I haven't blogged in a bit because last week was just a roller coaster of emotion, I really should be medicated I think. I couldn't bring myself to blog because it was nothing but negative, I was surrounded all week by negative energy, and I'm starting to feel like I've gotten the shell cracked and am hopefully going to break through it and get through it.
A topic was sparked in my brain because of the blog I read on Picture Perfect, sometime I'll have to link to all these blogs I read, I always find them interesting. But the poster was talking about his most recent coming out, to a cousin of his. It's not the story, or coming out that triggered any of it, but it was his discussion about how he didn't feel any better afterwards. There were also a couple of comments people left that stuck in my mind. I guess I hope I never experience that. The people that I've come out to have handled it well and the experience has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. Yes there are a couple I feel awkward about it with and I'm not sure why, but the feeling I can relate to is for some reason feeling ashamed.
One of the comments left at PP was asking about why it's such a big deal to tell people, straight people don't have to announce to their families that they are attracted to the opposite sex, but I guess society has a lot to do with that. You only have to announce things when you go "against the grain of society" I guess, whatever that means. But what I noticed the other day after I told C that I was gay was I felt ashamed, like I didn't want to discuss it loudly because her son was in the other room, and I didn't want him to know. As I drove home that night I was wondering why I feel that way, why can't I just say it and feel better and not have to worry. Why I wonder? Oh yeah, it's the 30 years of suppression and secrets, I guess that is hard to get over and get through.
I guess it's the stigma that goes along with being gay. Sometimes I think they look at me waiting for me to throw sparkles in my hair, speak with a lisp and go to the disco. That is a ton of old stereo types still floating around in my head haunting me, but I do wonder sometimes if that has changed how they look at me, or how they think of me. My coming out to C was no great production, I had been trying to find a time to tell her, but nothing seemed right, so when I was over there the other night and under the influence I just came out and said it. I figured she knew, she lives with F and honestly, she can read me better than most. I did enjoy making some comments I've always wanted to say and I think she's getting a kick out of them. It's nice to be able to say things I usually say in my head, it makes making conversation easier. It's not that I have huge problems holding a good conversation, but there are times when I get lost in my head because there are things I'm saying.....just not out loud. Some would call me a freak. ;)
So my "coming out" score card tallied so far is 5 people. How sad, and yet just telling those 5 people has lightened the load on my shoulders, granted it only made room for other stuff, but it cleared it for a little while at least. I'm not sure what will happen in the future, most days I don't know whats happening while it's happening! I just sometimes sit with the people around me and wonder what it would be like if they knew, if they would act differently.
The other thing I ponder is why is this such a huge deal? Why do people care that much? They didn't seem to care at all when I dated women. For some reason guys are just so paranoid that if they are around a gay person that they are just so hot that any man would jump their bones, when really some of the guys that worry, really have NOTHING to worry about. When will they understand that if you're straight it doesn't effect you at all, if you're curious yourself, it's more about you scared of temptation. That's why I laugh about some of it, I think many of these guys are homophobic because they are afraid of themselves, oh well. If you're not into men, why would I chase after you?
Wow, my mind is so random at times, it's no wonder I don't feel like I write a good blog, I can't seem to focus on one issue at a time, but oh well, this is my blog. Don't like? Don't read it. ;)
Anyway, guess I don't have any else left on my mind, guess I'll end it......the blog that is.