react, he knows answers to questions before I answer and he knows my habits.

How in 13 years have I never noticed him paying attention to our friendship? He sees patterns others don't, he knows me, and yet I feel like we hardly talk. I talk more about what's going on than he does. Our lives revolve around our jobs. His one and my three, how is it we can hardly find anything else to talk about? And how did we survive 13 years on talking about work? It's because of the subtlties of everything I guess. Things I notice as he's going about his day, things I catch on to in a moment of drunk conversation. I enjoy drinking with him because we actually talk. We talk about the past his thinks I don't know about and I try to tell him who I am. I think he knows, but I'm not sure he ever wants to hear it. We have a complex relationship.

I really have no idea what started this blog...let me go see.....oh yes, my miserable life. I have no social life, I have no money to go out, I don't even have enough money for a long distance phone call to phone friends that have moved away and mean so much to me. I work three jobs, day and night and I still have nothing to show for it. I'm so fed up and so scared of the future. Is this really what I want out of life? Was this really the right decision? What will happen if I leave? Where would I go? Would I feel like a failure if I give up and give in to a losing battle? Will I regret moving on with my life? I'm so confused and lost and I hate to burden some of my friends with this all at once. I get tired of the same advice. It will get better, you will be fine. I just wish for once someone would tell me somthing from the heart, something that will open my mind enough to understand what they are saying. Something that they really mean and didn't read on a post card, or worse yet, what they are afraid of telling me.

I just feel like they are holding back afraid of hurting my feelings, like they have to lace everything with sarcasm so I wonder if they are serious or not. I hope not. When will I let go of these fears and let myself live my life? When will I let down my walls and let people in? I'm getting better. I've opened myself up to two people so far this year and let them into a life no one has ever known of. Two people that have welcomed all of me, all of my dark secrets and helped me and accepted me for who I am. And yet I'm tied to this internet, I'm tied into saying things without having to say them outloud, and when I finally have people capable of listening to everything I feel awkward about saying them outloud. Being someone for 30 years on the inside and then one day introducing him to the world is a very strange and confusing experience.

anyway, the alcohol is kicking in so I'll stop blathering on incoherently.

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