Monday, September 29, 2008

I finally got the opportunity

After many times of trying to find the time and place to come out to L, I finally did it this weekend. We were up chatting for quite awhile. She came to my room because she had went away with a very cute guest and did what the single drunken bridesmaid is known for, she messed around with him. It's just not her style, and I should have tried more to convince her of that before she left with him, but he was just too cute and she seemed to know what she wanted.

So later she comes to my room because she regretted it, and because he was an asshole. He told her he was going to get some ice and didn't come back. I probably could have seen that coming if he didn't have an ass that wouldn't quit, but lust is blind at times. LOL.

So I'm consoling her and she starts with the "I'm an idiot" conversations that happen in situations like this, and I'm not sure what compelled me, or made me think it was appropriate timing, but it was just the two of us finally and it felt right so I leaned over and offered my consolation...."You're not an idiot, I'm gay and I would have done the same thing with him" She took to screaming in no time. LOL.

Now I am not one to complain about any of my coming out stories so far, they have each been wonderful, nothing going badly and everyone making me feel good about myself, so those that are reading this that I have come out to, take no offense to this because each relationship is different, but L's reaction was so different and so awesome. It might have been my favorite moment so far. We were up for another two or three hours talking, she has been by far the most inquisitive, it was like a flood gate of questions and answers was opened, and it's been the most honest I've been in quite some time, and it felt wonderful. Not that I'm going around lying about everything, but her questions hit on topics no one has yet, probably because most of you wouldn't want to know the answers, but L is like that. Our relationship has always been so different than most, not better, just so different. The conversations are different and the topics take on so many different directions and level of openness is just different. Not that I hold back information, but her questions are so different.

We haven't had a really in depth conversation like that in awhile and it was so liberating, I've been on a high ever since. It wasn't all about me, but it opened a flood gate of information from her, I kept laughing asking her why she didn't tell me when she thought I was straight. But I guess there are just somethings that women don't think straight men wouldn't understand or want to listen to, not being one, I couldn't tell you. LOL.

What she thought was so funny was she said her friend C told her I was gay after five minutes of meeting me 8 years ago and she laughed at her. Her friend C was with her that weekend and came over to my room this morning and gave me a great big hug and congragulated me on my "gayness", we got a good laugh out of that one.

I just feel so good right now, I can only hope the rest of my experiences are as good as the first ones.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

What a great weekend

Weekend meaning Saturday and Sunday. I don't include Friday's on my weekend unless I actually get to do something. ;) But any way, onto the weekend...

So the plan was to work Saturday morning until about 2pm when I had a friend coming in to watch the store so I could head up to Michigan to Shelly's wedding. It was going to be a tight schedule, but I figured I could do it as long as I was ready before I left, checked in real quick at the hotel and jumped the shuttle to the service, I figured it would be o.k.

Well I'm getting ready at 5 till 9am to open the store and the front door chime goes off, I just figured it was my brother and finished getting ready. I went to go out into the store and the lights were on and Jen was standing at the counter. I nearly freaked out, she looked at me and asked if she had the right day...I told her I was surprised she was here early. She decided that since her kid was gone for the day and her husband was busy for the day that she would come in and give the whole day off! I was so excited.

So after I wrapped my mind around the idea I got some errands ran I wasn't sure was going to happen and got to spend a few minutes supervising the building of the cabana I designed. I got to leave early for Michigan and stop and get a carryout order from my favorite Thai restaurant and got to check in early at the hotel and take my time getting ready up there.

I hooked up with Leigh Ann's friend Cara and jumped the shuttle to the wedding. What a wedding it was. The ceremony was simple and elegant, no flowers, they used feathers instead and it was beautiful. The dinner was even greater, the food the company and the entertainment were beyond expectations! And the open bar helped. I thought I would avoid dancing, but by about 11:30 I had more than enough liquid courage and everyone but our core group of LTU friends were left, so we danced it up on the dance floor. A bunch of white boys looking like they were having seizures and the girls laughing at us, we had a blast.

After the D.J. and the band were done we jumped the shuttle back to the hotel, which made it all the better. We decided that we apparently didn't have nearly enough to drink and the best man was having an after party at the hotel so Leigh Ann and I went and had a blast. When I finally decided I had enough, sometime in the early morning, or late night, I headed back to my room. A few minutes later Leigh Ann showed up and we proceeded to stay up talking until around 5am, it had been too long since we were able to catch up, it was great. She headed back to her room and I passed out, suddenly at 8am I was awake. I decided I was still drunk and fell back asleep. An hour later my body decided I had slept enough. I lounged around in my awesome hotel room watching t.v. and just lounging, it was great. Leigh Ann and Cara came down a few times and we all chatted, and laughed at Leigh Ann who seemed to be a bit hung over, I wasn't, I'm not sure why, I had more to drink than the rest of them, I guess that doesn't bode well for me. ;)

So about noon I took off and came back home. I helped my dad and brother with more of the cabana construction, then came home and fell asleep. Now I'm not tired....again. What a cycle. LOL.

So anyway that's my weekend, it was so great, new people, old friends, and great times. I love having weekends I'll always remember, another one of those times that will be forever engraved into my mind. I love it!

So that's all, have a great one!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

It's always the darkest before the dawn.

Yeah, so I just want to know who on earth came up with that phrase, I mean really, duh, of course it's the darkest! It's like saying you always find what you're looking for in the last place you look, do you really want to look more after you found it?

