Freedom comes from Confinement

You may have to pardon my randomness in this blog as it has been building in me over the last few days, so much to say and I had so little time. Since business is painfully slow today I'm going to be productive, or anti productive with my time (depending on how you look at it) and finally write as much as I can remember. So here we go.... O.K. so christmas eve was a good day at the store, better than I was expecting but nothing to do cartwheels over, but I was happy. I had started to stress throughout the day about getting my shopping done. I had simplified the list so I knew Wal-Mart would have what I wanted, I knew where to find it and was pumped and ready to fight the crowd. Six o'clock rolled around and I was off, I drove straight to Wal-Mart to do my late single busy man christmas shopping, and what do I find when I arrive? The store is closed. They too closed at 6 o'clock for the holidays. WTF? Where does a single man do his christmas shopping on Christmas Eve ...

I do feel like I have a home, but sometimes I don't think I belong here, like I'm on the outside looking in.

So I told my friend G. this weekend that I was gay. I had planned on telling her but was convincing myself throughout the night that I didn't really need to, it wouldn't make a difference, so why put that into a night of fun and laughter and sharring we had. And then this conversation came about: "So now that I have told you all my secrets from my past, the dark stuff I don't tell alot of people, what is your deepest secret?" I just started shaking and my heart was racing and I asked if she really wanted to know, and of course she did want to know, so I told her. "Remember the online dating situation I was blogging about a month or two ago? Well his name was Michael. I'm gay." She had this look of shock on her face, not disgusted or hate, just shocked. We talked about it for quite awhile, and it's not as if it changed her views on me at all, but it made more sense. G hates men for many reasons, she wants to be close to them but she runs from ...

So yes, moving from online friendship to real life friendship is so easy, I have no idea why I was worried. I don't know why it makes me nervous, if I feel open enough with these people to tell them the things I tell them online, it will be the same in person. It always goes so well. When I met B, we were instantly in each other's heads and the same is with G. I had such an awesome time. B and G both I swear share my brain, no kidding, we can all finish each others thoughts, and sometimes don't have to say a thing because we know what the other is thinking. It's fantastic. G came over Saturday around 7pm. I had thought we would watch a movie or two and catch up on old times and I figured probably crash around 1 or 2, I was wrong. We talked non stop until about 6:45am Sunday morning. The only time we stopped talking was if one of us was using the bathroom or we were mixing drinks (nearly an entire bottle of JD). We caught up on old times and had some seriously ...

Well here it is another Saturday, was slammed this morning, but it has since slowed down. Every christmas season is different from the last. I think yesterday was my big money maker, so I'll take solace in that. ; ) My long lost friend from out of town is visiting tonight. I'm so excited and yet so nervous. When she stopped in the other day it was like staring at the person I used to know, the one that was always nice to me, I was nice to her, but we didn't really know much about each other at all. But the online friend I know now knows tons about me and we share alot of deep secrets and feelings, how do I merge the two in my head? I'm going to have a glass or two of wine before she comes over to loosen me up, it will be easier to merge the two people in my mind. It should be a great night of talking. I'm not sure if she has feelings for me or not, but I think tonight I'm going to tell her, hopefully before she says anything about feelings so I don't h...

So I've been wondering how one goes from an online friendship to a real friendship. Has anyone done it? Is there an easy transition to make? To be honest I've done this a couple of times and it always feel so foreign. One friend I had never spoken to until she showed up at my store, It took me while, but I knew she was coming. I read what we had written back and forth and had to keep this information in my head. When we met I had to remind myself that this person knew me better than most of my friends at that time so I had to lunge that forward in my brain to react properly. A warm hello and a hug! It's not that I didn't want to, but suddenly someone you had only written to was standing infront of you. Why is it so much easier to say things online? Suddenly when the person is infront of you, you realize they are real and they know you very well. My friend from out of town is finally back in town. We knew each other a long time ago but didn't really "kno...

