I have been trying and trying and praying and praying for the strength to give this stress to God. I know he's big enough to take it, I know he doesn't need me to worry about it, but how do I just hand it over? How do I just let it out of my head when I'm surrounded by it daily, I'm drowning in it. How do I take this and just turn it over?
I have true faith that God can see me through this, I know he only gives me what I can handle, but I'm at my breaking point, I'm so tired of stressing about it, I'm so tired of the same thing day in and day out. I feel like if I could just cry I'd feel better. The booze doesn't help, and neither does distracting activities, it's always there, it's eating me from the inside out, how, oh how do I just let it go?
I tried to cry tonight to at least get some sort of release from my system, but I can't, I'm so mad that it won't let the depression run through my system and let it out, and I'm not sure crying about it would do a damn bit of good anyway.
I want out, I want to get in my car and run away from it all, to disappear into the night and never look back. Start over, start fresh and not make the same mistakes of my past, to live, to be free, to just start over.....fresh.
But I know I can't, I know I can't run far enough, I know that no matter where I go, it will always find me, until it's settled, until I face it, fix it and then let it go.
So in the mean time, how do I deal, how do I let God take it off of my shoulders.
I pray that tonight is the night, that tomorrow I wake up and feel anew, that I feel like he has lifted it from me, that tomorrow I become myself again.
Pray for me will ya?