Anyway....

The title is the truth, the cloud is still here, but I'm fighting better. The thing I hate most about this part of shooing the cloud is the things that are revealed in the aftermath of it's destruction. It forces me to take a good look at myself and find the things that I need to work on. While Bethany pointed out many of the good qualities that people see in me during our tough love chat this afternoon, I have hard time seeing them all. It's just human nature. But as I sit here I realize I could see those things in the person I was, the person that I've gaged and stuffed into the trunk of my mind, and I don't know why, or how to get out.

I have the reputation of a grumpy grocer, it's not who I am, why is it I can't be who I am? How do I open the trunk and let the old me back out? Why is it I can't be happy and bubbly all day guy that I used to be? How do I make that transformation and beat down all the negativity and put on my happy face again? How can you be happy when it seems the entire world is crumbling around you? When your check book is empty, the economy is horrible and the customers are in such bad moods and there just seems like there is no hope left? How do I become the ray of hope?

I know the simple answers: Hire someone to help with the day to day and get more sleep. I know both of those things would help so much, and yet it's just not going to happen, so what do I do in the mean time? How do I get through this part of my life? How do I take this transitional business and make it bearable to me? Where do I find my passion again?

There are some very good answers and some very good conclusions I've come up with for these questions, but I can't exactly post all of them, and I'm not sure how the answers are related to the questions and if they can answer all the questions, so I'm left stumped. I'm left with all these questions and answers and trying to piece them back together again.

It seems like I go through this at least once a month, I need to get out more, I need to take a step back and get a grip, and of course.....I need a nap.

I see the future, I just need to see the path, and in the process I'm hoping to find myself again and take myself out to dinner.

It's not over, but the cloud is breaking up.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

F**k you cloud

I get it, you're more powerful than me, you win.

F**, off cloud, F**k off.

Temper is flaring, tears are forming.

You win again.

I hate you.

I see you cloud

I will not let the cloud win today. I'm watching it heading this way, I can feel it's over powering presence, but I won't let it win.

I can't let it win.

I will stay in control.

Screw you cloud, things are rough right now, but they are that way a lot, for once, just once I want to beat you, I want to survive this day, I'm not going to let you have today, not this time.

I will win.

I'm tired of losing to you, I'm tired of bitching, and I'm tired of whining.

Today you will not win.

Today is going to be my victory over you.

Broke or not, I'll kick your ass.

I have to.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I don't understand

I don't understand how people can go through life thinking everything is either black or white, that people can be so arrogant to believe that they know the difference and they are so knowledgeable that there is no gray area in life.

I mean seriously, I'm not so confident and arrogant that I can make judgement calls on how people live, or what they think, I'm not them, and not experiencing what they are.

I'm so frustrated with this whole thing I could scream. It would be one thing to state that it is your belief that this is the way it is, how in the hell can you state "This is certainly so because the way I read this book that was written over 2000 years ago states something like this.."

I'm so angry.

I understand that the bible is the word of God, but there are so many problems I have with that statement. A man put these books of the bible together and said it was so. Are you telling me there is no doubt in anyone else's mind that some of these writters didn't input some of their own personal ideas? That you were there when it was written so you know exactly the circumstances of what was written?

When I bring these questions to the surface I'm made to feel like such a heathen, like I'm allowed to question organized religion, but to question the bible is work of the devil. I can't follow it, some people would view this as an escape to explain myself, but these people are not me, have not experience what I have, and do not live in my mind.

How can you tell me that homosexuality is a choice? That it is a symptom of a wound from the past when you have never experienced it, when you have never lived in my skin. I don't expect others to understand, but don't speak about it as if it's a black and white issue when you have never lived my life.

I doubt anyone who reads this can really follow my thoughts, or even understand where I'm coming from, and it's just that much more frustrating. I just wish I could switch lives with people, or let them experience me from the inside of the mind for 24 hours. It would be such a great way to learn more about each other, and the human race in general.

A good analogy would be a situation where a woman is telling a man what it's like to have a penis, or vise versa. One really has NO idea about the other, only assumptions.

Just in general, don't make judgment calls on people unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.

ARG.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Oh dark cloud of dispair....

Yes, the dark cloud that comes around once in awhile reared it's ugly fluffy face recently. It only lasted a couple of days really, but I feel it's presense like it's just around the corner waiting for me, just waiting to pounce.

I can't really explain what was wrong, or if there really was anything wrong, it's just once in awhile I get so down and depressed. My mind starts thinking to the past and thinking into the future, but it's never good, it's always the bad things that did happen and the bad things that could happen. The people I've lost and the people I think I'll lose later on. It's like every bad part of me becomes so apparent, so visible, that I can't hide it, I can't shade it with the good parts of me. It's rather overwhelming at first.

I think some of it has to do with the shows I catch from time to time, or a sad movie that invites that cloud. What's funny is sometimes it's just as easy to scare it off with a good movie, or an uplifting story, or just surround myself in person with funny people. You wanna hear something even sadder and help for saying this.....I caught an episode of Tabitha's Salon takeover on Bravo, and it was uplifting enough to get me out of a funk. Yeah, that speaks volumes about me, but it works. It takes on the whole 80's sitcom theory, that all problems can be solved in 30 minutes. This raging bitch goes into hair salons and sees the worse and shows them how to be better and helps them, it's so simple and it's addicting. It helped me see that much of the problem was myself and I needed to pull myself out of the funk and get my shit together.

