Yeah, here I am living up to stereo types, and breaking them apart all at the same time.
I spent this lonely boring afternoon in this place lacking customers watching Sex and the City on my computer in the office. I started it a little bit before the football game and planned on watching the movie until the game came on, but low and behold I got caught up in the movie and realized the game would still be going when it was done. Damn, what a great movie.
I've just come to realize that there is nothing wrong with living up to some of the stereo types, and it's o.k. to be gay and watch football. You are who you are, no matter what you do, it's not what you do that says if you're gay, it's all in who you are. I have straight friends that are into fashion, I was always told that was a gay trait....hmmm......straight man spends $150 on clothes to go to a bar in...gay man spends $15 on a new pair of Wal-Mart special shoes to go with his 8 year old jeans.
Life is just a mess of people being who they are, so why do I fret that if I say I've seen Phantom of the Opera 6 times in different theatres across the country that it screams out that I'm gay? So what if I own a Cher C.D. and spent three hours on the road jamming to the 80's Madonna? I can also build a house, talk the talk of the carpenter, I watch football, I have NO fashion sense, I can change the oil in my car all by myself, I can re-plumb my own kitchen, I can run electrical outlets to where ever I need them, I can play sports, I know the rules to sports...well most of them....but I also love a good chick flick.
Everyone talks about being a contradiction upon themselves, but really, why is it a contradiction? Is it not just being ones self? Who dictates these rules? Who decides what's masculine and what's feminine? How did we all get so wrapped up into societies rules that we feel we need to hide what we enjoy, what we really enjoy? How did all this happen?
My grandmother was looked upon as being to masculine back in her day. She worked full time in a factory for most of her life, she raised her kids, she worked the farm, all along side of my grandfather. They were the cutest couple I've ever seen. There was no woman's work, and no man's work. Grandpa was the cook, he was a cook in the army and when they came back he cooked until his first accident. My grandmother mowed the yard when grandpa had a hard day, grandpa would do the laundry when my grandmother was too tired from work. I wasn't raised in the same manner most were and I find it refreshing.
The older I get the more I realize that there is no set of rules to ones life, it's whatever you make of it. To dwell on the past is a choice, to look too far into the future is a choice, and to live in the present so much that you forget both the past and the future is also a choice. Is it wrong? Who's to say? Does it feel right? Only you can answer, only I can answer for me. Only I can decide to stop dwelling on the pains of the past, only I can decide to get off my ass and do something, to put right what I feel is wrong. I have to choose to stop thinking of terms of stereo types, to decide that I don't care what others think of my music choice, my clothing options, and what movies I watch. Only I can decide that the life I have, the life I live is fine, it's good for me, and I'm happy with it.
So why can't I get there? Why do I spend so much time thinking and less time doing? What's stopping me from all of this? It's society. It's society telling me that since I'm gay I don't deserve the same rights. It's society telling me that as a man I need to shun Sex and the City and rattle off a million sports statistics that don't really matter. It's society that tells me that if I'm gay I shouldn't know the difference between a hack saw and a saw saw.
I battle society every day in my head, why can't I do it out loud? I do from time to time, but it never seems enough.
This week at my other job we had a customer that was rather effeminate. My coworkers were talking about it like they usually do, and the new guy joins the conversation stating that if he had seen him he would have jumped across the counter and beat his ass. We were all speachless just staring at him. I broke the silence by asking him why he felt the need to beat the crap out of someone he didn't know, and had nothing to do with? Was he so afraid that a gay man would become so sex crazed by the sight of him that he would anything to touch him? Or was it because he's different? Or was it because you're so afraid that if you get close to someone like him you might realize you are just like him? What makes you so afraid of this guy?
He stared back at me in silence, and didn't have an answer. Then I pointed out to him that the girl he had been talking to all night was a lesbian, why wasn't he punching her? She's different and yet you want to hear stories about her girlfriend, why was that? I got the typical answer "because that's hot, I like watching that". I shook my head and said o.k., so did that guy ask you to come over and watch him and his boyfriend have sex? Did that guy just offer you details to his sex life? Or did he offer you anything at all? Or better yet, did he even look in your direction or even talk to you? And you still want to beat his ass? I think the person with the biggest problem in this building is your dumb ass. You're going to threaten the life of this person you don't even know based on who he sleeps with? If it's not you then why do you give a shit? I think that chick you were in here with last week was a nasty skank, and the thought of you two together would give me nightmares for years to come, but I don't want to kick your ass. I suggest you get your shit together and get back to work because we don't put up with that kind of shit here.
He came into the office later and apologized, he said he was trying to show off for the other crew, and that in fact he had a couple of gay friends. I laughed and said you know, if you really considered them friends, you wouldn't even joke like that when they aren't around. And then I came face to face with that question.......Are you gay? I looked him square in the eyes and said, why? If I say I am would you beat my ass? My personal life has no bearings on this conversation, nor does it have anything to do with this job. I don't talk about my personal life because it's really none of your business, this has nothing to do with sexuality, it has to do with respect for your fellow human beings. He gave up and went back to work. I was shaking from the confrontation and that question. I didn't say it mean, I just said it as a matter of fact. I don't know if he thinks I'm gay or not, and I came to a point that night, that I really didn't care.
It turns out he's actually a nice guy, and once you get through the macho bullshit on the surface, he's a pretty decent guy, I'm just not sure he's ever been called out on it before. I'm not usually the type of person that does, but lately it just hits a nerve.
It was society that taught him to be that macho, that beating a guys ass was the thing to do because it's a threat to what society raised him to believe, the stereo types. I think all stereo types need to be broken, I think society needs to wake up and realize just how detrimental we are all being on the next generation, and it's only going to get worse unless one by one we slowly wake up.
This blog is rather random, but they are the blogs I enjoy the most. :) It's what you get when you read my stuff, and it's what I get after a day of being alone and watching a good chick flick while listening to the football game. :)
Have a great weekend.