Saturday, June 12, 2010

It sounds so silly to say how alone I feel right at this moment when I have tons of people that love me so much.  Why must they be spread out so far away?  Some as close as 20 minutes, some as far as a 2 days drive.

There is so much going on and I feel like I'm going through everything all alone.  The buyer started some crap tonight at 1am.  Who can I call or talk to at 1am?  I hate this.  I said in my last post that sitting all alone during Patty's ceremony was o.k. but I'll be honest, it sucked.  I don't like the feeling of sitting amongst 200 people and feeling all alone. 

I hate dealing with this deal all alone.  I feel like dealing with this is just as stressful as opening up when I did that 5 years ago. 

I long for the day that I don't feel so alone.  I long for the day when I feel my problems are worthy of discussing with people other than this blog and the people that read or don't read it.  I long for the day of conversations, even if random about my day.  When people ask me about what's going on my answer is usually pretty vague and short because it's usually an opening dialogue about what they really want to talk about, I've learned that and accepted it.  Some people are just better at listening.  I guess I've trained myself to be that person.

The truth is, I spend most of my time with this inner dialogue, I just can shut it off.  I spend most of my days stressing over something or worried about something, or day dreaming about a life that just could never be. 

I went out for my first midnight swim of the year hoping to find peace and tranquility tonight. I found nothing.  I found myself getting more worried about this deal, worried about moving, worried about work, worried about the future, worried about life in general.  On the drive home I came to some conclusions, some things I feel I need to do, but I'm not sure why because they don't save me any money, they don't solve anything, so I'm not sure why they came to me. 

They say it's always darkest before the dawn, and I know from past experience this is always true.  I'm always more worried about things at night than I am during the day, so I'm forcing myself to finally go to bed and collapse.  I got three hours of sleep last night, worked 11 hours today and it's now 2 am. 

Dear Lord,
Please find it in your heart to deliver me.............from me.

1 comment:

  1. Pete, you're not alone. I know my saying that doesn't magically make you feel like that's true but I had to say it anyway.
    You worked 11 hours on 3 hours of sleep. No matter how much you've "trained" your body to be able to do that it really messes with your mind. I know things are so dark at night, I know all to well. But you were exhausted mentally and physically and it will play tricks on you and the enemy will use that exhaustion to make you believe that you are less than you really are.

    I love you, and you can call me at 1am. It might take me a minute to figure out what's happening but I will wake up, I will walk into the living room and I will talk you off of whatever ledge you have found yourself on. I mean it dammit. Call me.