Today I tore apart my office, I started at the top shelf and worked my way down to the floor. If the spaces around me are a mess....so am I. It took all afternoon and lots of swear words, but I did it, and it's beautiful!!! I forced myself to send letters I'd been putting off, finish some invoices and finally shed some of the old junk I've been holding on to. There is still a pile of things I need to acomplish in the next week or two, but it's managable and orgainzed, and I feel soooo much better.

I'm starting to figure myself out, if that makes sense. I'm slowly catching on to what makes me tick, what sets me off and what keeps me level. I can't always stop these crazy times from happening, but I'm slowly learning how to set it back straight and start helping myself instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Part of it had to do with the huge pile of paperwork I found from last year. Everything involving my bankruptsy case was all kept together and I started going through it, and remembering last year at this time, just what a mess everything was. How uncertain the future was, how unstable I was mentally, and the wad of emotions I was. Thinking back to listening to the phone ring, knowing it was one of the many lawyers on the other end just waiting to threaten me again, or throwing bills away because I couldn't stand to see them sitting around not getting paid. I'm not saying I was smart about everything, but then I remembered how it felt when I walked out of the court. That feeling of overwhelming relief, it was so sudden and so strong I sat in my car and cried. I remember letting it all go in one quick swoop, in private in my car at the top of the parking garage. I remember what a relief it was, and how I told myself it would never be this bad again.

So I went through my accounting program and started running reports, and while my sales are down about $5,000 from last year, I may actually show a profit this year. Don't ask me where it is, or how it happened, but it felt good to know that I've gotten this far. Daily life is still a struggle in this place, but I'm making it, I'm surviving, to beat all odds come December 1, I'll have made it here 3 full years. That's beating out 80% of the statistics out there for a small business. It gave me hope, it renewed my faith, and it just made me take stock in what I have. It's not much, but I'm not nearly in the shape I was a year ago.

I'm still scared to death of the what the future holds, but looking back over the last 31 years, I've survived it all, I've always come out better and God watches over me. Tomorrow I may not be so optimistic, but I've learned to appreciate it while it's here.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I miss him

Yes, I know you are probably tired of hearing it, or about him, but it's my blog.

I miss him.

So much.

Just a smile or a hello just to tide me over.


I should have drank tonight.

What?

So I think I'm trying to eat myself to death. I swear I would eat all day long if I let myself. I'm surrounded by horrible food all day and all night, and it's all I eat. I can't seem to satisfy my hunger and it's starting to scare the hell out of me.

My mind has been racing all night, maybe it's not good to take a night to myself.

I'm scared, I'm depressed, I'm lonely, all at the same time and it's a bit freaky.

All this and I haven't had any caffeine or alcohol today.

WTF???

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Myspace blogs....

For those readers who read both the myspace blogs as well as this one, have no fear I'm not tagging anyone again....and I expect the same from you! LOL.


I’ve been tagged

Bethany tagged me, I have never done one of these and haven't blogged in awhile, there will be something more coming, as soon as I have a day to clear my head.

I'm not sure I'm going to do this right, I'm assuming it's 10 random thoughts or something like that.

1: I'm horrible at writing about myself if I don't prepare for it, even at these random thoughts and activities.

2: I have become completely obsessed with blogs and can't get enough of them, and I'm so sad that I have the time throughout the day to do that.

3: Most days I feel like a complete failure in nearly everything I do, but on random days I feel on top of the world....then I think I'm bipolar.

4: I'm hoping that one year from now I will be living a very different life with a new attitude.

5: Tonight I gave the new mexican restaurant in town a second chance, and it was worth it, now if I could only apply that attitude in my everyday life with people.

6: I can't ever envision myself having a kid, or even pets, I have problems with people depending on me.


7: I'm totally caught up in Sex in the City reruns and I don't care what people think.

8: There are people I can't get out of my mind and it drives me crazy, some of which I have never met.

9: No matter how terrified I am about new things, I know I can do them because if it feels right, it just comes naturally to me.

10: Seeing needles at a doctors office freaks me out, but needles at the dentist don't bother me at all.

I'm tagging Genia, Billie (yeah, I'm calling you out), and Beth.



I know, it’s been awhile.

Yes I know it's been awhile since I've blogged about anything, I'm a bad blogger. I got caught up in the Mobster game and when I'm logged onto myspace it allows people to fight me and take all my money, and I was too greedy for that. But now that I'm bored with the game and have millions saved up, I figured, oh well, enough of that. :)

So how's everyone doing? I have heard from or emailed or whatever several of you, and some of you follow me on my blogger blog, so I'm not sure what else to say. LOL.

Last week I had a terrible toothache, it had been a pain off and on for a few weeks, I just figured it would go away, but sadly it didn't. A week ago I was up until 4am crying from the pain, I just couldn't do anything to get it to go away. I was in no financial position to do anything about it, but I forced myself to make an appointment at the local dental clinic. After a humiliating experience and rotten service I still didn't get my tooth fixed so that's when I made the appointment with my family dentist and Natasha and her dad helped me get rid of the pain until the appointment. Well I ended up with a root canal, after they finally got the one nerve numb (it was no easy task) everything was fine. The only pain was in the jaw from having my mouth open that wide for so long, but that too has passed.

