Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The contradiction of change

I love change, don't get me wrong. I enjoy moving furniture a lot, I enjoy breaking out of ruts, I enjoy moving (well not the actual moving part), I enjoy so much about change. The new scenery, the new people, the new everything. I get so lost in the euporhia of the change it isn't until I'm knee deep into it that I realize just how terrifying it is.

When I first decided to move to Michigan, I had my mind set, there was just not stopping me. I wanted to go back to school, and I just kept pushing forward without even thinking of it too much. Day after day, decision after decision I just kept moving forward. It wasn't until I had moved my stuff and my parents had gone away and I was driving around trying to find different things in the are when I completly fell apart and wondered what in the hell I thought I was doing. I remember sitting in my car balling because I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know anyone, I didn't know where anything was, I knew nothing about what I was doing and it terrified me to no end. I pulled myself together to figure it out, but I was a bit of a mess for awhile, not on the outside, but inside I was filled with doubt and anxiety.

When I interviewed this past summer for the position I currently have, they described the job to me, the told me what to expect, I checked the place out, got the tour and everything. I was sure I could do it, I was sure it would be perfect (I know, I hadn't figured out there is no such thing as perfection lol). The further we got into training the more I overwhelmed I got. Actually within the first day my head was spinning from being so overwhelmed. Even today I get nautious sometimes as I fight my way through learning so much so quickly and accepting the fact that I don't know everything. This job is nothing, and I mean NOTHING like anything else I've ever done in my life and it's changed so much I'm still having a hard time adjusting, even after 2 months +.

Recently in the last two weeks I have joined a gym and gotten a smart phone. Now keep in mind my last cell phone didn't even have a camera on it. My last phone I had only had for the 6 months or so, before that it had been just over 4 years since I had a cell phone. I used to think I was pretty hot stuff when it came to cell phones. I knew the tricks, I had the tips, and I had the smarts to do nearly anything I needed to with any phone. Sometime around the time the palms came out I lost track and before I knew it people were surfing the internet on the phone....really? I remember when I was in COLLEGE and I had a hard time finding anyone I knew with an "e-mail" account to correspond with for my computer class, and now people are surfing the net on their cell phones? Seriously I was so overwhelmed I kind of just shook my head and agreed with whatever the roommate thought was best.

Price I knew I could follow and make decisions based on price, but as far as the type and capabilities of the phones? yeah, I had no clue. From the moment the salesman handed me my new phone until now I am still so confused by the thing. There are some of the most basic functions that I'm still working on learning about, you know, like how to make a call. lol. The internet I've got, and for the most part the thing is pretty easy to figure out, but I'm just saying. The phone is totally smarter than I am. I know that I have only begun to tap into the smartness of this phone and it makes me feel so stupid. I love it, but yet I am/was so terrified and clueless!

The other big one has been the gym. I have never joined a gym before for countless reasons I can't even begin to cover at the moment, but I decided that with two of us doing this it would be a good time to do it. Touring the gym and every moment since thinking about actually moving forward with this plan has been so overwhelming. The machines are one thing, working out in front of strangers is one thing, learning what work out does what, learning what to strengthen, what to build, I'm so confused and so completely overwhelmed not only by the gym jargin, but mainly by the idea of actually having to do some pretty hard work going forward.

It's the idea of committing to myself, committing to putting in some really hard work for myself, for my health, for my future, and because I owe it to myself to finally care. I'm overwhelmed at the time it's going to take and the work that is required to get me where I want to be, where I want to go. Making this commitment of time, and energy, it's just crazy to think about!

I love change, but it's so terrifying at the same time. It involves grownup conversations, grown up commitments, and so much more. My head has been swirling for a couple of weeks now with so much going on and so much changing it's been hard to wrap my head around. I seem to be losing myself in the mix and it makes me question whether that is even a bad thing?.? I was so unhappy with who I used to be, that maybe leaving that person behind could be just what I need, and yet I freeze in an anxiety attack state when confronted by the change. I always talk about being ready for something new, something exciting and yet it creates such a feeling of anxiety, you know, like a panic attack? j/k.

I try to act like I have it all together, I try to let people think that it's no big deal and yet inside of my head it's a bigger deal than anyone else could possibly consider it, even when blowing it out of proportion, it can't hold a match to the craziness that's created inside of my head. lol. Nothing based on reason, logic or even clear thought, just pure random craziness. Yes, it's all right there just behind my eyes, the only thing bouncing around my two ears is a padded room of crazy. ;) But I guess that's what makes me so much fun.

I am ready for change, I have been putting this into motion for so long, I am going to do it, I'm going to survive, part of this change is accepting the newness of the changes and moving forward with confidence, or at least moving forward under my own free will would be a nice start. Maybe the confidence can come later.....maybe?

Life is good and it keeps moving forward in such a good direction. I'm enjoying the ride, I really am, as long as I can keep that anxiety inside everyone around me will survive this as well. ;)


  1. First of all, I am SO very proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone in so many ways this past year!

    We've both shared enough together that you and I know we share a lot of the same, umm... "baggage". This is another post that fits me to a "T", right now, today. May we both have the courage and strength...

    Then again, enlisting B as your own personal "motivator" will help, I'm sure...

    Love and miss ya!

  2. Um, dude. You have changed A LOT about your life. And it's ok to completely freak out. I promise.
    I'll just do like I did the day after you moved in and told me your "brilliant" two week plan. I'll verbally bitch slap you and we'll all move on.

    My favorite thing about having you for a roomie? The fact that occasionally we both try to apply logic to the others crazy and then burst out laughing about it.

    You can do it, and you will be fine. Don't lose all of yourself, but it's ok to let the unhappy hidden and closeted parts of you go, I promise.