These are the results of my personal DNA These are so acurate it's scarry!!! Take it yourself here: http://www.personaldna.com/tests.php You are an Artist Your appreciation of beauty, ability to think abstractly, and innovativeness make you an ARTIST. Never one to be tied to a particular way of doing things, you let your imagination guide you in discovering different possibilities. You would rather seek out new experiences than stick to your everyday habits, taking in as much of the world as possible. Your eye for beauty and your willingness to consider different perspectives make your creative efforts interesting—even though you may not realize this yourself. You prefer to think about things before voicing your opinion, considering a wide, diverse range of options. While there are forms and styles that you prefer, you tend to keep an open mind when it comes to your artistic preferences. You are curious about things, interested in the "why" mo...

Last blog I talked about Rodney. This time I'd like to talk about Jonny. He is a customer that started coming in because of Rodney, he's Rodney's best friend. I actually grew up down the street from Jonny and his wife. They lived in a tiny little shack at the end of our street and we were always afraid of them. Not because they were mean, but because they were different. They were middle aged and it didn't seem like they cared about how they looked or how their house looked. Now that I'm older I can understand that. They are who they are and don't really care what people think. They didn't have a lot of money and did what they could. Several years ago Jonny's wife died. What I have learned since is that she was his caretaker. She took care of the money, the house work and everything. His job was to go to work, make the money and take care of his wife financially and mentally. They loved each other, it's something you can't see when you...

Wow a whole week without a blog, I'm sorry. I've been involved with other things both in real life and online life. How sad that's part of me now. I still remember in 1995 when I was introduced to the internet in COLLEGE!!! How sad. It was then I convinced my parents to get online at home, it was wonderful. I knew like five people with email addresses and thought it was so cool to send an email. Time evolved and by the time I moved to Michigan I was using instant messaging, emailing tons of people and finding people I hadn't seen in forever. And now, here I am, I am part of a few online communities, operate a few different blogs, made friends all over the country, met new friends and became closer to even more!! What a great part of my life this has become. Of course it has also sucked me into it's vortex of procrastination. Trying to keep up with everything I'm a part of, keeping me from taking care of my house, or myself even! I'm horribly addicted. ...

I only wish I could tell you why this spoke to me, but I can't put it to words. I'm not sure what the creator was thinking when they put it together, but it spoke to me, it spoke volumes to me, and I can't explain why.

So if I title something untitled, is it still titled? Just a thought. So I'm just blogging out of boredom, usually something will pop into my head as I ramble on about nothing important. I tried to post a blog on my normal page and the site wiped it clean so I didn't feel like retyping it so I figured, oh well, time to move on. ; ) lucky you. So I've been chatting everyday with one of my out of town friends lately, she's one of the two that I've told I'm gay and she's been so much fun. I can finally say what I want to say and she doesn't judge me. I can see now why most gay men have women as friends, I feel comfortable talking about a hot guy with a woman, while it would make most men uncomfortable. It's been fun. She's so much fun to chat with, I miss it on Saturdays when everyone else is home or doing things and I'm still at work. So this whole coming out things seems to be snow balling faster than I had imagined, but it has felt goo...

Yes, I figured it was time to stop cheating by using one blog for both spaces, so I'm back to talk about more of my customers. Today's choice? Rodney. This is a man that strikes fear in everyone that has every worked here or hung out here. Keep in mind that this man has a heart of gold, a very giving and kind human being. But he's one of the most obnoxious people to deal with. Not because he's rude or he's stupid, but because he won't stop talking. A simple transaction takes nearly an hour and he likes to pester other customers as well, and if they are female, watch out. He should probably register where he lives. ; ) Rodney grew up a little slow. He grew up in a very strange family, and parts of them are pretty horrifying from what I've heard from other members, but he's part of the family that was not horifying. He was very dependent on his parents, but when they were both gone he was left alone. Rodney is now in his sixties, but since I got the ...

I just love that song, I don't know why exactly, maybe because it's just funny! ; ) I mean, they wouldn't touch him with a 39 1/2 foot pole? What about a fourty foot pole? That would be o.k.? ; ) hahahahhahaha So it was a weekend, what can I say? Friday we threw a little bash for some of the south side business owners and myself and had quite the time. We deep fried 2 turkeys that turned out awesome and we made a ton of other food. About that time I had to go to Work, so I left everyone playing cornhole in my building and drinking it up while I had to go to work. It sucked. But I've gotten so used to leavign events to go to work that I don't think about it much anymore. I know someday I won't need this all, but until then I just keep moving, somedays slower than others. But I must say it was my frist actually succesful party! Maybe it's because I had to leave it early? hmmm.... Saturday was another fine day, ended by going to BW's with the rest of the ...

