Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm going to miss you.


Tonight you told me you were leaving. I have a mere 4 days left to enjoy your presence before you leave and take the world by storm.

I can't tell you how you've made me feel these past 9 months, how happy you've made me, how I've looked forward to seeing you, and how I wish I could tell you the things that have been on my mind. To listen to you, to get to know you, to just be near you. I can't tell you because you'd never think of me the same again. I can tell you that I'm going to miss you, but that's all I can say. I want to tell you what a great, sweet and caring person you are, but for one guy to say that to another guy is just forbidden. I want to tell you that I love you and you deserve so much more than you think you do, but I can't.

I want to tell you how I melt when you smile, how I forget about my problems when you talk to me, how I feel a 1000 miles away when you brush your hair away from your face before you got your hair cut. I can't tell you how you take my breath away, and how sad I feel when you say you hate life, how upset I get when you talk about settling for something you're better than. How much joy I get when you're happy.

I want to tell you that you are beautiful, you are rugged and sweet all at the same time. I want to tell you how if I could end up with a man with half your qualities I would feel lucky. How you are so much smarter and so much more mature than the counterparts of your age, and how I wish you more happiness than you'll ever know how to handle. I want to tell you these things but I can't, I shouldn't. I know that in the next four days I'm going to cross a line, I'm going to have to tell you something, and I worry. But I have this time to think about how to tell you these things without freaking you out. At your age and your upbringing you might flip out, but I will probably never see you again after next week, so I don't have much to lose. I must tell you how different you are, and how you deserve the best, and I will.

I won't tell you how I feel about you, because no matter how much I wish you were mine, I am realistic in knowing you never would be. You and I could be friends, even with 12 years between us, we could hang out, we have before and it was great. It's bitter sweet as in you won't be around to confuse me anymore, you won't be there for my self torture, and maybe, maybe I'll be able to let it go. I know it could never be, but when I look into your eyes, I wish. It's unhealthy in a way, but I don't see it that way. You have not held me back from anything, you only cause more yearning, yearning for a hug, yearning for a smile. You were the one thing that made that place bearable, I don't know what I'm going to do without you. How will I be able to work without you there?

I know why you're leaving and I'd be a fool to stop you. You are in a place in your life that you need to get out of there, I know what you're going through and I know it is in YOUR best interest to leave, so I will support you. But before you leave I will write you a letter, to tell you that you are special, to encourage you to chase your dreams, and never take no for an answer. You have had a tough up bringing and I want to make sure that someone you know and trust tells you these things, because I know you enough to know that you will take it to heart. And maybe during rough times you may bring the letter out and use it for encouragement, to remind you that you are better than the life people tell you that you should be living, and perhaps, you will remember me. Remember that I believe in you, remember that I was here to listen, remember I was there to encourage and help you in times of need, I just pray that our friendship no matter how brief will affect you in a positive way, and that in three years you won't only remember me, but you will remember me as more than the nice manager you worked with for a brief moment in time, but as the friend you miss.

I wish this because I will miss you. I will miss you more than I will ever admit. If you asked me, I would probably tell you, I trust you. I want you to be happy, I want you to take the world by storm and become all you can be, and all you wish to be, because you can, you're strong enough, you're smart enough, and you have an infectous personality.

So I bid you farewell, I say good bye, and I say I will remember you for years to come.

2 comments:

  1. IMHO there is nothing more loving and filled with grace then to encourage someone to step out boldly into a life fully lived and embraced...especially when it costs you a little something to let that person go.
    This just put into perspective the mental argument I've been having about J since that day we spent in the woods. Thanks :)
    See you Saturday!
    Judith

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  2. Wow. That was beautiful ... and kind of oddly eye opening for things in my own life.

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