Thursday, May 29, 2008

When did you decide you were gay?

Please do me a favor, anyone who reads this......Don't EVER ask a gay person this question. Why do I bring this up at a time I should be studying my ass off?

This was brought up recently in a few blogs I've been reading and an online conversation I had. I did not just one day to up and decide I was gay, there was a point in my life when I finally accepted it, that's how it happened for me. Some know from birth, others don't figure it out until later in life, and some, like me, know the whole time but struggle and fight the idea until it's just too strong to turn from.

As far back as I can remember I've always felt this way. While boys in grade school were talking about girls having cooties, I firmly believed it and I guess it never went away. I have always admired the same sex. I have been thinking back as far back as I can and even in elementary school I could tell you who the hotties were, back then I couldn't have told you they were hot, I would have said cute, well quite honestly I knew back then how bad that was so I wouldn't have said anything, but you get the point.

I've looked back to all my memories, back to where I was old enough to remember stuff and it's always been there. In retrospect at several points in my life I should have accepted it, but it wasn't until much later when society it self started to accept that a large portion of their population was gay. Growing up in the town/neighborhood/family I did, I NEVER could have said something like that, even now, even as society has accepted it more and more, I still find myself in this little town with the same people making the same remarks they did back then. It's as if time has stood still in this little town. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever have the courage to come out to these people.

When people started questioning my tendencies, noticing a few stereo types I was falling into and the questions started pouring out, I had decided it was time to do something. That's when I became infatuated with the unattainable. This would leave me a safe distance from the questions, I was still alone because I can't get my mind off of so and so, and we all know that's not going to happen.... you get the point. When the unattainable became attainable I struggled with it, I struggled with what I was supposed to do and turned out, I figured out I really loved her.

Now, keep in mind, it was not easy. **Warning, if you don't want to think of me this way skip to the next paragraph*** I held out for quite awhile, she was getting pushy and I was nervous as could be, for so many reasons. I enjoyed the kissing, the making out, and the many other activities we did, but when it came right down to intercourse, it was just not my thing. I was bad, even after time I wasn't that good (did I just admit that?) I knew she was unhappy and disappointed, and to be honest I started making up excuses for us not to, which she went with pretty easily. At that point our relationship started going down hill, I no longer felt comfortable with her and knew it should be opposite. She was beautiful, but it's not how I loved her, or any woman for that matter.

I just couldn't accept the fact, I told myself if I couldn't make this work I would be single for the rest of my life and blame her. You know what? It's worked so far. But after Danny and after G I finally accepted who I was this whole time. I had no experiences to tell me I like guys, I just always knew in my head, it just takes awhile to accept it. Now that the "still stuck on the one that got away" excuse no longer works, I use my work, or my weight or whatever I can when I need to. I know there are a few out there that know the truth deep down, but either A. don't want to hear it, or B. just want me to say it out loud. Either way I'm still here in my closet, I've got one foot out and the rest of me inside.

I guess there was no real reason for this blog, I just had to say some of these things and beg people to watch how they phrase questions. :)

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