So I got the news today that my roof repairs can be started in the next two to three weeks! I have been very excited about the news and will be getting my loan documents prepared this week so I'll have the money when the roof gets done.
This is one step closer to getting out of here and moving on with a new life.
And while this is so exciting and has my mind racing it started to really feel like it was becoming reality and I was smacked upside the head with it.
I suddenly realized that once this place is gone, it all changes. I will then have to look for a job, I will once again be working for someone else, and the thought terrifies me. I can't help but think back to what it was like before, getting up for work just knowing something was going to go wrong, something would piss him off and the day would go to shit.
Driving to work with a knot in my stomach not really knowing what mood he would be in for the day, how to approach him, what calls would come in and set him off, and just what the general office mood would be that particular day. Finding a mistake, a human mistake, could set the man off in such a rage that doors would slam, books would go flying across the room, horrible, horrible things would be said and he would verbally beat me down, again. Or would it be a day where he decided to do some work himself and enslave me for the entire evening, forcing me to work all night to get work done because he realized he was out of money? What kind of day would it be?
I always heard that Friday's in the corporate world were good days, you got paid, you made plans for the weekend, you went out to lunch, and it always sounded like a good day. But my Fridays? My Friday's were filled with angst, him making me feel like I was stealing from his family because I wanted paid that week, wondering if I should cash the check at lunch, or wait until Saturday when they scraped up enough money to pay me, or would he tell me that I had to work all weekend again, spending all day Saturday and half a day Sunday paying for his mistakes of the week?
It's bringing back such awful memories, and I keep trying to convince myself it won't be like that. I'm expecting hard times from time to time, but not every day. I try to convince myself that the next boss won't put me down everyday and verbally beat me into submission. I keep trying to get myself to see that not every boss throws office furniture across the room to get a point across, that not every office needs to replace their phones systems a few times a year because he slammed the receiver down so hard it broke it in two. I promise myself that this time I will stand up for my personal rights, that I won't get beat down, that I won't be pushed around, and that this time, this time I will be seen for the talented person I am. That this time they will see how loyal, responsible, and eager to learn that I am. That this time will be different.
And yet there is a knot in my stomach, like it used to be, thinking I'm the type of person that gets walked all over and will find myself in the same situation as before. I'm nervous about starting over, and while that's part of the excitement, it's also part of the nerves. What will I say in interviews? How will they respond to the answer of "Why did you leave this profession for the last three years?" How will they perceive me?
I know it's going to be alright, God is leading me, God is guiding me. God will watch over me, to help me learn from the past.
And yet somehow, I still can't convince myself. It's hard to think that the last three years of hard work I've put into this place, the last three years of blood, sweat and tears I've put into it, will all be over. A future I was so sure about, over, just like that. I just have to remember everything I've learned and experienced while I've been here, the things I'll take away from this place is more payment than I could ever realize. And one thing I know will help me land that future job.....my very first on my own projects being built. I can do it, I can survive it, and I'm humble enough to know there is still much to learn.
It's going to work out, I just hope that feeling over powers the shadows of the past.