Freedom comes from Confinement

After many times of trying to find the time and place to come out to L, I finally did it this weekend. We were up chatting for quite awhile. She came to my room because she had went away with a very cute guest and did what the single drunken bridesmaid is known for, she messed around with him. It's just not her style, and I should have tried more to convince her of that before she left with him, but he was just too cute and she seemed to know what she wanted. So later she comes to my room because she regretted it, and because he was an asshole. He told her he was going to get some ice and didn't come back. I probably could have seen that coming if he didn't have an ass that wouldn't quit, but lust is blind at times. LOL. So I'm consoling her and she starts with the "I'm an idiot" conversations that happen in situations like this, and I'm not sure what compelled me, or made me think it was appropriate timing, but it was just the two of us finall...

Weekend meaning Saturday and Sunday. I don't include Friday's on my weekend unless I actually get to do something. ;) But any way, onto the weekend... So the plan was to work Saturday morning until about 2pm when I had a friend coming in to watch the store so I could head up to Michigan to Shelly's wedding. It was going to be a tight schedule, but I figured I could do it as long as I was ready before I left, checked in real quick at the hotel and jumped the shuttle to the service, I figured it would be o.k. Well I'm getting ready at 5 till 9am to open the store and the front door chime goes off, I just figured it was my brother and finished getting ready. I went to go out into the store and the lights were on and Jen was standing at the counter. I nearly freaked out, she looked at me and asked if she had the right day...I told her I was surprised she was here early. She decided that since her kid was gone for the day and her husband was busy for the day that she wo...

Yeah, so I just want to know who on earth came up with that phrase, I mean really, duh, of course it's the darkest! It's like saying you always find what you're looking for in the last place you look, do you really want to look more after you found it? Anyway.... The title is the truth, the cloud is still here, but I'm fighting better. The thing I hate most about this part of shooing the cloud is the things that are revealed in the aftermath of it's destruction. It forces me to take a good look at myself and find the things that I need to work on. While Bethany pointed out many of the good qualities that people see in me during our tough love chat this afternoon, I have hard time seeing them all. It's just human nature. But as I sit here I realize I could see those things in the person I was, the person that I've gaged and stuffed into the trunk of my mind, and I don't know why, or how to get out. I have the reputation of a grumpy grocer, it's...

I get it, you're more powerful than me, you win. F**, off cloud, F**k off. Temper is flaring, tears are forming. You win again. I hate you.

I will not let the cloud win today. I'm watching it heading this way, I can feel it's over powering presence, but I won't let it win. I can't let it win. I will stay in control. Screw you cloud, things are rough right now, but they are that way a lot, for once, just once I want to beat you, I want to survive this day, I'm not going to let you have today, not this time. I will win. I'm tired of losing to you, I'm tired of bitching, and I'm tired of whining. Today you will not win. Today is going to be my victory over you. Broke or not, I'll kick your ass. I have to.

I don't understand how people can go through life thinking everything is either black or white, that people can be so arrogant to believe that they know the difference and they are so knowledgeable that there is no gray area in life. I mean seriously, I'm not so confident and arrogant that I can make judgement calls on how people live, or what they think, I'm not them, and not experiencing what they are. I'm so frustrated with this whole thing I could scream. It would be one thing to state that it is your belief that this is the way it is, how in the hell can you state "This is certainly so because the way I read this book that was written over 2000 years ago states something like this.." I'm so angry. I understand that the bible is the word of God, but there are so many problems I have with that statement. A man put these books of the bible together and said it was so. Are you telling me there is no doubt in anyone else's mind that some of these wri...

Yes, the dark cloud that comes around once in awhile reared it's ugly fluffy face recently. It only lasted a couple of days really, but I feel it's presense like it's just around the corner waiting for me, just waiting to pounce. I can't really explain what was wrong, or if there really was anything wrong, it's just once in awhile I get so down and depressed. My mind starts thinking to the past and thinking into the future, but it's never good, it's always the bad things that did happen and the bad things that could happen. The people I've lost and the people I think I'll lose later on. It's like every bad part of me becomes so apparent, so visible, that I can't hide it, I can't shade it with the good parts of me. It's rather overwhelming at first. I think some of it has to do with the shows I catch from time to time, or a sad movie that invites that cloud. What's funny is sometimes it's just as easy to scare it off with...

Yes, I know you are probably tired of hearing it, or about him, but it's my blog. I miss him. So much. Just a smile or a hello just to tide me over. I should have drank tonight.

