Monday, October 13, 2008

Another weekend in Cinci.

You know, every weekend I spend down there it only strengthens two thoughts:

1) that the move I hope to make there just feels right.
2) That I'm meant to move there.

I always smile when I get close and come over the hill and see part of the city laid out before me, the huge smile I had on my face as we drove through downtown on Saturday night, the comfortable feeling I get while I'm there, although finding my way around makes a little nervous, but so did Detroit before I moved there. It all just seems so right.

D and I were talking over a beer and a smoke just out of range from our friends and talked about everything that has happened over the last 9 years and how it seems just so fitting we all end up down there. I have a hard time with fate, and I'm still not sure if that's what I call it, but it all seems to be adding up to something, and it's kind of exciting. The length of the story goes like this, and it's annoying with just letters instead of names, but it will have to do for now...

I met Dv through some mutual friends I used to work with at W's and got to know Dv really well and we all had great fun hanging out. Well Dv moved to Cincinnatti a couple of years after I met him. A group of us would travel often to visit Dv in Cinci and I really enjoyed it there. Everywhere we went was just beautiful and I really liked it down there. Dv hated it, but he had his own personal reasons for it. So I go away to school up North after a few years and it seems life would take us all away from each other, and losing a lot of the contact we had all grown fond of.

One weekend while a group of people from back home were coming up to visit me up north Dv called and said he wanted to go. Well in a last minute decision he ended up bring his friend Jm with him. Jm and Dv had known each other for a little while and were good friends and I'm 98% sure that Dv had an interest in her, but I digress.

So at first meeting Jm is a bit rough around the edges, but I thought she was great, right from the start. Well apparently Dv, D, and I were the only ones that liked her, so it was a rather rough weekend. Well a funny story is I crammed all these people into D and I's apartment, we had sleeping araingements figured out except for Jm because we weren't expecting her.

D and I had met when we were put together as roommates in college a little over a year before all of this occured so D and I had become really great friends. He enjoyed my friends and hung out with us all when they would come up to visit. So anyway....

Jm and D strike up a conversation about one of the books he was reading and was out on the end table. They ended up talking the whole night kind of excluding the rest of us, which all but Dv had noticed. LOL. Well the rest of us fall asleep and in the morning we discover that Jm stayed in D's room that night and the next night. He still refuses to tell me if anything really happened that night or not.

To make a long story short and skip ahead a few years a few weeks after that weekend everyone was up Dv and Jm stopped talking in Cinci, and Jm came to visit D and I at our apartment up north and ended up living with us for nearly a year. The three of us had such a great time together, people thought it would be cramped with her living with us, but it was probably the best year we had there, everything was going great. So the end of the school year came, I had to move out and down with a couple of other friends and D and Jm moved to his parents house while they figured out what to do, and ultimatly ended up in Chicago, which I didn't even realize until months later.

As time went on they built a nice little life in Chicago and I had graduated and moved out further east but still in the area of school. D calls and says he's moving back to finish his degree and Jm would stay behind and wait for him. Well a year goes by with D visiting as often as he can, but Jm never coming out to visit him because she hated the area and vowed never to return. Well things between them began to fall apart and he agreed to help her move back to Cinci to her parents place. That's when they broke up.

So life went on. A few years later after D finishes up school and gets tired of his job he gets restless and starts job searching. I didn't know why, but he had found a job and decided to move to Cinci. Turns out I find out later he moved there to get Jm back, but that didn't happen. But what did happen was he found himself building a new life for himself in Cinci and met B. I'm not sure how, when, where, or all the who's about it, but B discovered my myspace page through D and I guess found them interesting, or gave her some thing to laugh about. LOL. So when I went private D and had told her to contact me so she could keep reading.

Well this started a whole new thing I don't think D was expecting. B and I became great friends. The first time I visited B in Cinci, I think D was all sorts of confused with his worlds colliding, but there it was. The more I went to visit them the more I realized how great it was down there, and once again things were falling apart for me here.

I had gone from up north with an abusive boss, to small town america and that ladies and gents, that was the time I decided to accept to myself that I was gay. yeah, great timing huh? I came back because I thought this was what I wanted, it didn't take long to realize there was nothing here for me, and I just didn't fit in. So I know I had to come back to realize I don't belong here once and for all, and I won't feel the same about leaving this time as I did last time, thank goodness. ;)

So anyway it's amazing the affect we've had on each other's lives, the people we've met, the places we've gone and the things we've done. Everything is thanks to each other. If it weren't for D I never would have met B who had introduced me to a whole clan of other people who wether any of them realize it or not have had a huge impact in my life in the short time I've known them, and many of them, I haven't even met yet. How weird is that? And what's strange is in a way if it weren't for me D never would have met these people either, including his girlfriend now that he's grown very close with.

I just can't deny that each of these things is building on another and I'm so excited to see what's waiting for me. I'm going to lose my patience waiting to move!! I'm ready to start over, to build anew, and to get a fresh start. While I am still nervous about it all happening, I know that it's going to be alright, and the excitment out weighs the fear, so all is good.

And to top it all off, I got to see this weekend where I will be living temporarily while I get my life going down there. The house is great and I'm really looking forward to hanging out with B more often, I think it's going to be great. And I met the neighbor across the street while we were moving her stuff in on Saturday and he is H.O.T. So I know I will have some good eye candy in the summer, so at least that won't change from my neighbor here. LOL.

I'm trying to get myself to think differently when I'm down there, because after B and I talked a few visits ago, I don't want to start off in the closet down there. I don't want to have to start coming out of the closet and then stuff myself back in when I'm supposed to be starting over the right way. I'm just nervous I won't be strong enough or confident enough to not hide in the closet anymore. It's going to be a hard habit to break. Lying for so many years it just becomes habit forming.

So anyway, I've rambled on enough already, probably about boring and strange stories that you really don't care about, but somtimes it's helpful for me to just sort it out when it's in front of me, and sometimes I just ramble on because I'm so bored here. :)

So anyway, until next time

1 comment:

  1. So glad things are looking up...

    I have to say that I think B will be a good roomie for you. I think that she'll help to keep you grounded while you're going through the transition of moving and coming out and all that those things entail.

    Please keep in mind that deciding to live your life "out and proud" doesn't mean you have to walk around wrapped in a rainbow flag.

    Sometimes it will come up in conversation, and others it won't. You may find yourself denying it out of reflex or fear, but you learn a little more every time.

    One step at a time... right now you should focus on getting your ducks in a row.

    Oh, and trying to get some more rest than you have been...