Thursday, January 6, 2011

I thought I saw you today.

I thought I saw you today, but it turns out it was someone that just reminded me of you. The same piercing eyes, the same charisma, and while it was only at a distance I was reminded of you today. So often you start to fade from my memory, I kind of welcome that feeling because I know I hold on to these memories, these ideas and these dreams and it's just not good. I know we would have never been together, I know that we only really knew each other such a short amount of time and it's all completely irrational. I'm probably even romanticizing the smallest amount of friendship I'm sure we shared, but I miss you.

You had a way about you. Your smile would still melt me, listening to you talk was my favorite part of my day. You were so passionate about people, about life, about so many things. I often sit and remember the few moments we shared together, I could never quite put my finger on it, but you were just something special to me. I wouldn't get crazy enough to say I loved you, but I felt as if I could have.....very easily.

These days when I'm reminded of you are good because in that short amount of time we didn't have any bad times, it was all good. While I enjoy remembering you it also hurts to remember you're gone now, you're not around, you left and I don't even know where you are anymore. You are out living your life just like I told you that you should. You picked yourself up and found the confidence you needed to move on to bigger and better things, you owe me nothing, you never did, but I miss you so much sometimes.

I so often have thought over these last few years what I would say to you if I had one more chance. I often wondered what I had to lose if I told you, if I told you how much you meant to me, and just how crazy it all sounds. I know there is nothing rational about you anymore in my head and you won't keep me from moving forward because I'd like to find someone like you that could love me the way I need to be loved. It's unfair in so many ways, but hey, that's life, that's my life. No matter how much I want to know more about what you're doing, I feel it's best like this.

This year I'm starting over, just like I told you I was going to. I finally made it, you weren't around to celebrate with me like we talked about, but that's o.k. I'm going to start taking care of myself and treat myself like you told me I should have been doing from the beginning, but I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing this for me. I know that if I start to take care of myself, I might really start to love myself and through that process, allow others to love me too.

I hope you are out doing everything you wanted to do, I hope you are finding happiness and living life to the fullest and believing in yourself. I meant it when I said you were special, different than the rest, I said it because you are.

And I miss you.

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