Friday, February 29, 2008

Ah yes.

Yes, so I went back to my part time job last night after a week off for vacation and was pleasently surprised at the good time I had. It's not the people I hate, it's the need for the job in the first place. For the most part the crew I work with is so much fun, I get annoyed with the other parts of management that seem to be driven by drama, but I get past that, I don't work with them normally.

So last night I got to see all three of my favorite guys. Each one very different from the other, and yet they make me giddy the same. The one is tall, very slender and a total computer geek, but he's so dang cute and he's a big fan of mine, just not in the way I want, but he's fun and I enjoy working with him. Guy #2 is more of a working man type of guy, still young and immature and loaded with hormones. He has this thing with playing with my ass, it's all part of this constant gay bantar everyone seems to have, it's all fun and games and keeps time moving. He likes to caress my butt and laughs because I don't move away, I just let him go. This gets everyone laughing histerically. I really should batt his hands away, but it feels so nice, why would I do that? He's also really great at giving me back rubs. If only half of the things he said to me came true, I'd be one happy fella, well at least for a bit.

The third one is probably my favorite. Great eyes, great smile and he loves to hug me, I swear they spoil me. He's not scrawny, he's not built, he's just right. He's smart, sophisticated and if he was gay I'd run away with him forever. How sad right? But it's because of these feelings that I know I could fall in love, I could let someone love me, I know that I could be in a relationship which is a huge step for me. I'm happy about it. Now if only I could find some gay men as options for myself. Not going to have much luck around here, well not fully. I've been contacted by a few guys interested in talking to me on one of the online dating things I've registered with. But in order to contact them I need to subscribe and that's money I can't afford right now. How sad that life revolves around money so much.

So this past weekend I went out of town and stayed with an old college friend. She still doesn't know and I've thought about telling her a few times, but it's never the right time and not the right place. This time I didn't worry about it so much, I just figured if it was the right time I'd just tell her, if not, then I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like I'm broadcasting it on a bill board or anything, you know, just the world wide web! HA!

Yeah I know, my life is sad, but it's really not. I've been trying to learn more about my anxiety as it's taken it's toll this week. I've had a few more episodes than I usually do and not sure why. Probably the lack of money to pay my bills this month has alot to do with it. But I'll get through it. I think there is a deeper problem though, I do think it's a chemical thing. When I have too much going on at once I really start to freak out about it, I have to self contain it so people don't realize I'm flipping out so my heart starts racing and my vision gets a little wierd. After an hour or so it passes. I've gotten some suggestions on how to go about a fix, but it's going to take some time and courage.

So our trip to the club next week is going back and forth between yes and no, not sure what will happen exactly. I really enjoy going out once in awhile and it's been awhile. I'm not a dancer but I enjoy people watching and hanging out with friends, and gay night has it's advantages of having men around that could be a possibility, if even a small chance, it's nice to be around of people on the same page.

So I found a great little key ring, just the ring and have been wearing it as a thumb ring. I've always wanted a thumb ring because I thought they were pretty cool. I found some online but was always afraid I wouldn't really like it, so I've been wearing this thing trying it out. People are a little wierd about it. I didn't expect people to notice, but it seems everyone sees it. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but what are they thinking when they stare at it? I always stared because the people always had such a cool ring. I don't know, I think I'm crazy, but I think I'm going to order one anyway, something to make me feel better. ; )

Well I think that's all for today, pretty random, but I had to write about my boys and get them out of my head for a bit. Now that I know people will sometimes read this I couldn't exactly write down exactly the dirty thoughts in my head, but that's probably for the best. ; )

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