I just thought of something to blog about so yes, two blogs in one night. I have been thinking about telling everyone how happy I am with my life right now, but the more I think about it, I'm not. I'm getting to the point of misery. I work three jobs to not even make ends meet, I'm surrounded by people that I really don't want to be around, those I do want to be around have lives outside of this one. My best friend can't seem to show emotion about anything and it drives me crazy. How can I open up to someone who can't show emotion? I've never even seen him pissed off, well I know I've seen it, but he doesn't scream, he doesn't do anything but throw anyone off with his sarcasm. I know he's unhappy. I know he loves his job, but he's unhappy with his love life, with his financial situation, with a whole lot in his life. He and I are so simlar and yet we never talk about it. These are just observations I make from what seems like a di...

Now keep in mind as you read this post, I do not keep up as much anymore on the news or names or such. I've been reading recently about the senator that has a "gay" past and more and more men are coming forward saying they've been "hit on" by the senator. And yet the conservatives republicans are denying it like crazy, getting vicous at times. What I find hard to hear is the part of the republicans denying being gay. Does the republican party not acknolwedge their own Log Cabin party? A series of Gay republicans? How could a party come out against a portion of their own? When the same scenario went down in New Jersey he came out, he was upset, but he didn't seem ashamed. I guess I'm not seeing the difference. How can I be comfortable being who I am when my own political party says I'm not a citizen, I don't deserve the same rights and my religion tells me I'm going to hell? I'm very confused on how people are supposed to live the...

So I'm at a loss again, I'm never quite sure how I keep landing in this position. My store seems to be taking a nose dive and I'm not sure how it got this way or how to pull out of it. I'm so frustrated I could just explode! I keep trying, and nothing is working. What is it these people want from me? I've never met more difficult people in my life! Of all the places I've lived in my life, this has to be the most confusing. Things have gotten so bad at times I've considered driving my car into the river and putting an end to it all. I wouldn't but the thought has crossed my mind. I would never let financial matters put an end to my life, it's the cowards way out, but it doesn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. If I put this in my other blog people would be going crazy and I don't need that. I'm just trying to figure it out. Christmas is supposed to be happy a time for celebration, and yet I'm depressed, I'm broke an...

Hi, how ya doin? That's all..... Alright, it's really not, I have so much to say, but most of it's bitching and I really don't feel like being that guy all the time, so I'll keep it brief and to the point. Shop till you drop? Yeah, no one dropped here, and I mean NO ONE. It was my worse day in six weeks. This shop till you drop thing can kiss my grits. Next year we're doing a Holiday open house with a live radio feed and all the people that have moved into my building by then. I'll get more traffic that way then this way. I just feel like I wasted so much time, energy and money preparing for this thing and the VERY lack luster sales of the weeks I've had. ARG. Haven't even started christmas shopping, the lack of money and the freakin holiday parties that are going to cost me have left me out of the mood. Half the lights on my christmas tree burned out so I have to undecorate it and restring lights, and I just don't feel like it. The holiday part...

Yes I spent the day with some of my favorite members of my extended family to attend a long awaited event called "Spamalot". I loved it, I loved it, I loved it. I have never before been brought to tears from laughter at a musical. It was everything I thought it would be and 10 times more!!! If you are at all a Monty Python fan, you will also laugh until you cry. It was so well put together, so well performed and it was just perfect!!! It was well worth the third job I worked to get the money to go. Wow, what a day!!! I hope and hope they make a video of it, or I can find a bootleg copy or better yet, a movie! I could watch that thing again. Funny, Funny, Funny. I have had a great day, which is probably good because my Saturday was shit, but I'm starting to get used to that. Saturday was my official second year in business. Two full years of business, two full years of sleepless night, and two full years of constant worry. I was hoping it would be good, I was hop...