Freedom comes from Confinement

It might be time for a little honesty here, honesty for you and a little for me as well. Part of my funk recently has been a little bit of being homesick. It sounds crazy to me, but the more I think about it the more I realize it. I haven't been back "home" for going on 5 weeks. Doesn't sound like much but it's actually the longest I've been away from that place.....ever. When I lived in Michigan I was back there at least once a month if not more. I know, it's insane that I didn't live there for nearly 8 years and I was still there so much. I've stuck to my guns and have been sticking around home and it's nice, but at the same time it's withdraw. I do miss my family and part of their daily lives, I miss some of my friends terribly, but I'm starting to deal with the fact that I can't be there for everything anymore, I can't be a part of their daily lives anymore. The transition is just not as easy as I thought it should be...

Yes, I realized tonight that it has now been 6 months that I've been living down here. I can't believe it's gone by so fast! I don't regret a minute of it and am still incredibly happy I made that decision oh so long ago. I remember how less than a year ago it felt like it was just never going to happen and that I would die in that small town. The stress of moving down and not having a job. The finances of the store hanging over my head while I was trying to get settled in down here and still deal with the closing up there. Oh the headaches, but it was so much easier to take here. I have no idea what I did those two or three weeks I was unemployed, but I needed them. The stress of interviews and job searching that seemed a bit overwhelming at the time went so well and while I didn't find the best job, it was the best job at that time and it worked out very well. I enjoyed my time at O.M. and was able to sort through a lot of emotional work related baggage the...

So yes on Saturday I got to go out with the roommate and some new friends from work. We went to a gay club called Adonis to see the drag show. The club was really nice and it was huge. I was not expecting either. Now some of the previous bars I've been too have been shady but not really dirty or anything, but this place has big comfy chairs, a fireplace, a pool, a HUGE dance floor and a huge area for the shows. It was a really nice place and we had a blast! You can read roommies blog here for the things that could be over heard at different times that night that kept us laughing. Her memory is a lot better than mine, I may or may not have had one too many drinks. I was not falling down but I was certainly in no shape to drive, I could have been buy my roommate volunteered to drive home so I indulged a bit. :) The actual drag show was the longest show I've ever seen. My "usual" bar would have three performers, a break and then the same three performers. I cou...

So I moved down here and have since in a rather short amount of time lost over 40 pounds and 2 pant sizes. It nearly melted off of me and it happened without thought or effort. I was getting used to it and thought how wonderful it was. What I didn't expect was when it stopped falling off of me, how hard it would be to continue losing. It's proving to be harder than I thought and is going to require me to work so much harder. I really wish there was just some kind of motabolism shot I could take so my body would catch up to my mind. lol.

For those of you interested I felt it was worth the watch. It was not overly well done, but I liked it. I thought it was still worth watching. One thing that really hit me was towards the end of the movie was a line that was said. I won't go into who said it or how it was said because you really have to watch the movie to understand but here it is: "This book was written by man, interpreted by man, and abused by man" It really is something I've been trying to figure out how to say for a long time. I do realize there are many people that would not agree with talking about the bible like this, but I've been trying to put my finger on this subject for quite sometime. I battle it with myself and still working on it, but I had to put it out there.

I was standing outside of church the other day smoking a cigarette waiting on the boys to pick me up and suddenly was confronted with shame. Not shame by other people but suddenly I felt personally shameful for smoking. I don't know why because it's a legal substance, I was out of the way, away from other people. No one said anything to me, no one looked at me funny, I just felt ashamed and I didn't understand why. I know much of it is what society tells you, what society instills in us. At one time smoking was expected. Everyone smoked on t.v., on airplanes, in schools, it was just the norm. I know the health risks, it's not like no one every talks about the health risks, I just get annoyed when I feel ashamed. I also feel ashamed when I go into a restaurant as a fat person. I feel like all eyes are on me judging me for eating in general because I have enough fat on my body to sustain me for months before I would starve. It's times like this that I try to blend int...

