So I have been finding myself lately with a little extra money. You're probably thinking to yourself the same thing I was thinking.....How can this be? I had a good December for all three of my jobs and I've been saving a few dollars here and there and I finally went out and got a few new pieces of clothes.
Yes, finally, I haven't boughten any new clothes in nearly two years, most of my clothes has holes in it and it's just terrible, so I finally got a few dollars together to get some new stuff. We drive all the way to Monroe Michigan to the outlet store up there (the one for fat people like me) and find it is no longer in existance. DRATS! But we stopped at a few places in Toledo and I found some new things for myself, a few new shirts at least. Then I spent some christmas money and ordered my new pair of jeans to replace the most comfortable and incredible pair of jeans I've ever owned. It took me a while to find the right size, the right build and the right color to match what I had, but I did it. I have never spent more than $25 on a pair of jeans, but to get these specific jeans I just shelled out $50. I still can't believe it, if that outlet store would still be open I could have gotten them for around $20! But I really need jeans and I really wanted these. I work hard, I should be able to have one or two nice things right? I knew you'd agree.
So as I wear each new piece of clothing I feel lost in a philisophical thought. I notice my tastes change with ever new closet of clothes I get. One year it's all dark and dismal, and the next I try out new colors, greens and oranges and reds. But not just the color, but the styles. I have found I like button up shirts more comfortable than t-shirts and such but as I wear my clothes it makes me think about my life. It's a stretch I know.
Some would think of the obvious connection of colors like black would represent a dark period in my life, and in maybe some form that's true, but that's not what I was thinking so stop hijacking my thoughts will ya? ; )
I've been thinking that I dress for who I am in my head. I'm big on trying things on because sometimes that gets away from me. Sometimes the person I think I am can not pull off some of the styles I think I should, things just don't fit right, or they just look horrible on me. Yet when I think about who I am on the inside, I feel like I can never dress like I feel. Then it starts a track to start to wonder how much different my life would be if I fit into the clothes I've pictured for myself.
There are days I sit in this store, helping customers, talking to customers and hearing them talk, and I wonder...."What the heck am I doing here?" I always pictured myself in a city, somewhere away from here. I pictured myself much thinner by now with some really nice clothes to help the outside match the inside, you know? I just keep thinking...How the hell did I get here? There are so many answers to that question, there are so many more questions that appear with that question though too. On the inside I feel like a slick black tuxedo, and on the outside I feel like a frumpy old ratty t-shirt and jeans that is not appealing at all.
So how do I become the tuxedo? How do I take this image of my outside and transform it to the inside, and how did I get here to begin with? How do I keep slipping back into comfort zones? Why don't I push myself harder to get to where I want to be? How do I know this is where I am supposed to be? Who the hell am I?
I've been playing the cards that have been dealt to me, and it's been o.k. I've had some great fun, met tons of very cool people and have lived both sides of life, the city life and Nap. life. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, and worse yet, I'm not sure anymore where I want to be. I moved back to this area for reasons that weren't really here to begin with, reasons I thought were so solid, and yet I find they aren't anymore. I moved away from the city I was near for very solid reasons and I still feel that way.
I think we are always led to where we are for a reason, wether or not we know what it is, but I can't stand that, what is my reason for being here? Was it to save the store? Was it to be near my family? Was it to help someone that comes in here? I just get lost.
Lately I've been feeling like I'm standing on the outside of this party called life and just watching it go on without me. I feel like I'm ouside looking in and I'm not sure what that means or how it's supposed to make me feel, or what's wrong, or even if it is wrong. I want to join the party, I want to dance to the thumpa thumpa thumpa (not literatly, anyone who has seen me dance can attest to that) of the music of life. Oh how I wish to feel alive again.
I just need to figure out how to be the black slick tuxedo I see myself as instead of the ratty old clothes that are only suitable for painting your house in.
I'm starting to think I should sleep more. ; )
Have a wonderful day/night/afternoon (whenever you're reading this)!!!