Monday, November 17, 2008

Am I really that bad?

O.K. so last night I met Joe. Joe is a really nice guy, stocky build, but cute as all get out. The gaydar was flying off the handle and for once I flirted. Not obvious in your face flirting, but enough that a certain someone made a comment about it, but not enough for the oblivious straight guys to notice, and nothing, no reaction, nothing.

Am I a bad flirt? Was he not interested, or was he just oblivious to it as well? There was time to make a comment away from heteroworld, time to tell me to back off or not interested, or something. I realize it's not the most convenient place to flirt or to respond, but I always instantly revert back to my stand by "he's not interested, I'm ugly, I'm too fat, blah blah blah"

Or am I oblivious to the flirting, could he have been flirting with me and I didn't notice? I am also pretty oblivious to it. But I think the other certain someone with me would have commented on it.

He was just so cute, caring and funny. He had a sway in his walk I enjoyed, and was just too damn cute, did I say that already? Not saying it would have led to happy ever after, but for once, once I put myself out there a bit and didn't feel like a social reject....well until now apparently. lol.

It felt good to take that step, to talk to someone I didn't know, to try to let them know I was interested.....and I was sober. Why am I still trapped in this land of heterosexuality? Where everyone is afraid to say what they mean and who they really are for fear of being found out? How am I still here? The timing in my life sucks bad.

But I tried.

It's a step.

And I'm only torturing myself a little.

I'll get there.



  1. Honey, I don't mean to be the person walking around naked in a glass house or anything, but I think you might be overanalyzing.
    Also, I wouldn't be able to tell if someone was hitting on me unless they actually hit me. You realize you might not be the only one that's insecure and unsure about these things. As cute as you think this boy was, he might not think that about himself and therefore not think that anyone would hit on him at all.

    Just some food for thought dear. That and you're so sexy you're too sexy.

    no! is TOO sexy!

  2. I know it was a totally over analyzing, it was a brief meeting. It was more the idea that I put myself out there, I really didn't over analyze until I went to post, then I got over it. ;)

    Besides, it's just laying ground work lol. I flirted some more today when he stopped in the business for the first time ever. :)

  3. Like ellenjane said, just because you think he's cute doesn't mean HE thinks he's cute. TRUST ME on this one. I've got some experience in that field. :-) I think I'm in love with the most insecure person on the planet!

    But anyway ... I'm proud of your for taking a step forward. NOT an easy thing to do.


  4. I'm kinda with the other two on this one. Re-read your post, and switch roles with Joe. You might be surprised.