Monday, July 21, 2008

pyscological or real?

So I've been a very grumpy person the last week or so, and I'm starting to wonder:

Is the frame of mind, just that? A frame of mind? Is it possible to completely reverse your mood without the addition of alcohol or medicine? I've come to grips with my anxiety disorder, that it truly is a chemical thing, but the depression I've been suffering as of late, is that just me not allowing myself to get out of it? Do I find it easier to just wallow in it instead of fighting it and burying it deep inside? I just don't know.

I meet happy and cheery people throughout the day and I wonder, are they like that all the time? If there life is falling apart at the seems, do they react? Or do they bury it to deal with when they are alone? I find it hard to do that. I pretty much will wear most of my heart on my sleeve, when I'm sad you can tell, when I'm happy you can tell, and so on and so forth. I try to not bottle too much in because I did that for so many years I found it to be unhealthy. But can a person come to a point where they get tired of being depressed all the time, or pissed off or filled with rage that they can turn that inside out and portray happiness? And another question, Is it healthy if the other party does not realize how they are being?

If I could find a way to focus on anything other than what I have I would do it. Is there a course in how to hide what's going on and just be chipper? I hate to lie to my customers, if they as how things are going I tell them: Not good. I don't want them to think that things are hunky dory, and then one day I'm closed and no one has any idea why, I want people to know that if they don't support me, they'll lose me. I have tried to get through to people to find out what they want in the store, but no one ever answers me. They love to talk about it at the local breakfast hang out and pretend they know more than the guy sitting next to them.

I just feel like I can't get any lower, and then my sister come's in this weekend to do the books and makes a statement that took me off guard. She says:
"You know this week I realized something....I am the same age you were when bought the store....I'm going to be 28 living with my parents and do nothing, while you were 28, just left a great paying shitty job, you own and operate your own business and are always out finding something to do, how sad does that make me look?"

I guess I never really think about it like that. It made me look at it from some other point of view, but at the same time I don't ever think like that. I think everyone has their own paths, and everyone is comfortable doing something different. I have friends that went to college and loved it and are doing well because of it, and I have friends that didn't leave and are living a good life. I don't see one as better than the other, I just feel everyone does their own thing. I don't feel like owning my own business is much to think about when I'm doing worse now than I was in my good paying shitty job in Michigan. I just have a hard time seeing it as anything but what it is, a failure that I can't seem to get unraveled from. Free has stated several times that even if it doesn't work out, at least I tried. I have a hard time seeing it that way as it seems every major decision I have made has turned out bad.

I've been trying to see it more as constant adventure, and as much as I tell myself I fear big change, there's a part of me that lives for it. Moving to new cities, making new friends, trying new careers. Perhaps this is the journey I needed to take in order to figure out where I should be and what I should be doing. Is it society telling me I'm too old not to know right now? Or am I really at the age I should be settling down? I just don't know.

The store is just constant problems it seems, every time I think it's going well some other three things go wrong that put me into a downward spiral that never feels like it can be reversed. I'm tired of bitching, I really am, and yet most days that's all that comes out when I open my mouth! I either need more sun, or maybe new meds. :)

But these are the tings running through my head as of late, so I thouht I would share them with you, I know, try to hold back the excitment.


  1. Please remember that the content of your bank account is not the sum of your worth. No amount of money could replace the friendship that we have, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, or even one of 100 of people that feel the same way.

  2. I AM excited you share your thoughts! Even if you feel like you're being a bit of a "downer", I am happy when you post! For one thing it satisfies my cravings for more, more, more.

    More importantly, we think so much alike at times (it seems) that I'm confident getting it out is good for you in some way.

    If every time you post here, you get an "I love you" from the Divine Ms. B., then that's reason enough right there.

    I think your sister made a good point. You took a dream and ran with it!!! It's also good to see through the eyes of someone who it on the outside looking in from time to time. A fresh perspective on something that's wearing you down is sometimes all you need to get you through. I'm not saying the store will suddenly become a cash cow because your sister gave you insight. I'm just saying.. well, I don't know.

    As far as how to make yourself stop feeling depressed, or at least stop acting that way on the outside.... Let me know if you ever get a good answer to all that.

    Just remember that depression can be a chemical thing sometimes, too.

    I'm rambling... and I've got a mountain of chores to do...

    Stay strong Pete.

  3. You can't fail if you never try.
    Failing is a lesson.
    A lesson is for learning.

    Ahhh crap! I sound like one of those inspirational speaker people I hate.

    I understand feeling like life sucks. I understand feeling like you can't get out from under everything that piles up every day.

    But, we can't moving on don't we? Remember, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.

    Yeah, I better end this random comment before I start singing.... but... one thing you should know... is
    You are not alone
    I am here with you
    Though we're far apart
    You're always in my heart.

    well, so much for not singing.