Updates long over due...

Wow, it has been a little while since I've written anything substantial. I've had things in my head for weeks that are long gone, and some that are reoccurring.

Christmas was quite a whirlwind of activity, one that I'm just now starting to recover from! On the business side, the month of December has been very good to me, something I could actually get used to. I managed to pay most of my bills this month! To top things off I ran my yearly reports for the accountant and found that the business actually profited this year! It's really kind of scary because I have NO idea where it went, but by the time we get done with our write offs I'll be back in the poor house. lol. But anyway, December had me up late, running myself ragged and I'm glad it's over.

Christmas eve was nice as in I got to close early after an exhausting day. I then met up with some friends of mine and had christmas with their family and we played cards for quite awhile. It was like Christmas should be, it felt really good to be a part of it. That night I attended our awesome candlight service with the family, it's one of my favorite services, and honestly the first service I've been there in awhile. I'm ashamed I haven't been there in so long, but my body has not been adjusting very well to these countless hours and Sundays have been my day to rest. But the service was wonderful.

Christmas Day I usually attend the service, but my body did not let me move. I could not force myself out of bed to save my life. I had a acumulative total of 6 hours of sleep in the last 5 days and I just couldn't do it. I woke up sad and disappointed in myself for allowing physical needs get in the way of one day, one service, one hour to give to God, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I beat myself up for quite awhile over that, and sometimes I still do. It has unleashed moments of anger towards myself even a week later. I has me thinking quite a bit about balance, and my life is anything but, but I'll get into that later.

I did manage to make it my parents for lunch. We had our usual Christmas dinner and I had a great time just relaxing with the family and enjoying being with them. No store, no deadlines, no orders, no bills, just plain regular old family time. I get so little of that, it was nice. Later in the afternoon I stopped off at a friend's house and attended a little dinner party they were having. I had a very good time and met a few new people. After that I came home and just relaxed, I allowed myself some time to regenerate and just be. I needed it.

For new years this year I decided to go out. Last year I enjoyed spending it by myself and home alone, but this year I was asked to go out to dinner with some friends, so I went. The night went well, no drama, no couple's fighting, none of the usual activities that happen when I attend events with couples, so I was happy. We went to dinner at a place called Tea Tree, it's an elegant oriental place with a fantastic sushi bar. It was a bit over priced, but I enjoyed it all the same, I'm just not used to paying for a nice dinner anymore, I gave that up three years ago when I quit my money making job. It felt nice to pamper myself.

After dinner we headed back to Scott's to have a few drinks and bring in the new year. Little did we know that the couples that were there didn't plan on staying until midnight, so by 10:30 the two single guys were left staring at each other. We talked quite a bit and had a few more drinks, then a couple of other friends came over, and we had a few more drinks. I got home later than I anticipated and was very bored the next day while I was open. I really shouldn't have been open because no one leaves the house on New Year's Day, next year I'll remember that and take a day off.

All in all it's been pretty wild, I've been double booked nearly every night that I haven't been working, which aren't that many. It seems like everyday I'm not working I have to fill with people to see and things to do. This weekend I left open on purpose, I avoided making plans and I avoided comitting myself to doing anything but being home.

While I was living in Michigan there were so many weekends I had to myself, to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I could spend time regenerating. There were weekends I went out with friends, and weekends I stayed home and took care of myself. The last three years I've lost that time, time for myself. I have so little free time these days I find myself bouncing from friend to friend, from family to friends, from one event to another. I find myself feeling guilty because I haven't seen someone in awhile so I'll plan to see them, and then the next weekend I feel guilty beccause I missed so and so, and then there are new friends that want me to stop by and I find it difficult to carve out time for that too. I'm just constantly running all the time and I end up losing myself in the mess.

My house is nothing like I prefer to keep it because I don't have the time, and when the house is a mess, my mind is a mess and then my life becomes a mess. In the last week while I've been sick I've been trying to dodge people and I've managed to get my living room and my kitchen clean and suddenly my work is done on time and I can think clearly. I still have a few more rooms to get done, but they'll have to wait. Today I had to drive to Toledo through the fog to get stock for the store, then had to meet the bowling team to watch them bowl (another guilt trip) and then they tried to talk me into going out, or hosting them all, I don't know how, but I found my way out of it all. I opted to use the time for me. :)

It's not that I wouldn't enjoy having the bowling team over, but not in my house. My house is not guest ready, I'm still embaressed, and I'm very uncomfortable about having parties at my house because it's like an open buffet for people. People slip out and grab a drink, or they make themselves a sandwich, or grab a beer, all out of the store, and I already paid for it once, to lose that kind of profit in this kind of business drives me crazy. If it was in my house and I had bought it for personal use, then by all means, but don't go out and eat my profit, that really gets to me. I don't keep food or drink in the house, so I don't like to have people over, yet it's so hard to get people to see that.

So anyway, I was asked today about a New Year's resolution, and to be honest, I tried to think of some, I really did. But what I find is I never make them happen, so this year I told myseld I would just promise to try. I'm going to try and get healthier this year. To make better food choices, to monitor the foods and amounts of those foods I eat. In doing this I may or may not lose weight, it's not going to be the goal, the goal is to get healthier. Whenever I tell myself I'm out lose weight, I fail, so this year I'm just going to start paying attention. The other suggestion I've made to myself is to be more of myself. To stop caring so much about what others are going to think and start being more of myself around more people. To stop beating around the bush if they piss me off, or if they are doing something hurtful to me or people I care about. Life is too short to not be.

Where will these things take me? I'm hoping for a very eventful year. I have these ideas and plans in my head that I'm hoping take place this year, but if they don't I won't be crushed, I hate to set myself up for that. I'm just going to continue to roll with the punches and take life head on. This is my life.

How's that for an update Jake? I hope the length and context makes up for the lack of updates during the month of December. lol. :)