I had issues with this many, many years ago and someone finally mentioned to me how I never accept responsibility for my own actions and always place the blame elsewhere. I had never realized it until someone pointed it out to me and from that day forward I started to drive myself crazy! lol . I began to take notes and realize that I was passing the blame onto so many other people or situations or who knows what else and never accepting my actions or repercussions to my actions. I've worked really hard over the last several years battling with who was to blame for what was happening in my life. I had to take stock in my decisions and realize that some of the bad things that were happening, or the bad paths I was venturing down were my own doing. I couldn't blame my weight on my parents, I made those bad food choices myself. Was I educated? no, but no one was stopping me from asking questions or following through with weight loss programs. No one was forcing me from exer...

During my funk last week I really got to thinking about a lot of things and one of those things was a comment I heard at my celebration dinner. I remember Jake making a statement about me finding myself. I remember at the time all I could think was that I had found myself and that's what brought me here. But lately I've realized that I really have no idea who I am. So I started to wonder what it was to be who you are? Who am I? My roommate reminded me during a conversation that everything I was before was so measured and thought out because of the oppression of a crazy work schedule, the oppression of being in the closet, the fear of being found out, and I figured out it really did have a huge affect on who I am and who I thought I was. The thought alone drove me crazy and blew my mind. It was really part of my funk, and I was surprised I had never noticed it. I stopped working my second job for only a week and was already confronted with this overwhelming feeling of bei...

O.k. it's not a time out like I was bad, it's more about a time out and about! I've been talking about a night out with some new friends from work for quite awhile now. I brought up the idea of catching a drag show and everyone loved it so we're going on Saturday! I'm so excited to venture out to a club again. I've been building relationships with people from work and it's been really good. Erin and I clicked from day one, it's like we are the same person, I love friends like that. I have many of them and I love to build the collection. Not only am I excited to spend more time with these new people in my life, I'm excited because we're all going to a gay club. I haven't been in so long and I can't wait. With what I know about the people I'm going with so far I can tell it's going to be such a fantastic time! I don't like to go out a lot, but once in awhile I surely enjoy it!!! I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

I was doing so well posting every day and that lasted what, not even a week? Yeah, sorry about that. The last few days I haven't even commented on posts, blogger has been giving me fits, but it seems to be better today. I've also had a couple of down days. I talked with the roommie about it and I still just can't put my finger on it. So much has been running around in my head and I can't seem to make much sense of anything at this point. There are just so many changes that have happened and I think it may be messing with the chemical make up of my mind. I mean I'm only working one job, a mere 40 hours a week. I'm home every night after work now and eating dinner at a regular time. I'm in a new job that I'm still adjusting to, changed my diet, and so on and so forth. I think it's just all settling in and creating a hot mess in my head. But I'm getting there with some great counseling from the roommie and just some deep thoughts. I'm g...

I feel something weighing on my heart. It's tugging at the few bits of logic remaining in my head and seems to be kicking me recently. With all these changes and I feel there are more trying to start, I feel as if God is knocking on my head once again, you know, like in those movies where they knock on their head and it sounds like an empty piece of wood? Yeah, that's what it is like right now. I don't really want to, nor do I think I can talk about it right now. I will say this to clear up any panic attacks awaiting, I'm not planning on moving anywhere new or changing my living situation. lol . I just have an issue that is running circles in my mind and tugging at my heart, tugging at my brain and really making me think. I don't know of it's possible, I don't know how long it would take but I feel myself leaning into the decision, and yet as I start leaning, other things are being knocked loose upstairs and changes my thought pattern so it makes me wonde...

O.k. so I'm a little behind on this idea but I wanted to talk about the year 2010. I was going to do it on New Year's eve but I worked until 6pm, then had dinner and then went to watch movies, and then was entertained by a roommate that had a bit much to drink, something that doesn't happen a lot and was highly entertaining. lol. Excuses excuses. lol. So looking back I realize I started last year dealing with my mother being rushed to the E.R. for chest pains and the tough decisions involved with situations like that in the future. It was a rough start to the year being faced with the mortality of my dear mother. Turns out she was just fine and got a clean bill of health, but it was a tough start regardless. I also spent some time with Leigh Ann in Michigan watching bad movies with some really hot actors and commented a bit on them. lol. Around that same time I was busy working with a potential buyer to finally buy my business. By this time it was already a part time...

