Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Confidence.

I think I've titled a post by this name before but to be honest I'm too lazy to go and look it up. lol.

I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you.

I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into that crowd takes confidence. Did I mention that this situation terrorizes me to within an inch of hysterics? It's completely crazy when I look at it from the outside, but from within me I am paralyzed in the situation.

There has been much discussion with me at work in regards to confidence. Much of my job entails getting customers to trust me and trust in what I have to say. I not only have to say the answer, I have to believe the answer is right, even if I know it could be wrong. It's crazy but that is so hard for me to accomplish. I have tried for weeks and I'm starting to get the hang of it, but it's a very slow process. I very rarely say anything with confidence. I'm either afraid of being wrong, or even worse, upsetting people.

To me confidence is the thing I admire the most. It's the thing I notice, it's the thing that attracts me to others, it's what I admire in others. Most of my friends are confident people, some of them don't believe it, but they are, and if they really aren't? Well they are certainly good at faking it. It's just something I admire so much and require from friendships. Perhaps if I'm around it enough it will start to rub off on me.

I rarely talk to strangers unless required, which makes meeting new people very difficult. I'm cautious about so much in my life because I lack the confidence I feel is required for the situation. This whole post is ironic if I take a step back and look at myself and the things I've done in my life, but to me I don't always see it. Yes I moved away from everyone I know to go back to school at the age of 21. Yes I bought a business at the age of 28 that I had no idea how to run, and yes I moved again at the age of 33. I have done some pretty crazy things when I think about it, but I don't feel that any of them required confidence, maybe stupidity, but not always confidence.

Each small decision I second guess myself. I find it so hard to make a decision sometimes because I never know what's behind that decision. What are the repercussions of that decision, will someone be upset? Will someone be put out? If it's just me, o.k. I can make the decision, but put even just one more person with me and I become a hot mess in making a decision.

Where does confidence stem from? Where does it come from? Who instills it in you? Is it genetic? Is it environmental? What is it and where does it come from? Can it be a learned behavior?

It's just something that's been bouncing around in my head recently.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. Have I told you lately how much alike we are? I feel like I could have written this one.

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  2. Yeah, I'm with just me... You don't mind if I just copy and paste this into my own blog do ya? 'Cause I couldn't say it any better...

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