Other than that life has been normal. I managed to get to Cincinatti for Labor day, it was great being closed on Monday and be able to see some friends and help Bethany pack up her place. I had such a great time. There are so many places I want to get to before it gets cold, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm working on a trip to Cleveland that's long overdue, but Wendy's keeps trip blocking me....those bastards.

I went to an auction not too long ago and was able to pick up a few things for the store at some really fantastic prices. I installed the new cash counter in the front of the store last week and am completely in love with all the new space it provides me with! It has made quite a noticable difference. Now if I can just get that pesky roof fixed this year I can spend the winter finishing the rest of the projects! Believe it or not there is an end in sight for these projects, I can see it, I just can't quite reach it yet. Once the roof is done I'll be on the home stretch, I can't wait.

Other than projects the store is rather slow lately. Sales are down, morale is down, and I just can't seem to find my motivation anymore to get anything accomplished! It's sad, i know. :) But I keep trucking along, not much else to do about it really, just ride the wave and hope to keep my head above water, or at least float near the surface, but things are rough out there.

This month is the month for Shelly's wedding!!! I have my hotel reservations all set, now all I need is to hear back from the help to see if I have the store covered for the day, I'm looking forward to it, it should be a really great time!

Speaking of help...I was thinking the other day that I need to expand the list of people who like to help aka work for cash. If there are any of you interested in helping at all let me know. The job is easy, once you get the hang of the register the rest is cake. It doesn't pay great, but the latest you work is 7pm and you could end up with beer money for the night! I find it's mostly Saturday afternoons/ evenings that I have a hard time covering. My cousin was doing a great job, but she's moved to college so I'm back to square one. I hate to keep asking the same people over and over again, I think sometimes they get tired of it. But like I said, it's easy work, and if you luck out on the right Saturday you end up spending the time on my computer on myspace, which gets boring after awhile, but hey, it's a few hours you get paid for, right? :) Just let me know.

Well sadly that's all I have today, nothing much, just small updates. I wish I could be more philisophical, but oh well, this is who I am, and this is what you get. ;)



Damn it! Tagged again.

OK, we're all professionals, we all know how to play the blog game.
Read it, write your own, tag some people and tell them to read your
blog!

1. I was at first so annoyed I was tagged again, but I know what it's like to never get enough blogs and information, so I thought I would help jake out with some more random points.


2. I totally flipped out today because there is so much drama going on and had to take a silent 10 mintue drive to calm down after I closed the store down.

3. Tonight was the first night I looked at my store and was filled with anger and rage.

4. I would love nothing more than to never go back to Wendy's again.....ever.

5. I'm thinking it would be good to meet some of these online friends finally, I feel like I've known them for a long time already.

6. I feel like I have no time for myself, like nearly every minute is reserved for everyone else, that's why I enjoy this time so much, uninterupted time to do whatever I want to.

7. As much as I hate winter and cold weather I realized it would save me nearly 500/month if it would just get chillier already, I'm tired of paying these high electric bills.

8. I've realized tonight that my trust issues just keep coming back and smacking me in the head, just at the time I was ready to let them go.

9. I've realized I have issues ontop of issues and it's getting to be more than I can bare, the more I realize the more I can work on........I think.

10. I'm invested in people's lives that I don't even know, and I'm not ashamed, the internet is a strange place, but brings such happiness.


The only person I think I have left to tag would be Jake, I mean, why not? He tagged me a second time! ;) LOL.

Trust

Trust issues, where do they come from? How do they affect you and the relationship you have with friends, family and lovers? How long do they last? What is the best way to heal from a trust issue? These are questions I’ve been pondering recently.

I started to trace back to the beginning of my trust issues. I used to be very open, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and the furthest back I could remember being hurt by trust was in the sixth grade. I had met a very nice girl (yes I tried being straight, even earlier than that, I used to misinterpret good friends and relationships in my head even at an early age) and we got along very well. She had a very strange and unusual boyfriend that I didn’t particularly care for because he mistreated her. So I was getting close to her and she asked me how I felt about her, it was between classes so she told me to write her a note and she’d get it between our next classes….I know, how sixth grade of us. So I spent the period ignoring the boring English lecture and wrote her the note I thought would win her over. I poured my heart out, how great I thought she was, how caring she was and how she deserved so much better.

Well the next day after she had time to read the note I was greeted with a very upset boyfriend, seemed he convinced her to get me to write the note so he could beat my ass and feel justified about it….and she did just what he wanted. I remember feeling completely devastated, I could care less about the punk wanting to beat my ass, he was a wuss and didn’t even try, but I was a wreck about the whole situation. The person I trusted, the person I cared for threw me under the bus. I just didn’t know how to deal.

A few years later a group of us were having conversations about another friend of ours boyfriend. Now looking back I can see how the statements could be misunderstood and perhaps it wasn’t good judgement, but it was all in good fun, friend A was laughing along with us. They were not disturbing jokes, they were not harsh jokes, they were just jokes. Well the next morning I got picked up for school and get bombarded about what a horrible person I was etc… by the friend whose boyfriend we were joking around about. Meanwhile friend A sat there the whole time between us just looking down at the floor. I endured this verbal bitch slap the entire ride to school, knowing full well that friend A who had been my best friend for 6 years, whom I had told everything to, had thrown me under the bus for the affection of the other friend whom he had known for a short 6 months, and only knew because I brought him along on one of our outings.

