Friday, September 19, 2008

Oh dark cloud of dispair....

Yes, the dark cloud that comes around once in awhile reared it's ugly fluffy face recently. It only lasted a couple of days really, but I feel it's presense like it's just around the corner waiting for me, just waiting to pounce.

I can't really explain what was wrong, or if there really was anything wrong, it's just once in awhile I get so down and depressed. My mind starts thinking to the past and thinking into the future, but it's never good, it's always the bad things that did happen and the bad things that could happen. The people I've lost and the people I think I'll lose later on. It's like every bad part of me becomes so apparent, so visible, that I can't hide it, I can't shade it with the good parts of me. It's rather overwhelming at first.

I think some of it has to do with the shows I catch from time to time, or a sad movie that invites that cloud. What's funny is sometimes it's just as easy to scare it off with a good movie, or an uplifting story, or just surround myself in person with funny people. You wanna hear something even sadder and help for saying this.....I caught an episode of Tabitha's Salon takeover on Bravo, and it was uplifting enough to get me out of a funk. Yeah, that speaks volumes about me, but it works. It takes on the whole 80's sitcom theory, that all problems can be solved in 30 minutes. This raging bitch goes into hair salons and sees the worse and shows them how to be better and helps them, it's so simple and it's addicting. It helped me see that much of the problem was myself and I needed to pull myself out of the funk and get my shit together.

Today I tore apart my office, I started at the top shelf and worked my way down to the floor. If the spaces around me are a am I. It took all afternoon and lots of swear words, but I did it, and it's beautiful!!! I forced myself to send letters I'd been putting off, finish some invoices and finally shed some of the old junk I've been holding on to. There is still a pile of things I need to acomplish in the next week or two, but it's managable and orgainzed, and I feel soooo much better.

I'm starting to figure myself out, if that makes sense. I'm slowly catching on to what makes me tick, what sets me off and what keeps me level. I can't always stop these crazy times from happening, but I'm slowly learning how to set it back straight and start helping myself instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Part of it had to do with the huge pile of paperwork I found from last year. Everything involving my bankruptsy case was all kept together and I started going through it, and remembering last year at this time, just what a mess everything was. How uncertain the future was, how unstable I was mentally, and the wad of emotions I was. Thinking back to listening to the phone ring, knowing it was one of the many lawyers on the other end just waiting to threaten me again, or throwing bills away because I couldn't stand to see them sitting around not getting paid. I'm not saying I was smart about everything, but then I remembered how it felt when I walked out of the court. That feeling of overwhelming relief, it was so sudden and so strong I sat in my car and cried. I remember letting it all go in one quick swoop, in private in my car at the top of the parking garage. I remember what a relief it was, and how I told myself it would never be this bad again.

So I went through my accounting program and started running reports, and while my sales are down about $5,000 from last year, I may actually show a profit this year. Don't ask me where it is, or how it happened, but it felt good to know that I've gotten this far. Daily life is still a struggle in this place, but I'm making it, I'm surviving, to beat all odds come December 1, I'll have made it here 3 full years. That's beating out 80% of the statistics out there for a small business. It gave me hope, it renewed my faith, and it just made me take stock in what I have. It's not much, but I'm not nearly in the shape I was a year ago.

I'm still scared to death of the what the future holds, but looking back over the last 31 years, I've survived it all, I've always come out better and God watches over me. Tomorrow I may not be so optimistic, but I've learned to appreciate it while it's here.

1 comment:

  1. *nods head in agreement*

    Maybe instead of writing my own blog, I'll just post a link to yours since you are able to say the things I think but can't express.