Thursday, December 6, 2007

What to do

So I'm at a loss again, I'm never quite sure how I keep landing in this position. My store seems to be taking a nose dive and I'm not sure how it got this way or how to pull out of it. I'm so frustrated I could just explode! I keep trying, and nothing is working. What is it these people want from me? I've never met more difficult people in my life! Of all the places I've lived in my life, this has to be the most confusing.

Things have gotten so bad at times I've considered driving my car into the river and putting an end to it all. I wouldn't but the thought has crossed my mind. I would never let financial matters put an end to my life, it's the cowards way out, but it doesn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. If I put this in my other blog people would be going crazy and I don't need that.

I'm just trying to figure it out. Christmas is supposed to be happy a time for celebration, and yet I'm depressed, I'm broke and I'm lonely. I just don't know what to do or how to fix it. I've considered getting help for the depression but I have no money and no health insurance, what else can I do? Bills are piling up and money is gone. I already work three jobs totally over a hundred hours a week and I'm still poor and can't afford to even buy new underware at this point. How sad.

I have let the cat out of the bag again, I told another friend I was gay. She had been awfully suspisous and was glad I told her. She's been very helpful in helping me sort out some of the religious aspects of this whole scenario and has truely been a great help to my mental state of mind regarding being gay. She's helped me find a bridge between my life and God that I think I can build stronger. She's pointed me in the direction of another friend of hers that has and is going through the same thing and has offered to talk to me, well message me about it. I feel awkward about it, not sure where to start with a perfect stranger, but maybe I'll find the courage.

Courage, a word that has plagued me all my life. I just realized everything I do or don't do is out of fear. I fear rejection most of all. I have a great money making experience infront of me that could float me along another couple of years both professionally and personally and I'm afraid to make the phone call. I have a gentelman caller very interested in meeting me and he's very local and yet I'm afraid of rejection so I haven't replied to him yet either. Am I really willing to let my fear control my life? Am I willing to say that this is it just because I'm afraid? I hate myself most days.

I hate the way I look, I hate the things I do, I hate the way I think. I have all this self loathing built up inside of myself it's no wonder I find no motivation. I drowning in a pool of hate and I need to get out, I need to save myself before I drown.

Yes this blog can be a bit self centered, a bit of a pity party for myself, but that's why I created it in the first place. Why do I appologize obbsessivly?

Wow I have issues.

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