Thursday, January 20, 2011

I gotta be me.

During my funk last week I really got to thinking about a lot of things and one of those things was a comment I heard at my celebration dinner. I remember Jake making a statement about me finding myself. I remember at the time all I could think was that I had found myself and that's what brought me here. But lately I've realized that I really have no idea who I am.

So I started to wonder what it was to be who you are? Who am I? My roommate reminded me during a conversation that everything I was before was so measured and thought out because of the oppression of a crazy work schedule, the oppression of being in the closet, the fear of being found out, and I figured out it really did have a huge affect on who I am and who I thought I was.

The thought alone drove me crazy and blew my mind. It was really part of my funk, and I was surprised I had never noticed it. I stopped working my second job for only a week and was already confronted with this overwhelming feeling of being lost. I finally had the time to sit and think about life and what my life was or what it's meant to be without all the extra hours, without all the fear and stress. I realized I have no idea who I am.

Removing myself from much of the stress and situations I have gone a bit over board with a few things. Putting pictures of half naked men on my computer felt like an accomplishment. Commenting on men I thought were hot felt weird to say out loud, but it felt freeing so I made those comments, a lot. Is it who I am? I'm not sure. It's all an adjustment period, but it's a period where I start to think about who I am and where I feel my life should be going.

Do I want to be a slut? Kind of yes, but it's really not in my blood or my heart. lol. I do want to find love, but I feel like I need to date in order to find that love. Novel idea don't you think? What do I enjoy doing with my free time? I spend an awful lot of time watching t.v. and I really need to start rethinking that plan. I need to get motivated and start working on my time management. I have a hard time thinking it's o.k. to sit still for too long. Not so much because of other people, but because of me.

I'm in a new town and starting to make a new life for myself. It's a hot mess in my mind right now thinking about all of this. I think I need to sort it out and work on each item individually. I need to straighten out my finances which is what I have started working on. I have some old debts that need to be paid and I need to start planning for a future. The one thing I haven't had in a long time is financial security. If something were to happen I have nothing of my own to fall back on and I need to fix that.

One of the other things I need to sort out is a church home. Don't get me wrong, I love attending B's church. The people are wonderful, the sermons are great, it really is a great church and I do enjoy my time there, but honestly I don't feel at home there. Some would think I just haven't spent enough time there, but honestly I'm just not getting out of it what I think I should be. I am really searching for a church similar to what I experienced at Franklin Circle when I visited Cleveland. It's so hard to explain to anyone else how different it feels than any other church, but a few would know just by hearing me talk about it.

There is just so much I want to experience and I need to grab this life by the horns and start working on that. My social life is something I want to work on too. I love nights at home watching t.v. and laughing with my rommate but some nights I need to get out of the house and talk to people, see things, and experience life. I do know that spending quality time with people I love, resting at home and quiet nights are part of life too, I just seem to be missing something, something I know is here, something so close I could nearly reach out and touch it, but I just haven't found it yet.....YET.

I don't know where life is taking me, I don't know if my job is right for me yet, I don't know if these new people will be around for a long time, but I know that if I don't try it or experience things, I won't ever know.

I have a long way to go in my life, on this journey, but I really am enjoying it, no matter how nerve wreckingly crazy it can be. I wouldn't trade it for a boring life at any time. :)


  1. You know what would help the watching to much tv thing? CANCELLING CABLE :) With Roku and Wii we have to be intentional about what we watch and not just flip on the tv mindlessly and hours later realize we've been sitting in the same position doing nothing the whole time.

    Sorry, sermon over.
    And I do get what you're saying about church. It's the same reason I know that 4C is my home. Because it just is. Even in the midst of my social and spiritual tantrum right now and as uncomfortable as I am with a lot of human contact, I know it's home. One day you'll find one that feels that way to you too.

  2. Embrace this journey of re-finding yourself. It can be confusing at times, but it can be a wonderful experience. Point out guys that are hot, tell them and others, if that's not you, you'll know/feel it.

    As for sitting around watching TV, I'm with "ellenjane". Cancel cable. It's really hard at first, but then you start LIVING instead of watching others live on a fictional basis. Plus, you can still get a few of your absolute favorite shows through Netflix or the internet. I can also still get a few channels (antenna/bunny ears) for the days that I'm stuck inside ALL day or if it's super cold out.

    And, finding new hobbies and such has been interesting for me, at least. I hope that you enjoy the adventures that lie ahead.


  3. I super-duper heart you, Mister!