A promised update

You know, as I was doing my normal morning surfing of cartoon strips I came across this one. When I read this strip I stopped everything I was doing and couldn’t stop thinking about it.

This strip is so true in life. From a distance I look like a good person. I put this image on of who I mostly am, but the closer you get the more faults and problems you can see. I’m not who everyone thinks I am, I’m not the good guy who would do anything for anyone. The closer you get to me the more you can see just how selfish I am. I often wonder how my friends put up with some of the things I’ve done. I try often to rationalize the things I do or the situations I find myself in, but the truth is, I put myself there. I have much to learn about loving others, about giving selflessly and about how to let others into my life to really know me.

Much of human kind is like this. From a distance you can see someone so special, so full of life, so full of laughter, but do you see them at home? Do you see them when they are alone, can you see inside of their head? If someone were actually in my head I’m not sure they would want to be there for long.

As I was growing up I just figured God could not see inside my soul, that it was just the show he could see. The older I got the more I realized that God is the one who looks closer and sees the dirt and the filth and the selfishness inside. The more I realized that the more ashamed I became of who I was on the inside. The more I realized he could read my thoughts and I have gone around for years wishing I could shut off my brain or hide the dirt that is sin. I’m afraid to let people get close in fear they will see my dirt, that they won’t like what they see once they get close enough.

I push, I let people come so far and then I begin pushing them away, afraid they too will think I need a scrubbing to get rid of the filth. Perhaps this is part of my crisis of faith. Perhaps the more I realize that God has already seen the filth the more I want to push away, afraid of judgement, afraid of being cast out for the filth that lies within.

I have given my heart to God, but our relationship is a battle if that makes any sense at all. I know I am his and he loves me but letting him get close enough to see the sin is something I’m working on. I’m afraid to let it show, to fully admit the things of my past that were wrong. I’m still ashamed that the filth is there to begin with. I sometimes think it’s just easier to keep people at a distance so they don’t see it. Keeping them at a distance allows me to be who they think I should be, or who they’ve always thought me to be.

I’m not crazy, I know that God sees me for who I really am, and strangely enough he still loves me. I think from time to time that maybe I’m not ready for a scrubbing, like I’m not ready to be rid of the filth inside, I hold on thinking it’s part of who I am, I fear being scrubbed and wiped clean. There is nothing more hurtful than getting a floor nice and clean, then stepping back and watching someone dirty it up again not 2 seconds after you cleaned it. I fear the same thing. That no matter how clean I try to make it, that sin will be back not more than 2 seconds later.

This probably makes no sense, but I had to write it, it was just bouncing around in my head after I found this cartoon.