Monday, February 14, 2011

Simmering on the back burner

So there has been a topic on my mind quite a bit lately. I keep pushing it to the back burner to simmer and conjure up some more thoughts and maybe even an action plan. It's so heavy though that I can't look directly at it as one whole piece, I really need to break it up otherwise I get so overwhelmed I lose all hope.

The big topic is this: "What's it all about?"

We got a new manager at work who is trying to settle in and trying to find ways to motivate us and so she sent out an email with a suggestion. Bring in a picture of the reason you get out of bed in the morning. A picture of your kids, your husband or wife, your boyfriend/girl friend, etc... It's a good tool, it's a way to get us to personalize our spaces. Most people look like they live in their cubes already....except me. I have nothing personal at my cube, nothing personal in the drawers, just nothing personal. It really made me sit down and think....What is it that gets me out of bed in the morning? My first thoughts: my alarm, my need to feel useful in society, my obligation to my job.....things like that.

It struck me as sad and pathetic and it's really been getting to me. It's not that I don't love my friends, it's not that I don't love my family, it's not that I don't love myself, but really, why is it I get out of bed everyday? What kind of picture can I put on my desk to represent why I get out of bed?

Saturday I went out with a good friend of mine and his brother and we had a discussion about some of their old neighbors and how so many of them worked for the weekend. They would come home day after day and sit in front of the t.v. and not do anything with their lives until the weekend when there was just other t.v. to watch or chores to get done outside. It dawned on me that I don't even live for the weekends because I don't do much then either.

It has continued to bother me. What exactly do I do everyday with my time? I get up, I go to work, I come home, have a meal and then watch t.v. until I feel it's appropriate to go to bed. Then I get up and do it all over again the next day. At work I sit there not talking to anyone around me because there isn't time to. I talk to people on the phone trying to sound interested when really these people are just calling to place the blame for their problems on someone else.

It really all is so drab and depressing when I think about it too much. I have long abandoned reading although I want to get myself to start reading more. I long abandoned any hobbies I once had. I just don't know what to do with myself so I end up watching t.v. and waiting to go to bed. Only I have the power to change it. Only I can convince myself to get off my butt and do something, but what? What is it I want to do? What is it that would keep me driven in my life? Where did my passion go?
Publish Post

Maybe it's temporary, but it feels like an epidemic. I'm not sure where to go with it, I'm not sure how to fix it yet, I don't even know where to start. Maybe this post was the start? Maybe putting these thoughts into words and making myself see them on the screen is the first step in fixing this situation. Or then again, maybe that's why it's on the back burner, to simmer it until all that is left is the solution.

So let me ask a question: Why do you get out of bed every morning? What keeps you going? Do you live for the weekend or how to do you try to live each day?


  1. This is actually the reason I got Gertrude. (Agnes I got for Gertrude to have a playmate...which seems to have backfired :) )
    It's also the reason I started serving in outreach at church. Because without work or church on Sunday I had no reason to get up or leave the apartment.
    It was scary for a little bit too, like...what's the point of carrying on scary.
    But then Gertrude, the bitchy little vixen came along...which makes me want to go home and cuddle her not feeling well self :(

  2. Yeah, um...

    I'll have to get back to you on that one.