Monday, November 26, 2007

Friends

There are few people in this life that I actually connect to in such a way that makes me feel less alone. Recently, the last year or so, I have found new people and refound a few people that I swear were born with the same brain. These people are amazing people, each with their own struggles, each with completely seperate lives, each with different choices, and yet their thoughts are so close to mine. I swear we were all born from the same person and just seperated at birth through several years even.

I'm a big reader of blogs, I especially love blogs written by people I know, or have gotten to know, it's scary at times to read these blogs thinking I could have written them myself. That I myself could have written the same thing word from word, and many of them have felt the same about my blogs. Can it be that these thoughts and ideas have drawn us all together? Do other people have this? Since I have found friends like this I have started to reevaluate several other friendships and I feel like my other friendships are lacking in something. I have friends that I would do anything for, friends I care very deeply about, but there are times we have nothing to talk about. I'm baffled sometimes how two people could remain friends if they feel they can't talk about certain things with each other.

How can I be friends with someone that I can't talk to? I can't express my feelings to? Maybe it's me. I find myself unable to express certain things to certain people because I feel they don't care. Sometimes I get the feeling that they really don't care about what happens in my life, and just when I start to think that they say something or react in a way to show they really do care. It always takes me by surprise, I'm not sure why. I have very few friendships that have lasted very long. Some of my friends aren't really my friends anymore, but say they are. How could they be if they know nothing about my life? People call themselves my friends and yet they don't know I have three jobs, or what's happening at the store, or even what my phone number is. So why is it we stay friends? My oldest actual friendship that is still intact after all these years is a mere 13 years old. 13 years out of 30.

It makes me sad that some of the best people in my life don't know of me before. I didn't get to share in experiences before that, times I wasted on people I don't even talk to anymore. There are people I used to call friends that are more like just people I know now, and there were people back then I knew, or knew of that now know more about me then most people. It's a very strange cycle in life that I find so baffling.

If you haven't noticed baffle is my new favorite word.

Maybe it's me. I find myself a great listener but not a very good conversationalist. I have trouble phrasing things, or even putting somethings to words. I find myself becoming so sheltered from the outside world because of my many jobs I feel I don't have the right advice, like I don't have the right things to say so I don't say anything. There are times I don't say anything or put on my happy face because I get tired of always complaining, so I hide what's really going on and fake it. To talk about myself would involve too many emotions, or sometimes I feel like people would want to get involved when it's not really what I want. Sometimes I just want people to listen, I guess that's why I blog so freakin much at times. I just have things to say that I don't normally just say, and you have the choice to read or to move on, either way I feel someone will read and it always makes me feel better. ; )

This blog really has no point to it, it's just something I've been taking note of lately. I love everyone of my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything, and there is a long list of people that were friends at one time that I still care for. Not because we still talk, or that they still even care, but because we shared a moment in time. We shared an experience, we shared the same space for what seems like a split second that left a lasting impression in my mind. If my mind remembers them, they meant something to me, and I wonder, does it mean the same to them?

In the last several years I've come across people from my past that have shared the same stories about me that I remember and it makes me feel good to know they must have had some sort of impression left in their mind from me. It's a good feeling to know that the moment we shared, the joke that was told, or the experience we had was memorable to someone else as well. That moment was not wasted, that moment was special enough for two people in the world that they remember it years and years later.

Life is so funny sometimes. It picks you up, it drops you down, and sometimes it throws you into a spin cycle in a washing machine, beats you up like a dirty rug, chews you up and spits you out, and yet we continuously pick ourselves up and move on. Each experience, each moment remembered. Do you remember yours?

1 comment:

  1. You know, for a moment to be meaningful it doesn't have to be meaningful to both people. I have had people tell me things about interactions we had that moved them in a way that changed them forever...but I was thinking it was just another conversation, just another time of hanging out and being silly. Similarly, I have had moments with people that have so shattered me, or altered my entire outlook on life, and they don't even remember they happened. But my experiences aren't based off of other people validating that they are true, that they were right.
    Not to mention the fact that people can care deeply for you and know the deepest darkest thing about you and share that pain, triumph etc., and not know the simplest thing like your phone number. Although, I do know your phone number now so ha ha!
    These connections, they aren't really measurable, they're also not plannable. I have a friend that I've known for almost 20 years, but since she's not a believer I can't share certain things with her because she just doesn't understand, and she can't until she has that relationship with Christ.
    I'm rambling now. But I hope that makes sense.
    I didn't mean for my comment to turn into a blog entry of my own, but you bring out the chatty cathy in me I suppose!

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