Saturday, February 2, 2008

A new perspective

Ah yes, a new perspective on my blog. As I have been rereading some of my posts I realize there were a few that were not true representations of who I am, maybe how my mind works from time to time, but not things I would normally say out loud, so I have once again gone through and edited them. Why do I feel the need to edit my previous posts? Well I have actually recieved a few comments which means someone else is actually reading some of these, and like I said, there were a few left that were off charecter for me, so I edited them down or deleted them completely.

So lately things have been pretty dull. Since my trip down south things have been calm, not much exciting going on, just getting from one day to the next, it's really all I can ask for anymore. I have had some good times, but nothing really to do cartwheels about, although it would sure be fun to try! ; )

So the other day my friend X and I were getting into a discussion about my life and he told me he sort of thinks I just haven't met the right woman. I was a bit shocked. He's the first person I told about being gay and he was cool about it, but like he said, inside it was quite shocking to hear it out loud for the first time. He mean no offense by telling me I haven't found the right woman yet, and I didn't take it offensivly but I was a bit taken back by the statement. I tried to explain to him that it's like saying he's not gay because he hasn't met the right man yet. I mean really? I guess I don't understand how it's not understandable. It's all a parts issue. It's not like I'm more mentally connected with men than women, because the opposite is true. I have more female friends than male friends. It's all in the sexual connection. In the two relationships I was in before there wasn't anything there. Yes I forced it through some fantasies and such, but the basic sexual attraction is not there. There hasn't been a woman I've ever met that has attracted me, or I have been attracted to. How do you explain to that to a guy who doesn't understand what it's like to be attracted to a man?

How do you explain that the muscles on a man make me melt? How do you explain how much attention I pay to chiseled chins, bubble butts, hairy arms, muscular backs, etc... How do you explain that. He notices things about women I'm completely oblivious too. I only wish we would have had the time to expand on that conversation, but like every other conversation I have tried to have here, it gets interupted and ended before I have time to finish a thought. It's crazy and drives me crazy!!! I want to know more about what's in his head because that was a shock, and I'd like to know if there are other things in there he wants to know, or wants to ask, or things he wants to tell me. I look to him for advice and words of wisdom.

He's also the person I fear the most about telling about thinking about moving. He was unhappy I came back because he knew I'd never be happy, but now he's the one that's going to be hurt the most when I leave. I don't know when or where too, but I know that someday in the next five years I'm going to be leaving again. I can't just keep this up, I want to be happy and live a life suitable for me, not the box people keep trying to fit me into. I need the be near the city, I need to be near options and culture and open mindedness. It's so hard to explain, but when I'm in this tiny little city it really feels like I'm on the outside of life looking in and I can't do it anymore. I'm going to miss him like crazy, but I'm dying here.

I don't know where I was going with this, but oh well, here I am! I was trying to think about if there was anyone else I felt the need to tell about myself lately and I think there's only one other person on the list, and I'm hoping to go visit her in the end of this month, hopefully I can bring it up and tell her, I know she'll be o.k. but a bit shocked. And once again I think alot of things are going to fall into place and things will make a little more sense to her.

Eh, so anyway, that's all for today, just thought I'd type a bit.

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