Monday, November 12, 2007

open for love

So I have been discussing my dating life or lack there of with an old high school friend I have become very close with. And I decided that I truly am ready to open my life and my heart to let love back in. I have decided what I want and what I won't settle for. I'm ready to share myself with someone, someone who will see through the outside crap and see what's inside my heart.

What I've realized is that deciding to open my heart has exposed and opened the hole that's inside. The hole that makes me feel empty, the hole that makes me lonely. This gaping hole I have discovered in my heart. I don't need it filled to feel complete, I need it filled to stop feeling so alone. Even in my relationships that I have had, I have felt alone. There is nothing worse than laying in bed with someone you think you love and feel more alone than when you are alone.

I have this hole that I want to fill. It has a shape that doesn't allow just anyone to fill it. The last few have been rectangles trying to fit into a square hole. The very last one was like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

Speaking on the phone for a mere 10 minutes I discovered 15 things that turned me off, basic beliefs or basic behaviors that were enough to make me run any other time, and yet I continued on. I listened more, I talked more, I exposed feelings I had never shared with someone I knew I would never care for, why? because of that hole in my heart. I continued on a week's worth of conversations and started to make plans with someone I knew I wouldn't like, someone I knew was incredibly wrong for me, and yet I continued. I nearly made a large mistake and led someone into believing I was something I'm not, that I was looking for something I'm not just to fulfill a physical need, to fill the hole in my heart. I told myself after my last relationship fell apart that I would not settle, that I would not be talked into dating anyone I didn't want to date, and yet there I was making the same mistakes.

I spend most of my free time watching movies and episodes of t.v. shows. It has been unhealthy to grow up as part of the t.v. generation. I have come to expect different things from love. I expect movie or t.v. love, where all problems can be settled in less than 60 minutes. The romance that makes the music start to play. And then there are movies that are meant to make people laugh and yet make me want to jump off a freakin cliff.

The movie Shallow Hal was disguised as a funny movie that people should watch. And yet what I saw when I watched it was a horrifying movie. A movie that told me that no one would be attracted to me without being hypnotized into seeing the good in people and not the outside package. I am one that has been hiding behind my weight all my life. Even when I found someone that could see through the outside I never believed it, because I didn't find it possible that someone would find me attractive. Even the latest escapade of mine, swore me to they found me attractive, and I kept saying photos are easily decievable.

I am the low self esteem funny man that people love to be friends with, they love to love me, but they never fall for me. Online dating seems to be my only option, it's a way for people to get to know me before they see me. And it drives me crazy. I'm not sure if my loneliness or my physical urges, but I find many people attractive. Small, tall, short or heavy, everyone has beauty within them. If I can see that, why can't others? Am I searching for the wrong type of person?

I created this blog to say the things I wanted to say, I'm not always allowed to do that in my other blogs, blogs that people read. I am the funny man that is supposed to entertain everyone when deep inside I feel like I'm dying. I put on a happy and sarcastically entertaining face for everyone but deep down inside I cry, I cry nearly everyday inside. I want to scream in agony and fear, I want to scream in frustration and anger. And yet when people see me they see Mr. Funny. The person on the inside is crying out for help, for a hug, for someone to snuggle up to him at night, rub his back and tell him that everything is going to be alright. And yet every night I go to bed alone, I lay on the couch alone, I drive alone and the person on the inside is dying. What happens when that voice dies? Will I give up all together? The voice scares me and drives me to do things I wouldn't normally do.

There is so much on this blog that people would be shocked to read, so much people don't want to hear, so much people would be upset with and feel hurt by. People that would never speak to me, so why do I do this?

I even have altered every entry to curb my expressions, I have altered it because I have been ashamed of what I have written, things about me that no one knows, things that I feel no one should ever know, but things I desperately want people to know, and yet I erased entries. I live in fear everyday of being discovered for who I am, and yet inside I'm screaming for people to find out. There is more to me and yet very few people in my life have opened their eyes enough to catch a glimpse of who I am. I have one friend that has told me of this, one friend that has seen through most of my charades and most of my cryptic messages to see me for who I mostly am. There are still things he doesn't know, things I think I should be ashamed of, things I'm afraid of saying, but maybe he sees those too.

I have been so lonely lately I reached out to people I had to say goodbye too with the end of my last relationships. I reached out in disguise, I created a character, a character that is very close to who I am, feels the way I feel and says the things I want to say. These people are befriending someone in my mind. I have created such a background and thought into this character that I've created an alternate ego. A new personality that sometimes has a tough time drawing lines between that life and this one. I feel sad for doing this, but part of me believes it's my creativity that is creating this character. It has crossed my mind that these stories should become a book, it may be a good way to get myself out there, at least onto paper.

I have no idea what I'm saying in this blog, it's a purge of things in my head. I became so lonely today that I went to work. My one day off and I volunteered to go to a job a hate because there were people there. There was something other than my house, something other than my business to go to, to do, to talk to. It's just so sad that I would give up my day off to go someplace I hate, just so I'm not alone. Even now tears form in my eyes because it hurts so much. This loneliness that is eating me up from the inside and it has made me more emotional than I care to be.

Today is Sunday, when I was a kid Sundays were a day about God. I woke up today and realized that I have forgotten that. It's not that I have lost my love for God, or my faith in God. God has kept me alive this far, I live for my God, I don't serve him as much as I should, but I do the best I can. I realized this morning that now that I finally have my 20 year identity crisis under control it has spawned a religious crisis. A crisis I don't have a way to search for answers for. The solution to my identity crisis has landed me in a situation I wasn't prepared for, my anger and confusion towards organized religion. My first blog on this site was in regards to my crisis of faith, I don't really have the strength to go into it again.

I have loved my church all my life but it is this church that has been a part of driving me away. The easy answer is to find another church, but each church in this area would drive me away just as far. I find myself lost in thought. I find myself questioning everything and everyone in my life. How do I stop it? My pastor is a kind man, a smart man and has done wonders for everyone in my church, including my own family. But what if he doesn't have the answers. Where do I find the answers I'm searching for? My sister said to start with my pastor, she said he's a great place to start. I haven't told her what my crisis is, I know she'd understand but I'm not ready for her help, but maybe she'd be a good start. She studied religion in a different environment, with different views, maybe she would have the answers. I'm just not sure.

I'm just searching for answers, maybe the answers will fill the void in my heart and I wouldn't feel so lonely. I know God is always with me, but the void in my heart is the chasm between me and the loving embrace of my God, the God that wouldn't let me feel so alone. The God I want to love me for who I am, good bad and indifferent.

I go to bed tonight the same as every night, searching, praying to send me the answers I need. He listens, I know he's there just waiting for me to find a way over the chasm.

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