Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ah yes, another week

Yes, it's another week, filled with wonderment, craziness and exhaustion; and it's only Tuesday. :)

So this weekend was pretty normal. Friday night I went next door for a bar-b-que for the neighbor's birthday. It was a beautiful night, it was great weather, we sat outside and enjoyed the new fire pit and had a few adult beverages. We were up until nearly 1am talking religion. I learned more about the Jahova's witnesses (spelling doesn't count) and it was really good to see another view point. To me it's these other view points that can help strengthen my own, answer questions, or help me ask the right ones. I always had problems trying to think of the Holy Trinity being three in one, but now I think I get it, it felt good.

But anyway, on Saturday I worked, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I'll be happy when someday I can get out of there. I would just rather enjoy my weekends than have to work all the time, it gets old and I'm getting tired. After working job #2 I had to stop in and check up on job #3. The place wasn't a mess so I did what I had to and then came home to work on job #4. Finally about 3am I finally crashed.

Sunday I had dinner with the rents, went shopping for a few supplies to be able to finish this new kitchen of mine, met with my aunt to talk about the design of her pool cabana she wants to build, then went to supper with a friend, went to look at a new freezer (I should be picking up today, and not new, but new to me) and then finally got home to work more on job #4. Somedays I don't know which end is up and always have problems figuring out a priority list. I'm trying to fit ME into the priority list but I always seem to fall behind things like work, family and friends, and yet I spend most of my days feeling selfish, what is wrong with me? :)

So anyway, this weekend is the big 2-9-b. I mentioned to S the other day I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis, and if that's true, I'm not going to be living very long, and that's just sad. I just feel like the first thirty years have slipped by me. Why is it I can't just say that I'm happy with where I am right now? Why can't I think I've achieved anything? I've lived on my own for a better part of 13 years, made my own decisions, I got a great degree with a good grade point average, I have traveled more than many people ever do in a life time and yet here I am feeling sorry for myself thinking my life is over? What is up with that?

Someone asked the other day that if I was really ready to leave this place behind, what would I do next? And I honestly can't say right now. I really don't know. If I could get the financial end of this business to support me and I had time to do the things I wanted to do, I'm not sure I would be so unhappy. But today for instance I felt like a caged rat. I experience the great weather through the windows, or the distance from my car to the buildings at my various jobs, that's it. There are a few times like Friday where I really get to enjoy sitting outside and having a good time, I love the outdoors, I love to camp, and all the fun stuff, and yet I've gotten to do none of that since I bought this place, it makes me so sad.

As for what is happening for the big day this week, I'm not even sure anymore. I have to work all day Saturday, which is sad enough, and now I'm not sure if any of the plans are going to pan out. If I end up home alone on my birthday I'm going to be so sad, I'll probably drink myself into oblivion. My birthday has not been a big deal for longer than I can remember. I try to convince myself it's just another day, but then I'll be planning someone else a party, or doing something special for someone else's birthday and I begin to think, hmmm....what about mine?

What a whiner I am. :) But isn't this what a blog is for, to get these thoughts out of your head before they drive you crazy? yeah that's what I thought. :) I'm not sure what the big deal about turning 29b is, but for some reason it really is a big deal, I feel so much older than other years, how do I make it go away, or how do I make myself see the things I've done with my life are enough to feel like I've accomplished thins? That I've traveled as far as my budget would carry me.

I'm just not sure about this whole thing, but I'll take it in stride, just as well as I do everything else so have no fear!!

Well anyway, I'm going to end this now because I'm tired and having a hard time typing to keep up with my mind, so later all!

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