It sounds so silly to say how alone I feel right at this moment when I have tons of people that love me so much. Why must they be spread out so far away? Some as close as 20 minutes, some as far as a 2 days drive.
There is so much going on and I feel like I'm going through everything all alone. The buyer started some crap tonight at 1am. Who can I call or talk to at 1am? I hate this. I said in my last post that sitting all alone during Patty's ceremony was o.k. but I'll be honest, it sucked. I don't like the feeling of sitting amongst 200 people and feeling all alone.
I hate dealing with this deal all alone. I feel like dealing with this is just as stressful as opening up when I did that 5 years ago.
I long for the day that I don't feel so alone. I long for the day when I feel my problems are worthy of discussing with people other than this blog and the people that read or don't read it. I long for the day of conversations, even if random about my day. When people ask me about what's going on my answer is usually pretty vague and short because it's usually an opening dialogue about what they really want to talk about, I've learned that and accepted it. Some people are just better at listening. I guess I've trained myself to be that person.
The truth is, I spend most of my time with this inner dialogue, I just can shut it off. I spend most of my days stressing over something or worried about something, or day dreaming about a life that just could never be.
I went out for my first midnight swim of the year hoping to find peace and tranquility tonight. I found nothing. I found myself getting more worried about this deal, worried about moving, worried about work, worried about the future, worried about life in general. On the drive home I came to some conclusions, some things I feel I need to do, but I'm not sure why because they don't save me any money, they don't solve anything, so I'm not sure why they came to me.
They say it's always darkest before the dawn, and I know from past experience this is always true. I'm always more worried about things at night than I am during the day, so I'm forcing myself to finally go to bed and collapse. I got three hours of sleep last night, worked 11 hours today and it's now 2 am.
Please find it in your heart to deliver me.............from me.