Saturday, February 9, 2008

How did I get here?

So lately I've been wondering how I ended back up in this podunk town. How did I really convince myself that was the best option? Was it friends? Was it family? I'm just not sure.

I feel like I'm suffocating here and I'm not sure how to get through it. I've considered moving, and while I haven't forgotten that thought it's not something I can do right now. The market is horrible which means no jobs and no sale of my real estate. So I have to figure out what to do to make this place more bareable.

I love my friends, the few that still remain, I really do, but I feel like I have no one to really talk to. And that's really not true either. What it comes down to is I have no time to have an intellectual conversation, the few times one sparks is when I'm at work and I get interupted a thousand times or can't say what I want to say because certain ears are around, so the conversation ends before it gets good. The time outside of work we seem to spend so much time trying to make each other laugh that there is no good time to discuss serious issues, or bring them up. Kind of like a mood killer, you know? I love to laugh, I love to have fun, but I miss discussing life situations, or telling stories from the days gone by. I have such an eclectic group of friends I would think it would so easy, and yet between timing and moods, I still have none.

I spend so much time blogging and having internet conversations because my real life doesn't have room for them, and yet it's so unfulfilling. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for for my life? Unfulfilling. I don't travel, I don't do good things for people, I don't even have the time to help the needy or even just drop by a friend's house who's having a rough time. I spoke with a friend I haven't seen in several months the other day and found out she lost three very close people to her since I've seen her and her mother found out she has cancer. I mean, damn. Where was I? Why couldn't I have stopped by and said hello, how ya doin?

This life I find myself in is just insane. It's nothing that I pictured and nothing that I've dreamed about, or even hoped for. Somehow I've landed myself in a strange place. It's not that I'm horribly in trouble or anything. I am truely blessed with great friends, a loving family, a roof over my head, food to eat, three freakin jobs, and so on and so forth, and yet days like today I'm sitting here lonely and sad. I don't understand how I can be these things. I have no connection to the outside world besides the computer so I feel my conversation skills are at a loss as well. I have a hard time holding conversations on my own and letting the other person just feed in information. I used to be able to do that, to spark a conversation about random things and yet I find myself now just sitting in silence.

So really, how the hell did I get here? I'm not the person I want to be, how do I do that? There is a great person inside that is dying to get out, to live life and have more adventures, and yet that person is being drowned by the mundane life I have found myself in. No traveling, no adventure, nothing. I used to have fun, I used to go places and do things and experience new things and for the last 2 1/2 years I've been inside the city limits of this small town being killed slowly. For some people this place is perfect for, the safety the protection and the familiarity of it all. But I'm not one of those people, what made me think I was? What made me think I could be happy here? I'll never find a relationship in this life, even if I could find a relationship it wouldn't last, I work too much. And even if all that worked out, how could I live in a gay relationship in this town?

I'm at such a loss right now. I just want to get out, I want to do things, I want to see things and I want to experience. I want to think back to some times and remember how much fun we had doing such random things. Years ago friends and I would go to random shows, or visit random tourist places fairly local, we would hunt out the haunted areas around town and have an adventure. We would take sparadic trips to other towns around and just visit places. We'd drive 2 hours to eat dinner in a new place, just because we could. I miss those times. I miss doing new things. I sit here day after day doing the same damn thing. When people want to go do things, they are the same things over and over, everyone has found a rut and seems o.k. with it, but I'm not. I want to live, I want to see things and meet people and learn things. But for now...I'm stuck.

So anyway, I'm off to do some laundry and get ready for another job, so bye.

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