Thursday, May 22, 2008

A lot of firsts

O.K. it's been a week of firsts for me, I would love to post this on my other blog, but there are things I don't want people to identify me with, a part of me feels ashamed, but another part of me is o.k. with it all.

No I didn't turn into a man whore over night (although in other circumstances......) This past week I went golfing for the first time, which wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. 31 years and I had never gone golfing, it was a good time and I really enjoyed it.

I drove a golf cart for the first time. I have ridden in them before but the people I was with enjoyed driving it so much I just let them, it meant more to them than it did to me at the time. It seems so silly, but there are so many simple things I've never experienced.

Tonight for the first time I got talked into a go-cart. I've never driven one because my size has always shyed me away from things like this, but tonight I did it. I had a blast. Things like this are so simple......and yet brought me such joy.

The other first I had this week is one that will bring general disappointment from a certain person that reads this blog. Friday night was the first time I tried pot. I'm 31 and I had never done anything like it, I never let myself do anything like that. At that moment I caved, I let go of everything I thought about myself and lived in the moment. I have been thinking about it for years, and I thought I would be so riddled with guilt, but you know what? I'm glad I tried it. I don't feel bad like I thought I would, I only feel like I've let a few others down.

It's not anything I would make a life of, not something I would do everyday, but at that moment, I just felt as if I wanted to. No one pressured me, no one forced me, it was an adult decision. At that moment I felt like I stepped out of my skin, not after the pot but as I reached for it. I felt like I was finally being crazy and wild, like it was supposed to fill some void in my life. It didn't fill that void, a part of me never thought it would, but I'm glad I tried it, I can say I tried it and the only thing that came from it was my thighs tingled. How weird huh? Sounds pretty perverted, and to be honest, when I told the people around me that, it was partly fueled by perverse thoughts, but hey, I'm a 31 year old single guy, what isn't perverse?

Anyway, I'm getting tired now, this blog probably made no sense, but I had to say it and alcohol helps me say the things I don't normally say.

I hope the person out there that I feel would be disappointed by me for this can see past it.

1 comment:

  1. My love for you is unconditional, besides you shouldn't exactly be living your life to make me happy I suppose.
    But pot? I get that it's a socially acceptable drug, but POT?
    I know so many people who only recreationally smoked up and it RUINED their lives and many important relationships. My relationship with John ended because of POT.

    Escapism is not a solution. Whether it is with alcohol of pot, food, or nicotene. I struggle with all of those (except pot).
    I don't even really know what to say, I'm not going to say it all here for certain.
    But regardless of conversations to come dear...I love you, that isn't changing, it is without condition. But with that love will come me wanting the best for you and even the most casual use of illegal drugs is NOT what's best.