Sunday, April 13, 2008

A very long week.

I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged! Only one person has said anything so I wonder how many people are still reading these things anyway. Oh well, as long as one is reading I'm happy to keep doing it, well it's not really for anyone else besides myself anyway. Did that sound selfish? hmmm.....: )

So last Sunday I ventured back up to Michigan to meet with my old bosses ex-wife. Wow, say that three times fast! It is really strange to think that of all the people I would be going to see in Michigan she would be one of them, but we always got along and after you spend five years with a family, including spending 50 hours a week in their home, you bond with people. She's a bit long winded, but we saw each other through some pretty shitty times, and we both had a common enemy, her husband/ my boss.

It was very strange to be going into that house again after nearly three years of being away from it all. I find it so hard to believe it's already been nearly three years since that part of my life. But anyway her mom (whom I always loved) was there so she could visit with me as well. The whole scene was just so surreal, that house, those people, even now it is tied up with so many strange memories. Seeing the front door of their house that I watched being slammed a thousand times in a fit of rage from my boss, or the kitchen drawer that he constantly ripped off and then threw across the room, or the basement door he broke off the hinges, and so on and so forth. I did finally get to see the finished basement, the original location of the office. The office as it was is now the master bedroom. My 'bat' cave of an office is now a closet, the time I spent in that room, the things that came to mind in that room, and to be honest, the experience I gained in that space is a part of who I am, and who I was.

That entire house just filled with memories, mostly horrible, but there were some good as well. I spent the day catching up with T and the kids. She made it clear when I got there that there was no Bob bashing in front of the kids, which I found very respectful. The kids have grown so much, the youngest looks anything but now, and they are just so much happier. The whole dynamic in that house is so different than it was just four years ago. He had such a huge impact on everyones lives, and not in a good way. With him now thousands of miles away everyone seems happier, the house feels different and I can honestly say I'm finally feeling different.

Sitting and talking to T all day was really more like therapy. After dinner we went to the family room without the kids and were able to discuss the past and present and the last few years and the things that her and kids have been through, and I got to talk about things that have run through my mind since then, and things I was thinking back then. I think we were both feeling better when we were done. I really don't know if I'll ever see them again, but I'm glad I saw them this time, I think I needed it. She also gave me the software I used to use at the office to help me with my current projects and while it's not the most current one, it is what I trained on and must say I enjoy the software tremendously and make my current project move much faster.

As I spent the day on the software it was weird, it was like I suddenly remembered how to be a home designer. I remembered what it was like to zone out of life for hours upon hours and get so much drawing done, how good it feels to see the plans done in front of me, to see my work being done and having the confidence I once had. I feel it suddenly coming back to me, like I remembered why I love that profession, and gives me a different feeling now. Like I've healed and can now get back to this and enjoy it again, to have the confidence of knowing what I'm doing and know that I do have a knack for it. All the while thankful for the 5 years of my life I spent in that office through hell and back learning all this.

It has helped me remember how good of a teacher Bob was, he's still an asshole and I won't forget that, but he was good at what he did, and taught me what I needed. I know there is more to learn, but I will get there. Something T said to me while we were talking about how he treated S. differently than me after I was gone, why she didn't have such horrible stories like I did and T looked at me and said: "He was always afraid of scaring her off like he did you and he saw in her what he saw in you" I just didn't know what to say. If that's really how he felt, why in the hell couldn't he say that once? Just once? But then again, why couldn't I just stand up for myself and tell him to shut the hell up?

So much of who I am now is because of that period of time, so much of who I aspire to be came out of that time period. So much good and so much bad all wrapped up in 5 years of my life, how does one process that? I'm getting there and I feel better than I have in years, but there are times I still get riled up about it. Oh well, time will heal the wounds.

So anyway, besides all of that the last week has just been insane. Every night I was either working, or working. I worked a lot at Wendy's last week, the one night I had off during the week I had a meeting to attend (my last one) and cleaning of the annex, so I still didn't get home until nearly midnight. I was so exhausted, and I was busy all week so it only compounded the feeling of despair by the end of the week and I was so happy when it was over. I had a good week sales wise, and hope the trend continues, I feel good about the progress of the building and I actually found myself asking myself this week: "Can I see myself seeing this store through to the end of the mortgage?" Now keep in mind that's nearly 17 more years. I was actually astonished that I thought about that, after the last six months of wishing I could drop the place and run like hell. I still don't know what's going to happen in the future.

To be honest the future tires me, and I find myself trying to stop thinking about the future and worry about the right here and right now. It seems to help me a bit to keep my mind focused on what I need to get done here right now, so I'm going to ride this wave for awhile. When I'm supposed to be done here I'll move on, but for now I have to concentrate on what has to be done now. The last six months have been filled with the "grass is always greener" syndrome and I just can't take it anymore. Always questioning and wondering is enough to drive a man insane!

So Saturday finally came along and I was feeling good about myself, my store and my life. The neighbors spent quite a bit of time over here on Saturday and made me feel good, they are such great people, have I mentioned before that I love my neighbors? To make things even better F came up to visit too, I've missed F. We don't get to visit much anymore so I was very happy he spent some time up here with me. Then after I closed we went next door and continued our good times at their house. I got home and fell asleep in my chair. I woke up about 6am with a neck soarer than I have ever had. I took some tylenol and went to my bedroom and crashed.

I got up today and went to lunch with my rents and g-ma and my aunt. My poor aunt who has lost her husband and had to fight cancer by herself in the last 12 months decided to move back to Ohio. She has bought a house and was going to return to NJ to finish packing and getting things done on that end, and on her way out to her van to leave she fell and broke her ankle. So she is here for several more weeks, and was has surprised her is she is suddenly feeling home sick for her home in New Jersey. I don't think she was expecting that. She's always talked about coming home, but now that she is I think she's getting cold feet. I think she's now suffering from the "grass is always greener" syndrome I myself just battled with. She's a trooper and she's going to get through this, I know she will.

So why is it that damn syndrome hits people so hard? Why is it we just can't make our decisions and stick to them and feel good about them? I guess it's just human nature to always wonder what the other side is like, the what if's in life. I see it everyday and just don't know the answer or the antidote for the situation. When will it ever be enough? I battle with it because I think a lot of it is the idea or the feeling of achieving goals, reaching higher. Without goals or ambition, what's the point of living? What are we doing besides just taking up space? To be a better friend, to be successful, to experience new things, to reach for the stars, and to help, to serve, to whatever!

I'm sitting here just thinking that for once, for right now, this moment, this second of my short life......I'm good.......I'm happy......but I know that sometime in the next 24 hours I will change my mind again, and something will be different, something will drive me to a different thought, to a different idea, or a different dream. So for now, I'm going to enjoy it and end this on a high note. :)

2 comments:

  1. hooray for high notes!
    I missed you last week, but I'm glad the sales were good.
    Muah!

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  2. I am still reading! I find it hard to find the time to post comments. I am babysitting for three children now on top of my three. I am always busy!!! :o)

    My great grandma had the grass is greener thing too. She moved in with my grandparents and back to her hometown something like three times before she became happy once and all with them. When you lose a spouse you lose half of your life. It is hard to adjust to the missing half.

    YAY on your sales!!!!

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