O.K. so last night I met Joe. Joe is a really nice guy, stocky build, but cute as all get out. The gaydar was flying off the handle and for once I flirted. Not obvious in your face flirting, but enough that a certain someone made a comment about it, but not enough for the oblivious straight guys to notice, and nothing, no reaction, nothing.
Am I a bad flirt? Was he not interested, or was he just oblivious to it as well? There was time to make a comment away from heteroworld, time to tell me to back off or not interested, or something. I realize it's not the most convenient place to flirt or to respond, but I always instantly revert back to my stand by "he's not interested, I'm ugly, I'm too fat, blah blah blah"
Or am I oblivious to the flirting, could he have been flirting with me and I didn't notice? I am also pretty oblivious to it. But I think the other certain someone with me would have commented on it.
He was just so cute, caring and funny. He had a sway in his walk I enjoyed, and was just too damn cute, did I say that already? Not saying it would have led to happy ever after, but for once, once I put myself out there a bit and didn't feel like a social reject....well until now apparently. lol.
It felt good to take that step, to talk to someone I didn't know, to try to let them know I was interested.....and I was sober. Why am I still trapped in this land of heterosexuality? Where everyone is afraid to say what they mean and who they really are for fear of being found out? How am I still here? The timing in my life sucks bad.
But I tried.
It's a step.
And I'm only torturing myself a little.
I'll get there.