Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last night

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I toss and turned for hours before I finally passed out from exhaustion. I just couldn't get my head wrapped around my life and the future I have before me. I spent several hours last evening listening to my parents talk about the business selling and my future and such and I couldn't get my head around it.

Then last night as I laid down to go to sleep it kind of hit me for a few moments and what happened was a flood of insecurities. I couldn't stop asking myself, what's next? What's the plan? You're about to sell your business, move to a new city with no job and no plan. I mean seriously, what the hell? Am I really that crazy? When I did that last time I was at least going to school, but this time there is no school, no job prospects....am I seriously brave enough to take this leap?

I keep telling myself over and over that I am brave enough to do this, that this is what I need is a leap of faith, a leap of faith in myself. I hate meeting new people, especially when it comes to new jobs, new responsibilities, new coworkers, building new relationships, etc... I feel as if I'm completely out of my league. Under this facade of cool and calm that's looking forward to starting over in a new city with new opportunities is a guy that's completely freaking out.

I wonder if this is why I can't see this deal really happening in front of my own eyes. Am I choosing to not accept it yet because it will bring on a really big freak out? I can only imagine what a mess I could potentially be.

I know that deep down inside I'm qualified for a lot of different jobs, I'm a good person that makes such wonderful friends and already has such wonderful friends there to build on to....but it's just so not me to really do it.

It's going to be an interesting journey and a lot of pushing myself in ways I haven't had to do in quite some time. I hope I remember how to.

I actually considered finding a new job around here and sticking around for awhile, I know I'm going to miss things, I'm going to miss people, I'm going to miss family, but I also know that I just can't be totally happy here. I'll never find a good job, I'll never allow myself to be who I really am, and I'll never really reach my potential here.

I'm just so filled with so many emotions, if I had the time I could probably write four more blogs on the things that have happened and the thoughts that have crossed my mind over the last couple of days, but I'm tired and I need to get to bed.

Hopefully I'll remember it all, but I doubt it. lol.
Have a great night.

3 comments:

  1. Just remember that you have all of us (and you know who we are) to lean on when things get rough or you just need to vent! We're here 'cause we love you, and whether you own the store or not, whether you work in this field or that, we'll still be here.

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  2. Alright Pete listen up.
    I love you and I say this out of the utmost love and respect for you.
    SNAP OUT OF IT!

    Ok, I feel better now. Did you picture Cher in Moonlighting or whatever that movie with Nicholas Cage was? Because that's what I was aiming for...no? Well that's strange.
    If you figure out how to snap out of it let me know :)

    Now....seriously...
    Remember when you kept apologizing to me about the electricity in the bathroom and I asked you why you were apologizing? This is like that. I will straight up KICK YOUR ASS if you stay in Napoleon. I know you love people that live there, but leaving Napoleon doesn't reduce your love for them. I know that you love a thing or two about that town itself because of the time you've spent there, your leaving doesn't reduce the affection you have for that town.
    Leaving is hard Pete, it's very hard and it's very brave. It's also totally worth it.
    You are a smart, lovely, funny, kind, motivated man and there is no doubt in my mind that wherever you go you will succeed and have friends that cherish you. I also have no doubt that the place that will all happen is no longer where you live now. You have put your blood sweat and tears into that town and your time there is coming to an end. Staying because you're terrified of what is outside of there (for whatever reason) will only make the constraints you feel being there feel tighter.

    It's ok to be sad, it's ok to be scared, just keep moving forward.

    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " Anais Nin

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  3. Thanks guys. I doubt myself and my life choices often, but I know that it's going to be wonderful.

    How could it not be with such awesome people in my life like you guys!!

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