Sunday, September 7, 2008

Two more........by accident.

Well it was a fun night, a night that has been a long time coming, but I really need to learn to not drink and keep my mouth shut.

It was a party, a party to say good bye, it would be simple right? One last night to see him before he moved and I could go on with my life. A good time would be had, I'd flirt shamlessly with both S and boy and life would be normal.

Well S and I spent an hour preparing for the party, getting everything set up and then we sat for a drink and waited. A few minutes later the other three showed up. Boy looked so much better than usual, he grew a goate (which is a big plus for me) and he seemed happy. He gave me a great big hug, which I always love and everyone was mingling. While everyone went in to set up for a game of beer pong boy pulled me aside and thanked me for my letter I gave him on his last night. He told me he has it held to his visor with some clips so he can keep the advice on hand when he needs it the most. I hugged him again, it meant so much to me that he does think of me as more than just his old boss. I told him I just wanted him to be happy and do things in life, and learn from my mistakes.

The night was filled with lots of adult beverages, laughter and flirting. yes I flirted with everyone, I touched boy as often as I could and made very suggestive comments. Well everyone was rather charged up and hormones filled the garage like a thick smoke, it was interesting to say the least. Well I mentioned before about S's past and his track record with boys, and a comment was made about boy and S made a rather suggestive comment. I spun my head around and gave him a look of death. I wouldn't normally but the alcohol allowed me to drop my inhibitions and I couldn't hold back. A little while later I got called out on it by S and L while boy was hanging all over A. They were making out and it was really upsetting me and kind of depressing me all at the same time....damn alcohol. So S and L called me out on it and asked me what my problem was and I said it, I told them I wanted boy for myself, I wanted to take him home. It's how I felt, but I knew it would never happen.

Needless to say S was a bit in shock, L laughed hysterically as she normally does in situations such as this. S said he was confused so he and L went and talked and left me alone to watch boy make out with the chick. The irrational part of me wanted to go push A off of him and tell her to stay away from my man, but the rational side of me just watched and started to feel depressed because I knew it would never be me that he had his arms around. But I couldn't turn my head, all I could do was imagine it was me....I know sad right?

So S and L came back and the evening went on, later S and I were sitting around together and I kept commenting how I have a big mouth and I should never drink again. He put his arm around me and leaned in close and said.."It's all good, it's all going to be alright" It was like a weight had been lifted, but at the same time I was more nervous about L because she has a tendency to tell people secrets and she was having a conversation with boy at the time. I spent the next hour or so making her swear to me she didn't and wouldn't tell boy what I had said. I don't think she told him, and I don't think she will, I was worried for a bit, I just don't want to change things. I nearly told him myself several time throughout the night, but there is talk that he wants to come back to town and hang out or us come up there and hang out, so I'm afraid of changing everything.

He came around before everyone passed out and put his arm around me and told me before I move away that I had better call him so we could have a party like this for me and then gave me another hug.

ARG!!! I'm so frustrated, constantly battling my mind and my heart, and my mind always wins, always. My mind has always been smarter than my heart in these situations, which I'm thankful for, I just wish sometimes I could just get my heart to stay out of it all together.

So yes, S knows now. We spent some time together today and he didn't mention it at all, in a true S fashion. But I made a few comments and life was normal. It feels good, it will be a transition, but at least I know he's o.k. with it.

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