Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's always the darkest before the dawn.

Yeah, so I just want to know who on earth came up with that phrase, I mean really, duh, of course it's the darkest! It's like saying you always find what you're looking for in the last place you look, do you really want to look more after you found it?

Anyway....

The title is the truth, the cloud is still here, but I'm fighting better. The thing I hate most about this part of shooing the cloud is the things that are revealed in the aftermath of it's destruction. It forces me to take a good look at myself and find the things that I need to work on. While Bethany pointed out many of the good qualities that people see in me during our tough love chat this afternoon, I have hard time seeing them all. It's just human nature. But as I sit here I realize I could see those things in the person I was, the person that I've gaged and stuffed into the trunk of my mind, and I don't know why, or how to get out.

I have the reputation of a grumpy grocer, it's not who I am, why is it I can't be who I am? How do I open the trunk and let the old me back out? Why is it I can't be happy and bubbly all day guy that I used to be? How do I make that transformation and beat down all the negativity and put on my happy face again? How can you be happy when it seems the entire world is crumbling around you? When your check book is empty, the economy is horrible and the customers are in such bad moods and there just seems like there is no hope left? How do I become the ray of hope?

I know the simple answers: Hire someone to help with the day to day and get more sleep. I know both of those things would help so much, and yet it's just not going to happen, so what do I do in the mean time? How do I get through this part of my life? How do I take this transitional business and make it bearable to me? Where do I find my passion again?

There are some very good answers and some very good conclusions I've come up with for these questions, but I can't exactly post all of them, and I'm not sure how the answers are related to the questions and if they can answer all the questions, so I'm left stumped. I'm left with all these questions and answers and trying to piece them back together again.

It seems like I go through this at least once a month, I need to get out more, I need to take a step back and get a grip, and of course.....I need a nap.

I see the future, I just need to see the path, and in the process I'm hoping to find myself again and take myself out to dinner.

It's not over, but the cloud is breaking up.

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