Monday, November 12, 2007

Hard Days

The business is struggling. I seem to be side swiped when I'm not watching. Two years later this shouldn't be so hard. I fight every day to stay alive, I fight to pay the bills and it leaves me with nothing. Can someone please tell me how to fix it? Can someone tell me what I'm missing? I work and work and work and get no where. What have I done? What haven't I done?

No one said owning a business would be so heart breaking. The ups, the downs, it's an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready for the exciting part to come up.

I've decided to post a blog I just wrote for myspace:

Can someone explain to me how to make it stop?

I work, and I work, and I work and I still have nothing. My car is on it's last tire and I can't afford to fix it and I can't afford to replace it. What do I do?

My trasmission has been acting up for several weeks and to get it looked at requires $70 bucks. Which to most people is not much, but to me it's one week of pay. If it needs a new transmission I'm looking at $1700. The car is worth $2000. I can't put in a new transmission for a car that has 170,000 miles. What's to say the motor won't burn up the week after?

I don't have the credit for a new car, there are places for times like this I know, but they still require income. I have an income of $5,000/year and $35000 worth of student loans hanging over my debt to income ratio. That's really the only bill I have besides car insurance, my struggling business pays for everything else. I'm at a loss.

They tell me God will only give me what I can handle, but I'm telling you that in the last six months my mind has reached that point. I was hoping to leave Wendy's after christmas but I don't see that happening, I may have to pick up more shifts instead. How do I turn this place around to pay me? The economy is in the toilet and businesses all around me that have been well established are closing up. I'm a little freaked out.

My dad just stated he wonders what it woud be like if I had stayed in architecture. I'm not sure how to take that, if he regrets helping me do this or that he wished I hadn't done this at all, or if he's just wishing the same thing as me, that it wouldn't be this hard two years later. Even if I had stayed in the business, they are hurting too. My old boss went under and that is only one instance out of many that I have heard. A job in that field is just as shaky as anything else right now.

Am I being punished? Was ex. 2 right? Is karma coming back and has put a hex on me? Is that even possible?

I was told all my life that hard work paid off. My question is when? I'm not asking to be wealthy, I'm not asking for a Jaguar, I'm not asking for diamonds and gold. I'm only asking to have a running car, a place to call my home, and clothes on my back. I seem to be failing right now and it's killing me. I'm losing my motivation, I'm losing sight and I'm not sure how to turn it around.

I had a bad mental weekend and this is just not helping. I'm bowling tonight so hopefully that will help my mood because something has got to change it, something has to change, something has to go right. I'm just at my wit's end. I'd never be dumb enough to do something drastic or stupid, so don't think like that. I'm just slowly losing my mind and I have no idea how to stop it.

I've been in tight financial spots before and somehow I've always managed to find a way out, but I'm running out of ideas, I'm running out of energy and I'm tired of sleepless nights. I find myself up until 2 or three in the morning nearly every night because my mind won't stop thinking long enough for me to collapse. I try to keep it all in so my parents won't stay up at night worrying also, but sometimes it slips out.

I'm sorry this is so whiney, I just had to get it out of my system. I have to whine once in awhile, it keeps me a well balanced person. ; )

Anyway I'm off to clean and try and forget about life for awhile.

End of post

Yeah, it's been a rough few days in my head. I should be thankful I have semi good health, a loving family, friends I wouldn't trade for the world, and opportunity people only wish for. And yet here I am whining and complaining how hard my life is. I'm just not right in the head.

1 comment:

  1. (((((((HUG))))))))
    Even though I don't know your dad, I'm sure that he was probably saying that from the same place you are...wondering why it still has to be so hard 2 years later and wanting it to be better because he loves you so much.
    It's ok to whine occasionally. I think that it's stellar that you're in the right state enough to know that it could be worse. But knowing it could be worse doesn't negate that you wish it could be better you know?
    I love ya Pete, keep fighting the good fight. It's always worth it even if it takes a lifetime to figure out why.