Wednesday, February 20, 2008


So what is it about the thoughts of failure that bring out the thoughts of death in me? Don't get all freaked out, I'd never kill myself, I learned how to deal with that years ago, but really, what is it? Does death really have that strong of appeal? I spend too much time being freaked out about death because I can't comprehend it and yet when I start to realize failure that's where my mind goes. It's so not right.

Things have been rough lately and they are only getting worse it seems. The hardest part is I have no answers and no one I know is able to help me. I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle and there have been so many times over the years that have tested that theory, but when will it stop hurting so much.

I lay in bed at night praying to God to take it from me. I don't feel I'm strong enough to just hand it over. It's not that I don't think he can handle it for me, it's my need to take personal responsibility. Like I don't want to hand it off to God because it's my problem and I need to take care of it. I also have problems praying so much about money. Not about financial success but merely financial stability. To have the funds required to float along. I'm so rich in so many other ways, am I greedy for wanting this last bit of stability? I have issues, this I know.

So I answered my own problem really about feeling like a failure and yet I'm rich in so many other ways, but why is it then I still feel like a complete failure? Why do I still feel so worthless? Why do I feel like a coward? Why is it I still feel that I have nothing to give to the human race for any purpose? I feel like I keep trying and somehow I always screw it up, somehow I let everyone down and ruin people. How? I battle with this so much when the check book is down, am I linking financial stability with success or even sanity?

At the same time if I give up on this dream, what makes me think I will make it in another avenue in life? What makes me think I can make a go of another life. How many times will I try before I figure it all out? Will I ever make it?

In a more direct sense, how is it I can sit in front of a blank piece of paper and create a home fit for any client out of nothing, but I can't come up with an inexpensive and creative way to advertise this business? How is it I can take a piece of glass and create an interesting piece of art but I can't seem to draw people into this store and save them money? I just need help.

I've considered calling the realtor and listing this place as is and starting the process, but I'm not done yet. I'm not done with my vision, I'm not done yet. If I can survive this it will help me secure a more stable future and allow me to end this on my terms, to not destroy the people that have a stake in this as well, and to not disappoint anyone, including myself. But how.

I'm looking forward to leaving town this weekend, to get out of my head and get away from this building. Sometimes it just surrounds me and takes me over and it drives me crazy!! I need to clear my head and get a fresh start at it. To have conversations that aren't all about the store. Oh how I can't wait.

So I'm sorry this isn't happiness and roses and fuzzy little bunnies, but that's what's going on right now. I have friends that are having problems too. So far 2008 is not going so well, it just has to get better.

1 comment:

  1. Oh honey...of course your mood is linked to your financial stability. We have been to saturated and to minded effed into believing that our worth lies in our earthly treasures and not in God.
    But listen to I know you ALWAYS do ;)

    It is not selfish to pray for financial stability. Not even a little bit.
    God is interested in every aspet of who you are, and that includes your checkbook.
    Not to mention, if you want to move towards honoring God with your finances, then stability MUST come first right? So pray for it.

    I used to call those throw em out and then take em back prayers fishing pole prayers. I was a control freak (and you know I still am in some ways)and thought that I could do it better.
    But remember that Nooma we watched about luggage at my place? How not trusting God is like saying you can do it better then him?
    How's that going?
    It will most likely always be a struggle to submit to God and give him your deepest and most hurtful need in prayer...but you will absolutely reap the rewards.
    God didn't promise us life would be easy, but he wants for us a life filled with experiences that will build us up closer to him and that we can use to shine a light on him. He's working in this too love, I promise...we just can't see how yet.

    So I'll end this novel with a Mother Teresa quote:

    "God says he'll never give you more then you can handle. Sometimes I just wish he didn't trust me so much"

    I mean honesly right! Please don't beat yourself up for getting down. Even Mother Teresa, who is being put through the sainthood process got down.
    I love you honey *muah*