Monday, September 1, 2008

A couple of things....

So I had a great weekend, you can read all about it on my other blog, for those of you that know me, you've probably already read it. So here I can recount some thoughts I had this weekend.

I was sitting in B's church again this week, I really like that place because it's fun, it's interesting and it always causes me to think so much. I was thinking about the walls I have built around my heart. I had always thought I had built these walls because of love. I've realized since I've accepted being gay that these walls were built to protect me from being discovered, not so much because I had been hurt. After I accepted myself for being me it became easier to put myself out there for love again, the love I have never had the chance to experience, true love.

But at church I was watching everyone so excited about being there, so excited about God, and the love he has to share and I wondered, what's so wrong with me? Why don't I feel the same way? Why don't I feel the need to raise my hands? Don't get me wrong inside I get excited, I sing, I tap my foot, and for me that's a pretty big deal. :) And that's when I started to realize these walls were not all about love of people, but they are about the love of God as well. I've been battling these feelings since I've accepted myself, and while I have read the books and done some research, I just can't get past the general concensus of what I am, is wrong. I have a hard time living a life if I think that God would not approve. I realize everyone sins, but to live a life that people believe is against God is something I have a hard time doing.

I know that God loves me and made me who I am, but I have such a hard time dealing with these ideas. B and told me about a conversation she had with the pastor, that their church is there to love people, regardless of what they do. Now don't get me wrong, it's something that makes me feel really good and I think that's how all christians should be, the conversation continued.. "If they were to ask me what I believe the bible says about homosexuality I'll tell them, they may not like it....." I know where he's coming from, and I can really appreciate it, but something about it bothered me. Not something about him, not something about the love the church is known for, just something about the idea has really gotten to me. I have such a hard time putting it to words. It's.....(bear with me)....almost as if I want people to accept it and read the same things I have read and understand or give me their approval, which I know is CRAZY! No one can really tell you what God has in mind, or what the bible really truly says, there are so many different ways to read the bible, no ONE can be for sure about it. All they can do is believe what they believe to be true, and who am I to say they are wrong?

It would be just as frustrating to them that I don't believe the same things, and as B and I discussed each denomination believes things based on traditions, and things that have been handed down from generation to generation. It's hard to get people to think differently, and who am I to say I'm right and they are wrong? It's the paradox I find myself in. I do love the people at her church and when I move down there, I will probably attend regularly as I battle these thoughts in my head. I pray that it won't turn me against another church, or another group of people, I just don't know where the answer is, or even if there is an answer that is attainable in this life time. I know who I am, I just need to find others who are like me that may have a closer understanding of where I'm coming from, to help me find answers, or form some ideas.

It's all in the process of growing closer to God, I just hope someday I can break down these walls and fully accept the love that God has to give me. I know he's there just waiting for me to get it, to have the "ah ha" moment to open my heart and let him all the way in, and stop fighting it.

The other hard concept I'm having to come to terms with is what my life will be like after this is all over. After the business is gone, after I have moved away from the trashy drama, after I am able to start a new life, what will i do with the time I will hopefully find myself with? It's so weird to think that someday I might have a day that I have nothing of importance to do. A part of me wants to get involved in something, I'm not the type of person to pour myself full into anything, but something would be nice. A way to meet people, do something good and maybe make a difference. I don't know if this will be church related, or just a general public related situation, or maybe it will be something I can't imagine at this time.

Just thinking about changing my life, the way I live my life, the way I view my life, everything, everything is going to be different. A new city, a new job, a new home, a whole new lifestyle. It's just so insane for me to think about.

B asked me today if I was going to just start out by telling people I'm gay, or what I planned on doing. I know that I can't fall back into the trap of pretending to be straight and then try and break the news later. It's not healthy and if I'm starting fresh, I need to start being who I am, this time it's for me, for my sanity and for my life. Honestly? It scares the living crap out of me. The moving, the new job, the new people, the new place, I had nearly talked myself out of doing it on the way home. I had nearly convinced myself it's not me to change again, that I should find a way to make this work here, just because I become paralyzed with fear when it comes to so much change again.

I find it funny that it was the trip home last time that I convinced myself I was going to make the change, I was going to restart my life again. And this trip I nearly convinced myself I couldn't do it, that it would be too hard, it would be so exhausting. I prayed a lot on my way home. When I reached home I met up with the neighbors and my brother and within five minutes I was reminded that it was time to go. The life here is not healthy one for me. To be surrounded by the drama, by the..forgive the term...white trash life, I can't deal with it. People who constantly find themselves in horrible situations, raising their kids around domestic violence to the point that it's all the kids know. I'm sad and want to make a change, but these people don't know any better. This is all they know, and I can't be surrounded by that anymore.

I love my neighbors dearly, I love them like they are my family, but their family is surrounded by drama, drama that I have tried to avoid all my life, and the longer it goes the more I get sucked into it, and get thrown into it. Tonight I found out that someone has been threatening my safety, without me knowing. The sick thing is I have spoken to this guy since it started, and he never made any mention of the situation. The guy has problems, and I told the other party involved that if I get brought into all of this I'll take matters into my own hands, I'll take care of the situation myself without regards to them.

I'm hoping it's long past, but this asshole is playing head games with everyone around him, and if I ever see that little bastard again I'll call the cops myself. I'm trying to stay out of it, but if he wants to keep dragging me into it, I'll have no other option but to put this to an end. He's accusing me of sleeping with his girlfriend..aka the mother of his unborn child. First of all, even if I was straight...EWWW, I wouldn't have a thing to do with her, I don't even like her. Second of all, I'm gay. There is a better chance of him sleeping with me, than her....he is cute, but WAY to psycho even for me. I just hope they keep me out of this, he's got problems, and I don't want anything to do with it.

So yes, I'm still working to get out of here, because while I'm so scared of starting over, I know I need to start over. God is giving me a chance to put things right with me, a chance to live the life I want, a chance to really live. I know I'll be alright, he has never failed me. I've had some rough times, but I can see him lighting the path to a new life now, and I just can't wait to close things up around here and get started on my new future.

1 comment:

  1. You know I've been thinking about this post all morning. The thing is, you are never ever going to find a body of people that agree with you 100% on everything. Furthermore, you can find a body of people that agree with most of your beliefs and particularly the ones about homosexuality and they could be the most aloof cliquey group of people that want nothing to do with you because of _____ (insert reason here).

    The very best that you can do is find people that love you period.
    People that love you above and beyond shiny happy friendships where everything is simple and clear cut, people that are with you in the trenches, people that wrestle alongside you as you wrestle with God and reconciling your specific beliefs.
    That's what I've found in my church. I'm not assuming you'll find it there too, not that I wouldn't love it if you did.

    While I applaud that you are struggling with it, because God is in the struggle meeting you there even if you can't see/feel him, be carefull not to struggle so much that you're afraid to make a decision. If you choose God, if you choose to continue to recklessly pursue this relationship with him it will be ugly, and hard, and sometimes really shitty...but it will be peaceful in the storm, beautiful in the grace that you are extended, and often overwhelming how much love there is to experience.

    Sometimes I feel like you're afraid to accept love because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, you're waiting for someone to out you, to discover that which you see as unloveable about yourself. But what I don't think you understand (and hell, what I don't understand about my own life) is that the people who love you simply do not see those things.

    That's the hardest part about grace, it's unearnable and undeserved...yet we spend so much time trying to earn God's love and grace, that we forget to bask in it, to seek comfort in it, and to shine it on other people.