Well some how it happened again, I don't know how it happens, it just does.
I went to church this morning, I have felt the need to go for sometime now but have been avoiding it in fear of feeling angry again, and yet it snuck up on me again. I went today as my cousin's baby was being baptized and I was so torn with emotion I still don't know how to deal with it.
My family is so close, we're a tight kint group that would throw parties just so we could all get together. Suddenly this baptism was a great opportunity for a party, and yet most of the family wasn't even invited. None of the cousins, our parents were invited, but none of us. There has been no explanation as to why, which would get rid of much of this anger. I feel hurt, and I know I shouldn't, but at the same time I do. After church everyone was rushing the front to see the baby and visit with the family and I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. It was not all due to the family issue, but it was a part of it. If they didn't want me there to celebrate, I figured they wouldn't want me there either. I feel bitter and I hate it.
The other reason is once again I'm over come with the fear of my God's disapproval for my life. On Sunday morning when I'm taking my shower I listen to the radio, the local station broadcasts different sermons, it has been my way to listen to church without the anger and hurtful feelings. This morning nearly had me in tears, it was a sermon about how evil and sinful homosexuality is. I just couldn't believe it. There I was reaching out to God and a man of God telling me I was going to burn in hell for all eternity for being who I am. How is that justice? How am I supposed to take that? I just can't believe that my God, my God that I have been worshiping my whole life, my God that I have tried my best to serve, would send me to burn in hell for all eternity for being who I am.
God himself created me. How could he create something he planned on condeming to hell? How could I be cast out and thrown aside like that? How could I be let down like that? I was crushed. I still feel at a loss for what to feel. It has sucked out all that is good in my Sundays and it makes me feel even more alone. I feel like my pastor can see my pain. After church he stands at the back and shakes everyones hands as they leave. Today when he gripped my hand he put his other one on my arm and told me how nice it was to see me. I think he could look into my soul, I felt like he could see through me. His eyes were filled with comfort with caring and concern. The man is amazing. I know that talking to him could help me, could help ease some of my religous frustration, but how? I don't have the time, nor am I comfortable telling my mother's boss about my lifestyle, about who I really am. It's not really a conversation that I think I can have.
I'm sitting here watching shows with weddings. I try to picture finding myself someone to love, someone that will love me and wonder what it would be like the first time we were seen together with my family, to dance together, to show some sort of affection, what kind of earth shattering shock that would cause. But with my bitterness growing in my family should I care? Is my bitterness growing because of that?
I'm so lost I could scream. I've been researching more and more about depression and I'm starting to believe that I am depressed, I fit 98% of all the physical and mental tell tale signs, it's a bit freaky. But the sad and depressing part of it all is I can't afford to see the doctor and I couldn't afford the meds, so here I am with my thoughts and my blog. Lucky you.
Well I have stuff to do. Each blog entry ending like the one before it, sad and lonely. When will it ever end? I'm slipping away from who I was and becoming someone I don't like. A whiny and depressing son of a bitch. Here's to something different.