Once again, thrown under the bus by someone I trusted, someone I trusted with my life, with my secrets, all but one. I remember one evening I was spending the night at his house and we were hanging out and talking about life and about secrets, it was good trusting conversations and I remember thinking I wanted to tell him I thought I was attracted to men, but I stopped myself. It was years later I was so glad I did. But then again, I wonder now if I had told him then if he would still be talking to me today. I wonder, if I had told him so many years ago and he would have been around it more, would he be so against it now? That’s just too much wonder, and WAY off topic.

So anyway, I know where my trust issues are, and in every new friendship I test the waters, slowly, but steadily to see what I can say. How much can I let out before this person throws me under the bus? How long can a secret be kept?

In my first relationship with a woman, it took awhile. It took a good 3 years before I started really opening up. Shortly after we started dating we had a night, you know the night when you spend all night talking about one another, telling each other things you don’t normally tell people? Well we had a night like that, and I told her some of my secrets. Even then I was holding back, and she knew it. She called me out on the situation and I told her flat out….Sometime you are going to see me naked, we’re going to do things that not everyone I know needs to know about, you are going to eventually know the most intimate details about me and my body…..and there’s the possibility it won’t work, and you’ll leave and have all these intimate details about my life and could destroy my relationships with our friends. Things that don’t need to be talked about, could be. I thought she was going to cry, it was then she started to understand my trust issues. We battled with it for months, but she finally got me to break down the wall a bit, to let her in. I still didn’t let her all the way in and that was eventually what destroyed our relationship. I still cared for her and her me, but we couldn’t make it work. Being as shy as I can be I vowed I could never see her again, or talk to her again without it being awkward, it killed me to know she was out there with my secrets, but a part of me trusted her, that since she cared about me still she wouldn’t talk about me.

This illusion worked for several years actually. After I moved back home I met one of her friends, I didn’t at the time know it was one of her best friends as we hadn’t spoken in years. I became friends with this friend we’ll call L. I used to talk about the ex with L and we never really put pieces together, I of course didn’t know there were pieces to put together. Then one day L got drunk and got rather friendly with me, seems L had developed feelings for me, and since she and her husband were having problems, she thought it would be o.k. to start something with me…..uh, no. So in her drunken state she leans over to me and says, “I don’t care what _____ says, I think you’re fantastic.” It was like the music stopped and the world shook me out of my daze.

She went to tell me all the things that J (the ex) told her about me, and this was after we broke up. Seems J told her every one of my secrets, about every intimate experience we had, and everything I had ever done wrong. I told her to get a grip and go home to her husband, because the night was over. It was true, every nightmare, every paranoia, it was all true. It all happened, just exactly as I thought it could. I was humiliated. I stopped talking to L after that, I really stopped talking to people after that. I had my core friends and as far as I was concerned, that was all I needed.

Recently, as in the last few months, I’ve come to learn during one drunkin night, that one of J and I’s mutual friends with whom I’m still friends with, knew everything as well. He told me that fateful night everything he knew, every humiliating and secret thing that had happened. He knew very intimate details of J and I’s relationship….so once again, all over again, the same feelings. Just as I make strides in working on my trust issues something like this happens, and I realize I’ve only been fooling myself all these years. As B would say, the other shoe dropped.

We talked about this and I know he hasn’t told people, because I have just as many humiliating details about his life that I have kept in my heart for all these years. It’s one of the few that there really is trust. We both know about sides of the other that people don’t always accept, or approve of, and yet we’re always there for each other to let the other know, that it’s o.k. And while many don’t understand our friendship, it’s that reason why we are friends, against all odds, we’re always there to let the other know, it’s o.k.

A post or two ago B left a comment that really struck me and made me stop and think:

“…Sometimes I feel like you're afraid to accept love because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, you're waiting for someone to out you, to discover that which you see as unlovable about yourself. But what I don't think you understand (and hell, what I don't understand about my own life) is that the people who love you simply do not see those things.”

I have read this portion of the comment over and over and it’s so true. In any relationship I have, including friendships, I’m always waiting for that moment, for the shoe to drop, for that point they say…..yeah, that’s it, I’m out of here. I keep myself at a distance so that way when it does happen I’m not surprised and I’m not devastated again. I despise that feeling of regretting talking to someone, that feeling like getting to know someone has done you more harm than good. I hate it. But on the flip side, I hate not sharing with people, I hate not letting people in, I hate over thinking conversations. I really do want to share with people, because the people I share with now make it so easy.

With regards to coming out of the closet, only two people know locally. Come to find out I’m not so sure S remembers the whole conversation the other night. F and C made it easy, and they are some of the few I can trust. I have trusted others with this secret but they are all out of town. It makes me wonder, did I do that subconsciously incase the shoe were to drop per say that it wouldn’t affect my life here? I really do trust them, but perhaps that’s the reason it happened so quickly and easily. Here I am second guessing again.

I’d like to move past this, so I’m ready, so I’m ready to accept love. I’d like to believe that these things I’m ashamed of won’t make a difference in the future. That someone will love me for these things, and not in spite of these things. That people can look past all the hideousness and ugliness I feel on the outside and love me for what’s inside. I’ve tried to separate my body issues from my trust issues, but I’ve learned in life that these two walk hand in hand, one can’t survive without the other. So the question becomes, if I destroy one, will the other dissolve as well?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Two more........by accident.