I thought I saw you today, but it turns out it was someone that just reminded me of you. The same piercing eyes, the same charisma, and while it was only at a distance I was reminded of you today. So often you start to fade from my memory, I kind of welcome that feeling because I know I hold on to these memories, these ideas and these dreams and it's just not good. I know we would have never been together, I know that we only really knew each other such a short amount of time and it's all completely irrational. I'm probably even romanticizing the smallest amount of friendship I'm sure we shared, but I miss you. You had a way about you. Your smile would still melt me, listening to you talk was my favorite part of my day. You were so passionate about people, about life, about so many things. I often sit and remember the few moments we shared together, I could never quite put my finger on it, but you were just something special to me. I wouldn't get crazy enoug...

I love change, don't get me wrong. I enjoy moving furniture a lot, I enjoy breaking out of ruts, I enjoy moving (well not the actual moving part), I enjoy so much about change. The new scenery, the new people, the new everything. I get so lost in the euporhia of the change it isn't until I'm knee deep into it that I realize just how terrifying it is. When I first decided to move to Michigan, I had my mind set, there was just not stopping me. I wanted to go back to school, and I just kept pushing forward without even thinking of it too much. Day after day, decision after decision I just kept moving forward. It wasn't until I had moved my stuff and my parents had gone away and I was driving around trying to find different things in the are when I completly fell apart and wondered what in the hell I thought I was doing. I remember sitting in my car balling because I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know anyone, I didn't know where anything was, I knew ...

I think I've titled a post by this name before but to be honest I'm too lazy to go and look it up. lol. I've dealt a lot with confidence as of late and it's been one hell of a struggle I must say. My whole life I've lacked confidence and the older I get the more I realize how much of a difference confidence can make in my every day life. The shoes I think that are so awesome that I don't buy because I tell myself I couldn't pull the look off. The hair style I don't try because I tell myself people like me don't get daring with their looks, they blend in and don't stand out. If you stand out people might want to talk to you, or possibly even talk about you. I've lived my life so far in these dark corners, trying desperately to blend in with the carpet, or the wall paper, or whatever I could to not be noticed. I believe it takes confidence to walk into a room full of people you don't know, even if you know one person, just walking into...

Today (weeks ago actually) while sitting in church I was shaken a bit, I was forced to look back on a life, a life and a time that made me angry, to force myself to look back at that anger, to admit it to myself and forced me to ask forgiveness, and yet I find it hard to because it's a constant battle in my mind. He showed a clip of the end of a football game where the player dropped the ball, it was the last play and caused the team to lose the big game, forgive the vagueness of the story, I had no idea for sure what or who it was. lol. It's not the clip that got me, it was the tweet of his that was repeated, speaking to God and basically, I worship you and live for you and this is how you do me? It's a paraphrase because I don't remember the exact phrase, but you get the idea. The discussion was around that, how we try to manipulate God, how sometimes we can expect good things for the good work we've done. I flashed back to the lonely nights leading up to the ...

December 1: Heard some very good things about my progress and status with the new (now 5 week old) job. Helped to push away some of the emotional baggage, at least for a day. lol. December 2: Came to terms with the lack of future for my second job, praying for the strength to go through with it this time. December 3: Attended a Christmas party for the roomies work and had a good time and lots of laughter to follow. December 4: Enjoyed Christmas shopping this morning and just heading from store to store enjoying my day, movie with the roomie, and just a Saturday that I haven't had in months. December 5: I was reminded what good people I know when the boys replaced my bad brakes today and then had a great dinner and general merriment with them as well. December 6: I feel blessed to have a job that I don't hate, pays my bills and affords me the luxuries I've missed, like christmas shopping. :) December 7: Spoke with the manager of my second job and put in a notice.....I think....