Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Don't know how to process

So I went out tonight to the club for drag night. A bunch of people from work planned it to be my last horrah before leaving town. I had a great time, don't get me wrong based on the following post, but I did have a great time. I went out and danced with the people and had a great time. There was a moment I was so sad because I was going to miss it. I was going to miss the club and the people I went there with, the people I enjoy out of work. It's the end of an era, what else can I say.

On the way home with S he told me that one of his conquests had mentioned in passing about one of his previous conquests was one of my first straight crushes, what was once my best friend. What was once my life, my crush, my everything cheated on his wife with this random guy, when at one time we shared something. I realize how awful that sounds, how awful it makes me feel, he at least wasn't married at the time. I'm still not sure if he even remembers, but I was so filled with jealous rage, something I've never dealt with before when I heard the news. He let someone else be with him. I have never felt like such a huge disgusting hog before.

At one point in the evening before the alcohol really took hold that I caught a reflection of myself in the window trying to dance to the music and thought "what the hell am I trying to do". I felt so huge and disgusting. I just have always wanted someone to check me out, just once. Just once I wanted someone to look at me with lust in their eyes. I realize how awful that makes me sound, but just once I wanted to experience that instead of the repulsion I usually get.

Just once I wanted someone to find me attractive, just once I wanted someone to come dance with me, and at least act like they wanted me. I know how awful that sounds, how self centered that makes me sound, but I just wanted it. Just once.

The only thing to console me right now is the pint of Dean's Guacamole that I seem to be attacking right now, and then I realize, no wonder I look like I look. I've done it to myself and can't seem to stop.

I realize this post sounds like I'm looking for love and acceptance. For someone to say you are perfect just the way you are, but I know in my heart it's not enough, and the only one to change that is me. When will I find the courage to stop hiding behind the giant grotesque body I've created? When will the person I think I am shine through? When will I be enough?

2 comments:

  1. You're always enough... it's so hard to let go of the negatives and cling to the positives.

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