Well it was a fun night, a night that has been a long time coming, but I really need to learn to not drink and keep my mouth shut.

It was a party, a party to say good bye, it would be simple right? One last night to see him before he moved and I could go on with my life. A good time would be had, I'd flirt shamlessly with both S and boy and life would be normal.

Well S and I spent an hour preparing for the party, getting everything set up and then we sat for a drink and waited. A few minutes later the other three showed up. Boy looked so much better than usual, he grew a goate (which is a big plus for me) and he seemed happy. He gave me a great big hug, which I always love and everyone was mingling. While everyone went in to set up for a game of beer pong boy pulled me aside and thanked me for my letter I gave him on his last night. He told me he has it held to his visor with some clips so he can keep the advice on hand when he needs it the most. I hugged him again, it meant so much to me that he does think of me as more than just his old boss. I told him I just wanted him to be happy and do things in life, and learn from my mistakes.

The night was filled with lots of adult beverages, laughter and flirting. yes I flirted with everyone, I touched boy as often as I could and made very suggestive comments. Well everyone was rather charged up and hormones filled the garage like a thick smoke, it was interesting to say the least. Well I mentioned before about S's past and his track record with boys, and a comment was made about boy and S made a rather suggestive comment. I spun my head around and gave him a look of death. I wouldn't normally but the alcohol allowed me to drop my inhibitions and I couldn't hold back. A little while later I got called out on it by S and L while boy was hanging all over A. They were making out and it was really upsetting me and kind of depressing me all at the same time....damn alcohol. So S and L called me out on it and asked me what my problem was and I said it, I told them I wanted boy for myself, I wanted to take him home. It's how I felt, but I knew it would never happen.

Needless to say S was a bit in shock, L laughed hysterically as she normally does in situations such as this. S said he was confused so he and L went and talked and left me alone to watch boy make out with the chick. The irrational part of me wanted to go push A off of him and tell her to stay away from my man, but the rational side of me just watched and started to feel depressed because I knew it would never be me that he had his arms around. But I couldn't turn my head, all I could do was imagine it was me....I know sad right?

So S and L came back and the evening went on, later S and I were sitting around together and I kept commenting how I have a big mouth and I should never drink again. He put his arm around me and leaned in close and said.."It's all good, it's all going to be alright" It was like a weight had been lifted, but at the same time I was more nervous about L because she has a tendency to tell people secrets and she was having a conversation with boy at the time. I spent the next hour or so making her swear to me she didn't and wouldn't tell boy what I had said. I don't think she told him, and I don't think she will, I was worried for a bit, I just don't want to change things. I nearly told him myself several time throughout the night, but there is talk that he wants to come back to town and hang out or us come up there and hang out, so I'm afraid of changing everything.

He came around before everyone passed out and put his arm around me and told me before I move away that I had better call him so we could have a party like this for me and then gave me another hug.

ARG!!! I'm so frustrated, constantly battling my mind and my heart, and my mind always wins, always. My mind has always been smarter than my heart in these situations, which I'm thankful for, I just wish sometimes I could just get my heart to stay out of it all together.

So yes, S knows now. We spent some time together today and he didn't mention it at all, in a true S fashion. But I made a few comments and life was normal. It feels good, it will be a transition, but at least I know he's o.k. with it.

A photo blog






Today's blog will be in picture form. Too many things to say, and I just can't say them. A good time was had by all.





I just love having a great night of laughter and fun. These guys are just awesome.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

????

If it's possible, I broke my own heart tonight.

I've tried to be realistic about the situation, I tried to be real about it.

But I miss him already.

I want only good things for him, and I'm glad I didn't make it awkward by telling him I was head over heals for him, but still....it hurts.

He'll never know how much he's meant to me.

I'll heal, but I'll always miss him.

Monday, September 1, 2008

A couple of things....

So I had a great weekend, you can read all about it on my other blog, for those of you that know me, you've probably already read it. So here I can recount some thoughts I had this weekend.

I was sitting in B's church again this week, I really like that place because it's fun, it's interesting and it always causes me to think so much. I was thinking about the walls I have built around my heart. I had always thought I had built these walls because of love. I've realized since I've accepted being gay that these walls were built to protect me from being discovered, not so much because I had been hurt. After I accepted myself for being me it became easier to put myself out there for love again, the love I have never had the chance to experience, true love.

But at church I was watching everyone so excited about being there, so excited about God, and the love he has to share and I wondered, what's so wrong with me? Why don't I feel the same way? Why don't I feel the need to raise my hands? Don't get me wrong inside I get excited, I sing, I tap my foot, and for me that's a pretty big deal. :) And that's when I started to realize these walls were not all about love of people, but they are about the love of God as well. I've been battling these feelings since I've accepted myself, and while I have read the books and done some research, I just can't get past the general concensus of what I am, is wrong. I have a hard time living a life if I think that God would not approve. I realize everyone sins, but to live a life that people believe is against God is something I have a hard time doing.

