Thursday, February 10, 2011

a cheater post

I call it a cheater post because I want to repost my roommies blog because so much of it rings true to me at this point.

from study in Contradiction:

Lately I've felt totally incapable of human interaction. But I also recognize the giant red flag that is my constant withdrawing from human contact and any form of community.
So color me.....caught..... when our small group winter term launches and I begin looking for the safe bet of a learning group.
I feel comfortable and safe in a learning group. There's a defined topic of conversation and I can "brace" myself for the community that happens there.
It all sounds so sexy doesn't it?

Because sometimes I need to prepare for community. To make sure that all my ragged edges and ugly is contained and neatly tucked away in the darkest part of my heart. Which...yes, I realize is the opposite of what the actual point of community is but whatevs.

There's this standing apart I feel when I go to learning groups. I can cover myself in learning and studying that while on the surface it seems like I connect with others I don't really. I get to be the sometimes serious but mostly joking/ice breaking person. No one pushes this on me, it's my comfort zone.

But connecting groups. UGH. There is an open end of conversation, there is no one focus for the group other than connecting and having fun.
I mean, I'm sure they're awesome. I hear they're awesome. But I get so stressed about it because how do I plan witty things to say?! How do I know how to behave so I won't be the weird awkward girl?! What if I have to ask where the BATHROOM is?! ........

Those are a few sections of the blog, I didn't want to take them all because they didn't all pertain to me, but the idea is there. I feel like I've been a bit withdrawn lately, it seems the more I want the feeling of community the more I shy away from it. The more I say I'm ready for love, the more I withdraw away from anything and anyone that could lead to love. I'm not sure what it is about me and pulling the trigger on some areas of my life, but it's just who I am. I have spurts of confidence, moments of clarity where I am really myself striking up conversations with random strangers, but for the most part I curl up into a ball or fade into the surroundings hoping to be forgotten about and not noticed.

I'm just weird I guess. Just looking around to find a community I can feel comfortable in. I don't know where the thoughts are taking me or where this will all end up, but I feel like God is molding me slowly for the future.

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