So I think I'm trying to eat myself to death. I swear I would eat all day long if I let myself. I'm surrounded by horrible food all day and all night, and it's all I eat. I can't seem to satisfy my hunger and it's starting to scare the hell out of me. My mind has been racing all night, maybe it's not good to take a night to myself. I'm scared, I'm depressed, I'm lonely, all at the same time and it's a bit freaky. All this and I haven't had any caffeine or alcohol today. WTF???

For those readers who read both the myspace blogs as well as this one, have no fear I'm not tagging anyone again....and I expect the same from you! LOL. I’ve been tagged Bethany tagged me, I have never done one of these and haven't blogged in awhile, there will be something more coming, as soon as I have a day to clear my head. I'm not sure I'm going to do this right, I'm assuming it's 10 random thoughts or something like that. 1: I'm horrible at writing about myself if I don't prepare for it, even at these random thoughts and activities. 2: I have become completely obsessed with blogs and can't get enough of them, and I'm so sad that I have the time throughout the day to do that. 3: Most days I feel like a complete failure in nearly everything I do, but on random days I feel on top of the world....then I think I'm bipolar. 4: I'm hoping that one year from now I w...

Trust issues, where do they come from? How do they affect you and the relationship you have with friends, family and lovers? How long do they last? What is the best way to heal from a trust issue? These are questions I’ve been pondering recently. I started to trace back to the beginning of my trust issues. I used to be very open, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and the furthest back I could remember being hurt by trust was in the sixth grade. I had met a very nice girl (yes I tried being straight, even earlier than that, I used to misinterpret good friends and relationships in my head even at an early age) and we got along very well. She had a very strange and unusual boyfriend that I didn’t particularly care for because he mistreated her. So I was getting close to her and she asked me how I felt about her, it was between classes so she told me to write her a note and she’d get it between our next classes….I know, how sixth grade of us. So I spent the period ig...

Well it was a fun night, a night that has been a long time coming, but I really need to learn to not drink and keep my mouth shut. It was a party, a party to say good bye, it would be simple right? One last night to see him before he moved and I could go on with my life. A good time would be had, I'd flirt shamlessly with both S and boy and life would be normal. Well S and I spent an hour preparing for the party, getting everything set up and then we sat for a drink and waited. A few minutes later the other three showed up. Boy looked so much better than usual, he grew a goate (which is a big plus for me) and he seemed happy. He gave me a great big hug, which I always love and everyone was mingling. While everyone went in to set up for a game of beer pong boy pulled me aside and thanked me for my letter I gave him on his last night. He told me he has it held to his visor with some clips so he can keep the advice on hand when he needs it the most. I hugged him again, it meant...

Today's blog will be in picture form. Too many things to say, and I just can't say them. A good time was had by all. I just love having a great night of laughter and fun. These guys are just awesome.

If it's possible, I broke my own heart tonight. I've tried to be realistic about the situation, I tried to be real about it. But I miss him already. I want only good things for him, and I'm glad I didn't make it awkward by telling him I was head over heals for him, but still....it hurts. He'll never know how much he's meant to me. I'll heal, but I'll always miss him.

So I had a great weekend, you can read all about it on my other blog, for those of you that know me, you've probably already read it. So here I can recount some thoughts I had this weekend. I was sitting in B's church again this week, I really like that place because it's fun, it's interesting and it always causes me to think so much. I was thinking about the walls I have built around my heart. I had always thought I had built these walls because of love. I've realized since I've accepted being gay that these walls were built to protect me from being discovered, not so much because I had been hurt. After I accepted myself for being me it became easier to put myself out there for love again, the love I have never had the chance to experience, true love. But at church I was watching everyone so excited about being there, so excited about God, and the love he has to share and I wondered, what's so wrong with me? Why don't I feel the same way? Why don...

What a great weekend I had. It is just what I needed after the last week or so. The picture you see to the left is one I took on the putt putt course. B, D and S and I had great fun battling it out on the putt putt course, just where battles should be fought. The torn and fading astro turf...or so we decided, the bad lighting in the evening, the fake rocks screwing up a great shot and D forcing his turn out of place made for a really great day. I left Saturday evening for my weekend of fun and organizing and packing. What made this weekend greater than the other weekends was I only had a pay someone to watch the store for a mere two hours, since I closed today (Labor Day), so it helped me save some money for the trip which made it so nice, I also didn't have to worry about someone else running the place for a whole day. Everyone I've had here does such a great job it hasn't been a big worry, but at the same time it's always on my mind. This time I was able to just ...