I know that God loves me and made me who I am, but I have such a hard time dealing with these ideas. B and told me about a conversation she had with the pastor, that their church is there to love people, regardless of what they do. Now don't get me wrong, it's something that makes me feel really good and I think that's how all christians should be, the conversation continued.. "If they were to ask me what I believe the bible says about homosexuality I'll tell them, they may not like it....." I know where he's coming from, and I can really appreciate it, but something about it bothered me. Not something about him, not something about the love the church is known for, just something about the idea has really gotten to me. I have such a hard time putting it to words. It's.....(bear with me)....almost as if I want people to accept it and read the same things I have read and understand or give me their approval, which I know is CRAZY! No one can really tell you what God has in mind, or what the bible really truly says, there are so many different ways to read the bible, no ONE can be for sure about it. All they can do is believe what they believe to be true, and who am I to say they are wrong?

It would be just as frustrating to them that I don't believe the same things, and as B and I discussed each denomination believes things based on traditions, and things that have been handed down from generation to generation. It's hard to get people to think differently, and who am I to say I'm right and they are wrong? It's the paradox I find myself in. I do love the people at her church and when I move down there, I will probably attend regularly as I battle these thoughts in my head. I pray that it won't turn me against another church, or another group of people, I just don't know where the answer is, or even if there is an answer that is attainable in this life time. I know who I am, I just need to find others who are like me that may have a closer understanding of where I'm coming from, to help me find answers, or form some ideas.

It's all in the process of growing closer to God, I just hope someday I can break down these walls and fully accept the love that God has to give me. I know he's there just waiting for me to get it, to have the "ah ha" moment to open my heart and let him all the way in, and stop fighting it.

The other hard concept I'm having to come to terms with is what my life will be like after this is all over. After the business is gone, after I have moved away from the trashy drama, after I am able to start a new life, what will i do with the time I will hopefully find myself with? It's so weird to think that someday I might have a day that I have nothing of importance to do. A part of me wants to get involved in something, I'm not the type of person to pour myself full into anything, but something would be nice. A way to meet people, do something good and maybe make a difference. I don't know if this will be church related, or just a general public related situation, or maybe it will be something I can't imagine at this time.

Just thinking about changing my life, the way I live my life, the way I view my life, everything, everything is going to be different. A new city, a new job, a new home, a whole new lifestyle. It's just so insane for me to think about.

B asked me today if I was going to just start out by telling people I'm gay, or what I planned on doing. I know that I can't fall back into the trap of pretending to be straight and then try and break the news later. It's not healthy and if I'm starting fresh, I need to start being who I am, this time it's for me, for my sanity and for my life. Honestly? It scares the living crap out of me. The moving, the new job, the new people, the new place, I had nearly talked myself out of doing it on the way home. I had nearly convinced myself it's not me to change again, that I should find a way to make this work here, just because I become paralyzed with fear when it comes to so much change again.

I find it funny that it was the trip home last time that I convinced myself I was going to make the change, I was going to restart my life again. And this trip I nearly convinced myself I couldn't do it, that it would be too hard, it would be so exhausting. I prayed a lot on my way home. When I reached home I met up with the neighbors and my brother and within five minutes I was reminded that it was time to go. The life here is not healthy one for me. To be surrounded by the drama, by the..forgive the term...white trash life, I can't deal with it. People who constantly find themselves in horrible situations, raising their kids around domestic violence to the point that it's all the kids know. I'm sad and want to make a change, but these people don't know any better. This is all they know, and I can't be surrounded by that anymore.

I love my neighbors dearly, I love them like they are my family, but their family is surrounded by drama, drama that I have tried to avoid all my life, and the longer it goes the more I get sucked into it, and get thrown into it. Tonight I found out that someone has been threatening my safety, without me knowing. The sick thing is I have spoken to this guy since it started, and he never made any mention of the situation. The guy has problems, and I told the other party involved that if I get brought into all of this I'll take matters into my own hands, I'll take care of the situation myself without regards to them.

I'm hoping it's long past, but this asshole is playing head games with everyone around him, and if I ever see that little bastard again I'll call the cops myself. I'm trying to stay out of it, but if he wants to keep dragging me into it, I'll have no other option but to put this to an end. He's accusing me of sleeping with his girlfriend..aka the mother of his unborn child. First of all, even if I was straight...EWWW, I wouldn't have a thing to do with her, I don't even like her. Second of all, I'm gay. There is a better chance of him sleeping with me, than her....he is cute, but WAY to psycho even for me. I just hope they keep me out of this, he's got problems, and I don't want anything to do with it.

So yes, I'm still working to get out of here, because while I'm so scared of starting over, I know I need to start over. God is giving me a chance to put things right with me, a chance to live the life I want, a chance to really live. I know I'll be alright, he has never failed me. I've had some rough times, but I can see him lighting the path to a new life now, and I just can't wait to close things up around here and get started on my new future.

Labor Day Weekend

What a great weekend I had. It is just what I needed after the last week or so. The picture you see to the left is one I took on the putt putt course. B, D and S and I had great fun battling it out on the putt putt course, just where battles should be fought.

The torn and fading astro turf...or so we decided, the bad lighting in the evening, the fake rocks screwing up a great shot and D forcing his turn out of place made for a really great day.

I left Saturday evening for my weekend of fun and organizing and packing. What made this weekend greater than the other weekends was I only had a pay someone to watch the store for a mere two hours, since I closed today (Labor Day), so it helped me save some money for the trip which made it so nice, I also didn't have to worry about someone else running the place for a whole day. Everyone I've had here does such a great job it hasn't been a big worry, but at the same time it's always on my mind. This time I was able to just totally enjoy the time and the company.

I took off Saturday evening and swung out to job site number 1 of the projects I've done, job site #2 won't really be going until next spring, but job #1 is going well.



