Monday, January 24, 2011

Shame

I was standing outside of church the other day smoking a cigarette waiting on the boys to pick me up and suddenly was confronted with shame. Not shame by other people but suddenly I felt personally shameful for smoking. I don't know why because it's a legal substance, I was out of the way, away from other people. No one said anything to me, no one looked at me funny, I just felt ashamed and I didn't understand why. I know much of it is what society tells you, what society instills in us.

At one time smoking was expected. Everyone smoked on t.v., on airplanes, in schools, it was just the norm. I know the health risks, it's not like no one every talks about the health risks, I just get annoyed when I feel ashamed.

I also feel ashamed when I go into a restaurant as a fat person. I feel like all eyes are on me judging me for eating in general because I have enough fat on my body to sustain me for months before I would starve. It's times like this that I try to blend into the back ground, there have been times I order a salad because I feel they won't judge me as much, times I change my order so I don't have the biggest meal at the table. Internally I change so much based on what I think others are thinking if they look at me. I know how crazy it sounds, but it's what goes on in my head.

I have let other people tell me for so long that it's shameful to be so fat, it's shameful to smoke, I should be ashamed for enjoying drag shows and going to gay bars and for being gay. I'm shocked at how much shame washes over me at different times. Not even by anyone saying anything, not by anyone looking at me, or anything, just my own mind telling me what a shameful life I live.

I've decided I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of hiding behind these internal walls I've built over so many years. I'm picking some of these scars like a crazy person because I'm ready for them to bleed, I'm ready to bleed out the infection that is inside. I want my blood to flow clean, for my mind to flow freely and to stop thinking that everything I am is wrong. I'm over thinking that everything in my life should be a secret, or be hidden from certain people.

The question of the day is....If I'm so ready to let it all go and just be who I am and really love myself for everything I am and everything I do....then why oh why am I so terrified of it all?

I guess I'm just not as ready to live it as I am ready to write it.

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