Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I want to hand it over.

I have been trying and trying and praying and praying for the strength to give this stress to God. I know he's big enough to take it, I know he doesn't need me to worry about it, but how do I just hand it over? How do I just let it out of my head when I'm surrounded by it daily, I'm drowning in it. How do I take this and just turn it over?

I have true faith that God can see me through this, I know he only gives me what I can handle, but I'm at my breaking point, I'm so tired of stressing about it, I'm so tired of the same thing day in and day out. I feel like if I could just cry I'd feel better. The booze doesn't help, and neither does distracting activities, it's always there, it's eating me from the inside out, how, oh how do I just let it go?

I tried to cry tonight to at least get some sort of release from my system, but I can't, I'm so mad that it won't let the depression run through my system and let it out, and I'm not sure crying about it would do a damn bit of good anyway.

I want out, I want to get in my car and run away from it all, to disappear into the night and never look back. Start over, start fresh and not make the same mistakes of my past, to live, to be free, to just start over.....fresh.

But I know I can't, I know I can't run far enough, I know that no matter where I go, it will always find me, until it's settled, until I face it, fix it and then let it go.

So in the mean time, how do I deal, how do I let God take it off of my shoulders.

I pray that tonight is the night, that tomorrow I wake up and feel anew, that I feel like he has lifted it from me, that tomorrow I become myself again.

Pray for me will ya?

3 comments:

  1. Dearest Pete,

    I hope things get better for you soon. I hope that something exciting and hopeful happens for you. Don't give up hope.

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  2. I pray for you all the time.
    It's so odd reading your words because we have totally different situations, yet the same feelings -anger, confusion, and exhaustion (from the bullsh*t). I could have written the same words.

    Letting go is one of the hardest things EVER. I'm trying and it will take time, but I WILL get by. I AM MOVING ON. And so will you!!!

    Patience is a virtue ... yeah, but patience is also a bitch! :-)

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  3. It's true that God won't give you more than you can handle, but it's sometimes important to remind yourself there is someone out there trying to keep people from being close to God.

    Satan can throw things at you too; and he does. In those times, just remind him who your Father is, and that you don't have to deal with his crap, and you won't. It all sounds very "Sunday School", but sometimes you have to get vocal with the enemy.

    I'm glad you realize that "the booze doesn't help". It can be nice to have a drink from time to time and let alcohol do what it does to try and ease the tension. Just don't drink to try and forget for a while. Take my word for it that that is a dangerous path I started walking down myself, and no good can come from it. There's also another person, whom you're closer to (she's the one who "introduced" us, hint hint) that can tell you how that ends.

    The only "advice" I can offer, if you want to call it that, is this: When you give something up to God, but it still beats down your door, it doesn't mean God didn't take it from you or that He's not doing anything about it. You just have to remind yourself, as often as necessary, "Pete, you gave that up to God, remember? I'm going to work on it as much as I can, but the worry and stress I already gave to God."

    It's perfectly healthy to tell yourself to shut up every now and again if you have to. I just wouldn't recommend doing it out loud in public, because some people may feel differently about it!

    I'm done babbling now...

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