I mean, tell me that the view out that window won't be beautiful! It is one of four windows in the Master Bedroom looking out onto the yard and pond. There is no one behind them, no one beside them, nothing but woods and farm land. How do I know there won't be people building behind them? It's the family farm and it's being secured for many years to come to remain as farm land. There was only one change in the house from what I had drawn. After they had walked through the framed house, they didn't really like the space for the guest toilet, so after moving a wall or two they are happy with the layout. I must say that that was part of the layout I didn't change from the original they gave me, had they let me change it it wouldn't have needed to be changed, but not everyone can see things in 3d like I can, so they had to stand in the space before they realized what was wrong.

The project is going well, and I'm happy. Hopefully I can get project #2 moving soon, we keep going back and forth with changes and such, I hope to have it completed this winter, after I get paid they can change whatever they want in the field, it will be beyond me at that point. :)

So after I got the pictures I headed out and took a new route, and it cut nearly 40 miles off of my trip, I was so freakin happy! The drive down is always nice because it gives me time to myself to think and just general quiet decompressing time, which I need from time to time. I enjoy thinking about the future, the past and things that are happening in the present, it gives me perspective and rebuilds my hope, and my faith.

So anyway I got down there while it was still daylight, so I didn't get to have my same thrill as I come over the top of the hill just a few miles from 275 and see the city lights appear before me, but it was still beautiful. I had arrived at B's house just a few minutes before D, when D arrived I took my stuff in and we hung out and talked. D and I don't get much of a chance to talk much by ourselves anymore. We lived together for 2 years in college and we spent a lot of time talking back then, it was nice to reconnect again all these years later. We have talked quite a bit since then, but we never have the time to just kick back and catch up and talk, it was nice. We headed for a couple of drinks at the B down the street and then he dropped me back off so I could read and relax and wait for B to get home from the concert.

B was so excited about the concert....aka Adam Levine, so we talked for a bit and then we both crashed, it was a long day for both of us. For those that don't know, I sleep on the floor in the living room, so get your minds out of the gutter....just to clear that up.

Sunday we woke up and headed off to church. She has a really nice church filled with very happy and energetic people, it's the one place I can still drink coffee without freaking me out because it's still early and it helps me keep pace with some of the people there. ;) They are all very wonderful and kind and it's always a good service. It was the end of a sermon series and while I felt it lacked an energetic ending, it had some great messages and helped clear up a few things in Revalations that previously I had missed or got confused. It was pretty cool.

The B and I headed to lunch at Panera and felt very ubran as we ate our lunch out on the sidewalk and had a good conversation, per the usual. It was warm but it was a beautiful day! After lunch we headed back to her place to begin packing up her apartment, it was hard to get motivated after awhile, I was supposed to be there to motivate her, but the first season of Friend's was sucking me in and she had the crack the whip. LOL. We made good progress and then headed off to meet D and his girlfriend S for dinner.

After a great dinner we headed off to play putt putt. I LOVE putt putt, and I didn't do to bad. We had a great time. There was a moment as we were climbing the stairs to the top hole where I felt as if I was floating above us all just watching, and I had this moment of clarity I guess where it felt like one of those life long memories, where I had to take in everything to remember, because it just felt like one of those moments. I'm glad I brought my camera. I couldn't imagine that 8 years later D and I would be hanging out with new people 5 hours away from where we met, still friends. D and I had talked the night before about the huge impact we've had on each others lives, just a sequence of events and people that have changed our lives forever. It was very strange and yet very comforting, I'm very thankful that God brought our lives together for those two short years.

On the way home from the putt putt, B and I passed a Catholic festival. We just had to stop and walk around, it was like a huge county fair! It had rides and booths and a d.j. it was quite entertaining to say the least. Right away I was laughing as we passed by the people smoking and drinking beer and then we found the HUGE gambling tent. I just laughed to myself and laughed with Bethany. I wasn't totally passing judgement, but it was just too funny to hear 50 cent playing at this church event. We did however get a GREAT funnel cake! Or course this was after our stop to get ice cream and smoothies...funny, thinking back that was a ton of calories, but oh well, we had a ton of fun!!!

Monday we slept in, B said we slept for almost 12 hours, it felt good, it probably would have felt better had the air bed not gone flat, but it was nice non the less. ;) Come to think of it, I should probably look around and find an air bed for them.....I'll have to remember that. So we spent the time packing and organizing, we really made good head way visually today, I felt good and B seemed to be a little more at ease regarding moving, so I think good work was done this weekend. :) Then we headed off to her sister's house for a cook out. It was a little different than the cookouts I'm used to where everyone is outside the whole time, but it was nice that everyone ate around a table, it was different, but very good. I did some male bonding with the guys while they worked on converting an old U-Haul to a work truck and then we headed back to watch some more friends and just chilax until I had to leave.

The drive home was good, I was a little tired but lost in thought. Thinking again about the future, and many other thoughts. I do love driving.

So I get home, find out there is no power and head over to the neighbors as the power came back on. At the neighbors I was drawn into getting caught up on all the exciting weekend of restraining orders, hospital trips and the drama I'm so lucky to have missed out on. It's not so much the neighbors as it's their extended family that seems to be so drama filled. I sat there zoning out and remembering what a great weekend I had, wishing I could have had another day at least. Oh well, back to reality.

Here's to a good week. :)